Thursday, March 21, 2013

Who I'd Rather Be

I'm still coping, hanging in here.  I wouldn't even say I'm doing a particularly great job.  Today my cell phone rang at work and it was my new alarm company, calling to touch base with me, and I start freaking out that they are calling because someone broke into my house again.  And I don't think that my adrenaline rush from that has died down yet, if you want to know the truth.  When I got home, I googled PTSD because that is a phrase that people use to describe something like this sometimes, this trauma after an event, and once again, I don't think I have the DSM definition of it.  I think years (and years and years) of often catastrophizing and then minimizing my feelings have left me without a good sense of scale for these things.  I spend enough time wondering and worrying about how I'm reacting, and not enough time just allowing myself to react in the moment.  Because I worry about my emotions spiraling out of control, losing control... yeah this is anxiety talking.

Rationally I know that the odds of my house being broken into again are pretty small, particularly since I have the alarm system, locks on the gates, etc.  But still that fear remains of what I experienced last week, coming home and my place was in total disarray.  They turned drawers inside out, looking for good jewelry, I assume, something I don't have much of.  And then seeing not just my computer gone but my backup drive.  And the window, wide open, and thankfully the cats hadn't jumped out of it.  And some of it all reminding me so much of the day that I came to have lunch with my dad, only he was dead.  That same feeling of disorienting loss, of things that I thought were secure and certain, would continue to always be so.

Anyway, I'm dealing, working my way through it.  Today was a bad day for it because I still don't feel like myself yet.  I feel like someone else, someone I once was, maybe, living in fear, and not someone that I want to be now.  But I know this is all a process, and I'm working my way through it, one day at a time.  I just hope tomorrow is better.

1 comment:

Kyra said...

Your house was violated, your safe place. It makes sense that you feel this way, I'd probably be even worse. Heck I worry about it every time I leave my house, and I've never had it happen to me! Give yourself the kindness of understanding that this really rocked you for a bit. It's OK!