A friend of a friend who lost her mom recently was talking to my friend about how the mourning period for Jews is twelve month. Like most things of the Jewish faith, I feel like I remember this being the case on some level but not really understanding it. But this person was talking about how it makes sense because you spend a year without the person who died, and you go through all the events, your birthday, their birthday, holidays, and then a year has passed and you feel differently. I was going to say "better" but that's not really the right word. What I feel is more accepting, more settled. It's hard to believe it's been a year because some days, particularly those days when I was in LA, it didn't feel like much time had passed at all. But I know that I'm not the same, not feeling the pain in the same way, so I recognize that time has gone on.
I still remember so clearly those last days of 2011. The end of the year always seemed interesting and significant to me, culminating into a hopefully fun New Year's Eve. And then, my dad died and the world just seemed to stop for a while and I wasn't even really sure where I was and what day it was. I think we ordered Chinese food and I remember saying, this is the worst NYE of my life, and anything I do next year will be better. I don't know if I knew then that I'd be doing it in my own house, having friends over and opening bottles of champagne, but I knew that it would be better.
2012 was just a crazy year full of huge changes and upheaval, including buying a house and moving. I also took two big trips to Chicago and Paris. And I took a bunch of little trips including going to LA last week for my annual Christmas visit. I felt often this year that I was busy all the time, and I am hoping to feel a little bit less of that in the next year, because I want to make space for things I want to do. I felt as though I was at a frenetic pace at times, a race to the end of the year. And I'm glad that I made it, because sometimes it didn't seem possible. One of the things I saw very clearly at the end of last year was ways that I wanted to change my life and my surroundings, and I'm really happy that I've done that.
Though I do still think there are many things I want to work on and improve. I don't sit down and make resolutions anymore because I think they are often too pat and not really practical. But I think as much as my life changed in 2012, it will continue to change and I will continue to grow in 2013.