Monday, December 31, 2012

And A Happy New Year

A friend of a friend who lost her mom recently was talking to my friend about how the mourning period for Jews is twelve month.  Like most things of the Jewish faith, I feel like I remember this being the case on some level but not really understanding it.  But this person was talking about how it makes sense because you spend a year without the person who died, and you go through all the events, your birthday, their birthday, holidays, and then a year has passed and you feel differently.  I was going to say "better" but that's not really the right word.  What I feel is more accepting, more settled.  It's hard to believe it's been a year because some days, particularly those days when I was in LA, it didn't feel like much time had passed at all.  But I know that I'm not the same, not feeling the pain in the same way, so I recognize that time has gone on.

I still remember so clearly those last days of 2011.  The end of the year always seemed interesting and significant to me, culminating into a hopefully fun New Year's Eve.  And then, my dad died and the world just seemed to stop for a while and I wasn't even really sure where I was and what day it was.  I think we ordered Chinese food and I remember saying, this is the worst NYE of my life, and anything I do next year will be better.  I don't know if I knew then that I'd be doing it in my own house, having friends over and opening bottles of champagne, but I knew that it would be better.

2012 was just a crazy year full of huge changes and upheaval, including buying a house and moving.  I also took two big trips to Chicago and Paris.  And I took a bunch of little trips including going to LA last week for my annual Christmas visit.  I felt often this year that I was busy all the time, and I am hoping to feel a little bit less of that in the next year, because I want to make space for things I want to do.  I felt as though I was at a frenetic pace at times, a race to the end of the year.  And I'm glad that I made it, because sometimes it didn't seem possible.  One of the things I saw very clearly at the end of last year was ways that I wanted to change my life and my surroundings, and I'm really happy that I've done that.

Though I do still think there are many things I want to work on and improve.  I don't sit down and make resolutions anymore because I think they are often too pat and not really practical.  But I think as much as my life changed in 2012, it will continue to change and I will continue to grow in 2013.

1 comment:

Kyra said...

Happy New Year to you! The 12 months of mourning make sense when you think of it that way, I hadn't really until you said it. I hope your gathering was fun for you!