Recently I've had some anger. Anger is never really easy for me to express and process, which explains a lot of my past passive-aggressive behavior and a lot of that feeling of swallowing my feelings. Anyway, I have been dealing with being angry at other people, like my mom, and the fact that my dad is dead, and not really necessarily being angry at him. A lot of what I have felt since that moment I knew my dad was dead was that he is over, that I can't talk to him, communicate with him, or negotiate with him in any way about anything anymore. It annoys me that I can't ask him anything either, but I think the one thing that I was able to accept immediately was that my dad's life was over, and he's gone. It would be comforting to have some beliefs here, belief that he's in heaven or something, and that if I talk to him, he'll hear me. But I just can't/don't believe like that.
I think because my dad's death was so unexpected and sudden, it has made me feel like everyone around me is going to die at any minute. I have that feeling of life being very fragile and easily snuffed out at any moment. I've felt like that for a few weeks and let me tell you, having your own death hanging over your head every day really fucks with you. I know, logically and rationally, that my existence is going to end sometime. But I prefer to think of it far far out there in the future, and not imminently looming over me. I have been feeling as if each moment is my last, each meal is my last, and each random bodily pain (gas, foot asleep, etc.) is some impending shadow of doom.
Don't know if I can find comfort per se in this, but typing it out is making me find some humor in it. All along in the last two weeks, I've felt like I have had a lot of feelings, a lot of emotions, and I feel kind of like one of those game show contestants in a telephone booth with dollar bills swirling around, and trying to catch as many of them as possible. But I do feel like those feelings and emotions buffeting me are somewhat understandable, relatable, and I believe that I'll make it through this experience somewhat richer and more emotionally aware than I was before.
1 comment:
Here's what I learned from others over those years of death and illness in my family. You cannot have a conversation but you can still talk to the deceased. You can write them emotion-filled letters. No, the person can't respond but somehow just saying the words aloud, writing them down? Made me feel a lot better.
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