Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

My dad died.  Sometime in the last day.  We were going to have lunch on Friday, and I showed up and he wasn't answering his phone.  And I called twice.  And then, I knew something was wrong.  The cops broke into his place and found him, dead.  Someone saw him yesterday, so it hadn't been that long.  I don't know what to think about that, because I've been in town for a while and I could have seen him earlier, or maybe it was right that I came that day (now yesterday because it's 3:30 the next day) because I was there, and found him, and was able to call my brother, and we were able to make decisions and deal with things in an orderly and logical manner.  The way my dad would have approved of.  Where calling his mother was a later event, and she wasn't the first contact, and we were able to go through things cursorily, lock his condo, and...  I don't know.  I don't think it's anything anyone is ever prepared to deal with, and I certainly don't feel prepared to deal with it now.

I know that I have issues with my dad, had issues, some of which I have resolved, some of which I didn't and might not ever, and now his life is a fixed point where I really am not going to get any more answers than I already have from him.  I was sitting around today, talking to the cops, making calls, and I just kept thinking, wait we were supposed to go to lunch.  I was just here to take him out to lunch, and see how he was doing.  Because he passed out a few weeks ago while driving, and he said it was just low blood sugar, and he was going into the doctor, and they gave him his license back so I thought oh it can't be that bad.  That after seeing him, maybe talking to him about it in person and not on the phone, I would call my brother and maybe we'd talk to my dad together about giving up driving, or moving to a home of some sort with some care.  Not knowing that he had fainted more times (which I found out from neighbors).  I obviously don't know what all was going on.  I guess it is moot now, and in some way, I am sure this easier because my dad was happy living alone in his condo, and would not have been happy if he had to live elsewhere. 

I'd like to think if he had any thoughts at the end, it was that I was coming to see him, that I would find him, that I'd take care of things.  I know my dad was proud of me, proud of my brother, proud of the adults we had become, adults who handle their own problems and take care of things like this.  Maybe he'd be happy that my brother and I were sitting down, discussing, spending time talking.  I guess I'm speculating about everything, his last wishes, his thoughts.  But I knew my dad pretty well, and I remember when his father died, and how he was really sad, really kind of out of it, but couldn't talk about his feelings.  And I know that I've had enough therapy to know how to start processing all this, how to deal with it all, how to feel and not be consumed by my feelings but accept them as natural.  Yet, not sure if this makes anything easier at this moment.

On The Road

I wanted to do a year in review kind of thing but I need to finish packing for my trip to LA and get a bunch of stuff done.  Happy Holidays to everyone who reads this, and enjoy your holidays.

Metamorphosis

Today is my first day of vacation.  I was actually kind of bummed yesterday because I looked at how much vacation time I already have accrued after taking three weeks off in October, and I do have enough to have taken all of this week off too.  Not totally sure I could have gotten away with it though, but it was a nice thought.  Something though about knowing I would have this long time off and not being back at work for a week and a half made the last week or two go by quickly and made it not be so bad.  I feel like this year has pushed and pulled me in a few different directions, and I have been working on a lot of things under the surface, and not really noticing how far I have come.

A year ago, I remember sort of dreading the holidays, especially New Year's Eve, because I didn't have a boyfriend.  And thinking that I'd work on that, try to meet someone, just when I was done studying Italian, and then just when I was back from my trip from Italy, and now it's the end of the year and I haven't put any effort into meeting any potential suitors.  But I haven't felt like it was the right time either, because I have been working on so many other things, working on myself.  And I start to feel this change within myself, my mind, in dealing with problems that have always been there in the back of my head.  I think when you are in the middle of problems, it's always easy to say how screwy things are, and how everything is messed up, and you'll never get anywhere.  But at this point, I realize that I have come a long way in the last year with righting my self-image.  I also think about how often I have felt in my life that I "needed" a man to do things for me, and time and time again, I have seen how capable I am of doing things by myself, on my own.  It's funny, when you stop expecting yourself to be perfect and always do everything in the right way, you can recognize more how often what you are doing is actually working just fine.

I do feel like turning the page on the calendar is both symbolic and also that change is actually afoot in my life.  And I am welcoming it.

It Only Sounds Like Cancer

I was sick last week, with three days of a sinus headache that wouldn't quit.  I also had some pain in my mouth that was seemingly related, or maybe not.  It was that time when everything hurt, and I didn't know if my mouth was hurting because I was breathing through it too much due to nose stuffiness, or what the deal was.  But then this week, I've been feeling mostly okay, though my mouth still hurt.  And it hurt when I ate or drank anything except water, and I kept washing it with Listerine in the hopes that would fix the problem.  But fortuitously, I had a dental appointment yesterday, and figured while they were in there, prying my mouth open, they could take a look at the problem.

And the thing that has been bugging me for days is a giant canker sore on my tongue.  The hygienist holds out the mirror so I can see it, and it looks huge and disgusting and like my mouth is rotting and/or full of pox.  But apparently, canker sores happen all the time and some people get them monthly or what have you.  So I might be a total baby about this.  My first thought was that I had mouth cancer, and that I would need to have it surgically removed.  But the first link that comes up in Google says that these sores are common, and not cancerous, and go away on their own.  I think it's funny that the link needs to spell out that it's not related to cancer at all.  Is everyone as paranoid as me about weird spots appearing on their body?  Is it just that the word cancer looks like the word canker? 

The upside was that the rest of my dental appointment was easy because they took it easy on me since my mouth was already in pain.  And I think knowing what the problem was, as opposed to just having a few days of random mouth pain, makes it easier to deal with.  Even though it's gross to look at, I would take a photo of the sore for posterity, but I can't really figure out how to get a picture of the inside of my mouth.

Slow Decline

After blogging every day, coming up with blogs every day last month, I feel kind of boring around here.  I will note that I did post some pics from Thanksgiving at Gals About Town, if you haven't seen them already.  This time of year just seems like a slow decline into the new year, new resolutions, new ideas.  This year was all about my trip to Italy, and since I've been back, I've been feeling a little stuck with everything.  I still have a bag I have yet to unpack.  I have holiday gifts that I have to wrap and put together.  I suppose everyone has a list of all of the things that they have to do that they haven't done yet and it seems like a lot for me lately.  Doesn't help that I got knocked down with some weird cold this week.  I would say it's a flu because my body feels achier than my nose feels stuffed, but since I got the flu shot this year, I can't really blame that.  But today is Sunday, and I feel nothing like doing what I usually do on a Sunday, which is working on cleaning my house up and getting groceries and ready for the week.  I really have only two work weeks left this year, because we get a long break between Christmas and New Years that starts on Dec 23 and we don't have to be back until Jan 3.  I am half-heartedly planning my annual trip to LA, but since I feel sick, I mostly don't feel like doing or planning anything at the moment.  I know, this will change.  I don't feel like anything is particularly bothering me or burdening me, but that there are small things adding up that must be taken care of.

In Fact

My therapist printed this picture out and gave it to me this week.  Instead of say trying to scan it, I figured I'd just look for it online.  And found it right away.  I guess I said something similar recently in group.  Or used the word "assholes."  My therapist was a bit afraid to say the word out loud in our three person group, as though it was too obscene.  I'm pretty sure they say it on TV.

My therapist has been talking about a lot of Freudian crap recently.  I was pretty sure that Freud was "out" amongst therapists, but he might be making some sort of resurgence.  I've always been more of a fan of Jung myself.  And when I am all rich and full of leisure time, I'm going to do some of that there Jungian analysis that involves going in several times a week, and examining your dreams in great detail.

I've been fighting some cold this week, and being in this situation puts me into lock-down mode.  I don't want to start any new projects, setup any future events, etc.  And that's not good this time of year, when I already have a bunch of things on the calendar and other things that I want to accomplish (like finish my holiday shopping) before the end of the year.  Last night, I got home and wanted nothing more than to just go to bed.  Even the cats thought it was too early to go to sleep.