I wish I kept a video camera in the bathroom. I got one of these bath mats yesterday for my bathroom, and it has this sort of memory foam that when you step into it, it feels squishy. It took me just a minute to get used to it, but to Teddy, this was a confusing experience. First he puts one paw down on it, then lifts up that paw like the mat burned him. Then he walked around to the other side of it, and put another paw down, and lifted it up again. At one time, I did see him sit entirely in the center of the mat, but since then, he has been avoiding it. I got a good-sized one, so he has to really walk around it if he wants to walk into my bathroom.
I didn't have a bathmat in there for a while when I first got Teddy, because there was also a litter box in that bathroom, and the mat I had down became part of a war between Kiki and Teddy to see who could be more disgusting. I would step on it, and get my foot wet with cat pee. The final straw was when someone pooped on it. I tossed that rug out, and went without for a few weeks, until I got tired of standing on the floor, dripping after a shower. So I got a rag type rug from Kohl's. It wasn't bad, it was somewhat absorbent and didn't have a plastic backing. It was easy to throw in the wash. But not particularly luxurious. Whereas, my new bath mat is luxurious. Even if Teddy doesn't get used to it, I will.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Unasked Questions
Yesterday was kind of difficult. We had this long long customer service training, and there were a few things that seemed very pointed to me personally even though it was a thirty-person event. I don't bitch about work as much as I used to, for various reasons. I've been at the same job for years, and there have been times when I just hated it, time when I liked it, times when I was indifferent. I realize that mainly that I work to put food on the table, food in the cat dishes, and it's not about me changing the world or experiencing a lot of personal growth at work. But what personal growth that I've made outside of work doesn't exist in a vacuum. I remember when I first started going to therapy at 29, and how a large part of what my problem was, was my job. What I do is stressful, and I was working for someone who seemed to have a very different set of values than myself. I realize now, cutting her some slack, that she didn't really have much managerial experience when she was assigned to manage my team. And it showed. But instead of how I would be in the situation, which is, moving slowly, she tended to move through things quickly and made decisions based on surface data and not really getting what was going on underneath the surface.
In any case, I remember that a friend of mine, someone who had worked with us temporarily for six months, had interviewed for an open position, and instead of hiring her (someone who was competent, who had already done the job, who knew how to do the job), my boss hired this utter douchebag. He was (and often is) the epitome of someone who was all surface and no substance, someone who kissed ass and chatted people up instead of solving problems. And my boss went about integrating him into our group the total wrong way, putting him on a weird pedestal. Something like six months later, he was promoted, then got another promotion into another department. But that first week, when I was sitting there, supposed to be training him, and it just hit me how futile it was working for someone who would hire someone like this jackass.
I got up from my desk, walked outside, and thought about throwing myself in front of a car. I didn't. I left work early, and I got help. I got therapy. I started taking meds. I started figuring stuff out, working on issues. I remember after being on meds for a while, I went in to talk to a doctor about going off the meds, and she was asking me how my life had really changed, and all that surface stuff of living in the same place, being at the same job, that was all there. But my inner world, self-concept, and whatnot, had made a radical shift. Then more stuff happened, started dating my ex R, back on meds again, breaking up with R... anyway a lot of stuff happened. And throughout it all, a lot of these same basic facts are there, including being at the same job.
So I'm still at that same job. I've changed. I continue to change. I'm not taking meds, I'm only going to therapy once a month. I am not always working actively on my mental health, not spending days reading affirmations, not reading self-help books. But I do feel like I'm always progressing in one way or another. And sometimes it's very slow, very hard to notice how much I've progressed. And when you work at a place where you used to dread coming into work, where you used to fantasize about being anywhere but there all day, but then you continue to go in and be effective at your job... that's something. Not saying I deserve a fucking medal, of course, but I think the fact that I managed to cope with the day to day facts of holding down a job and paying my bills while at the height of depression (the depth of depression?), I should get some credit.
I was trying about how this training brought up some bad feelings, but then I digressed into the background information. I think I'm able to bury my feelings about work in the day to day monotony of actually doing my job, but then attending this class where we had to talk about our feelings and our personal growth, it made me feel kind of shitty. Because I don't feel empowered in my work. I don't feel understood. I feel sometimes like I work with a bunch of idiots, and things would be better if I were running things. Or at the very least, if people recognized my value and intelligence instead of micromanaging me and treating me like I'm simple. Even if I was un-intelligent, I've been doing the same job for years, and so obviously am not a total idiot. But no one ever really asks me, "What do you think we should do?" and sits and listens to my answer. And I've always been a bit afraid to say what I think, and to answer that question that hasn't been asked. But maybe it's time to try to speak up.
In any case, I remember that a friend of mine, someone who had worked with us temporarily for six months, had interviewed for an open position, and instead of hiring her (someone who was competent, who had already done the job, who knew how to do the job), my boss hired this utter douchebag. He was (and often is) the epitome of someone who was all surface and no substance, someone who kissed ass and chatted people up instead of solving problems. And my boss went about integrating him into our group the total wrong way, putting him on a weird pedestal. Something like six months later, he was promoted, then got another promotion into another department. But that first week, when I was sitting there, supposed to be training him, and it just hit me how futile it was working for someone who would hire someone like this jackass.
I got up from my desk, walked outside, and thought about throwing myself in front of a car. I didn't. I left work early, and I got help. I got therapy. I started taking meds. I started figuring stuff out, working on issues. I remember after being on meds for a while, I went in to talk to a doctor about going off the meds, and she was asking me how my life had really changed, and all that surface stuff of living in the same place, being at the same job, that was all there. But my inner world, self-concept, and whatnot, had made a radical shift. Then more stuff happened, started dating my ex R, back on meds again, breaking up with R... anyway a lot of stuff happened. And throughout it all, a lot of these same basic facts are there, including being at the same job.
So I'm still at that same job. I've changed. I continue to change. I'm not taking meds, I'm only going to therapy once a month. I am not always working actively on my mental health, not spending days reading affirmations, not reading self-help books. But I do feel like I'm always progressing in one way or another. And sometimes it's very slow, very hard to notice how much I've progressed. And when you work at a place where you used to dread coming into work, where you used to fantasize about being anywhere but there all day, but then you continue to go in and be effective at your job... that's something. Not saying I deserve a fucking medal, of course, but I think the fact that I managed to cope with the day to day facts of holding down a job and paying my bills while at the height of depression (the depth of depression?), I should get some credit.
I was trying about how this training brought up some bad feelings, but then I digressed into the background information. I think I'm able to bury my feelings about work in the day to day monotony of actually doing my job, but then attending this class where we had to talk about our feelings and our personal growth, it made me feel kind of shitty. Because I don't feel empowered in my work. I don't feel understood. I feel sometimes like I work with a bunch of idiots, and things would be better if I were running things. Or at the very least, if people recognized my value and intelligence instead of micromanaging me and treating me like I'm simple. Even if I was un-intelligent, I've been doing the same job for years, and so obviously am not a total idiot. But no one ever really asks me, "What do you think we should do?" and sits and listens to my answer. And I've always been a bit afraid to say what I think, and to answer that question that hasn't been asked. But maybe it's time to try to speak up.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Cutting the Cord
I wanted to write about my fabulous weekend but it's now the middle of the week. I felt like I had a lot of good moments this weekend with friends and realized that a cord from my life that I have been holding onto for about a year needed to be cut. I don't know why I am so indecisive sometimes, even after making a decision, not sure where I am going. I think when you spend your life around controlling people, it becomes hard to hear your own voice. I am learning to listen.
I think sometimes I view change as all or nothing, or as going from 0 to 60, and it's not always like that. When trying to change, I need to remember that it takes time, that it is often the water pouring slowly over the rock that grinds it down. And remember that I'd rather be the water than the rock.
We had customer service training today at work. I have been at my job for a long ass time and this is the first formal training I think I've had, and it wasn't really that formal. Days like today, I think I'm not cut out for corporate American (not like we are very corporate, actually) but more likely, I think that they aren't cut out for me. It was interesting talking to people that I usually don't talk to, and how a lot of people have that feeling of not really being sure what they want to do when they grow up. I'm pretty sure I feel that way too but I am also sure now that I do want to grow up at some point.
I think sometimes I view change as all or nothing, or as going from 0 to 60, and it's not always like that. When trying to change, I need to remember that it takes time, that it is often the water pouring slowly over the rock that grinds it down. And remember that I'd rather be the water than the rock.
We had customer service training today at work. I have been at my job for a long ass time and this is the first formal training I think I've had, and it wasn't really that formal. Days like today, I think I'm not cut out for corporate American (not like we are very corporate, actually) but more likely, I think that they aren't cut out for me. It was interesting talking to people that I usually don't talk to, and how a lot of people have that feeling of not really being sure what they want to do when they grow up. I'm pretty sure I feel that way too but I am also sure now that I do want to grow up at some point.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Acid Mouth
I went to the dentist yesterday. I know I've mentioned this before, too lazy to figure out when, but every time I go in, my dentist seems to want to do more shit. I seriously have fine teeth. They tell me over and over again how my teeth seem strong, in great shape, etc. Yet they come up with more stupid crap to do. The latest is testing the ph of my mouth. See, I guess if your mouth is more alkaline, you get less cavities. Or something. Nevermind that I don't seem to get random cavities, and when I do get them, it is because I'm not doing a good job of brushing and flossing. So my mouth always comes up as a bit acidic. First time they tested me, I had a morning appointment and had just drunk coffee. This time, I had a salad for lunch that had a lot of vegetables on it. After they give me the test, and my mouth is acidic, I say, what do you want me to do, stop eating vegetables, because I'm not going to do that.
Also at one point, the hygienist says something about me needing to get more exercise. I pull out my pedometer, which is right on my waistband, and say, um, yeah I can tell you how many paces I walk in a day. So, you have NO way of looking at me and making an assumption that I'm not getting any exercise without asking any questions or getting any background information. Then as she starts talking, she is talking about how she herself often doesn't feel like exercising. So I would have to say, this is all pretty much about HER and her own issues.
I took a class on Zen meditation when I was 23, and one of the things that stuck with me from this class (and no, it sadly wasn't a feeling of inner peace) is that 95% of what people talk about is themselves. They may sound like they are talking to you, about you, about other people, but much of it is about themselves. I would probably change that now to say that it's a reflection of themselves, but that seems pretty accurate. I try to remind myself of this, especially when I'm at work and dealing with asshole callers (which I had one of this week), that he's really not talking to me, but he's talking at me and dealing with his own issues.
The things we love in others, we love within ourselves, and the things we hate in others, we hate within ourselves. Maybe this isn't totally true, but I think about nurturing more love for other people and for myself. Sometimes it's pretty hard, like when I was dealing with asshole caller this week. I can tell myself over and over again that this is all about his issue, but still sometimes people push your buttons, no matter what you tell yourself to try to deal with the bad feeling.
Also at one point, the hygienist says something about me needing to get more exercise. I pull out my pedometer, which is right on my waistband, and say, um, yeah I can tell you how many paces I walk in a day. So, you have NO way of looking at me and making an assumption that I'm not getting any exercise without asking any questions or getting any background information. Then as she starts talking, she is talking about how she herself often doesn't feel like exercising. So I would have to say, this is all pretty much about HER and her own issues.
I took a class on Zen meditation when I was 23, and one of the things that stuck with me from this class (and no, it sadly wasn't a feeling of inner peace) is that 95% of what people talk about is themselves. They may sound like they are talking to you, about you, about other people, but much of it is about themselves. I would probably change that now to say that it's a reflection of themselves, but that seems pretty accurate. I try to remind myself of this, especially when I'm at work and dealing with asshole callers (which I had one of this week), that he's really not talking to me, but he's talking at me and dealing with his own issues.
The things we love in others, we love within ourselves, and the things we hate in others, we hate within ourselves. Maybe this isn't totally true, but I think about nurturing more love for other people and for myself. Sometimes it's pretty hard, like when I was dealing with asshole caller this week. I can tell myself over and over again that this is all about his issue, but still sometimes people push your buttons, no matter what you tell yourself to try to deal with the bad feeling.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Out Of The Woodwork
In olden times, before we had computers and whatnot, before people even traveled far from the village where they were born and raised, people probably never had that feeling of others coming out of the woodwork, out of the past, out of nowhere and back into our lives.
Now with the internet, that happens all the time. This week, this guy contacted me through IM. I met him once, and I don't really remember what happened. I was probably in one of my more experimental and open-minded phases of meeting guys, and I wasn't sitting down with a journal keeping track of every single thing. The fact that I don't really remember much could indicate that he left little of an impression, or that I met him and forgot because I was busy being really really interested in some other guy, or that there was something blandly negative there. Not enough to register on the memory. Anyway, I certainly didn't get a bad impression of him, nor necessarily a good one. Totally neutral, blank.
So, out of the woodwork he comes, and is talking to me thru IM when I'm at work. If I were a different person, I probably would have asked how I knew him, from where and when, but I didn't. I did try to ask about what time frame we knew each other, trying to place this single date amongst the chronology of my real long term relationships. He wasn't very precise either. Obviously I was only memorable enough to try to IM and flirt with, but not to have made it into his date book either. I'm not insulted. But I wonder which incarnation of me he met, because that's the woman he was trying to talk to now. I don't think I'm that person anymore.
I've been through a few phases since I was out of college that I was meeting a lot of men. A lot. I would go out on tons of dates with just about anyone who would strike up a conversation online and ask me. I don't really think it was out of desperation, but I also don't think I set many standards other than "not psycho" which is actually not much of a standard. Quite frankly there are a lot of people out there who are not certifiable, but still are annoying as hell to be around. I often saw it as a game of odds, where there was 1 in a 100 of the guys I would meet that I would like, so I'd go out on a hundred dates, hoping to meet that one. But I wasted a lot of time there, and would have a lot of negative experiences that made me burn out on dating.
I don't mean to sound like I'm putting this all on the guys out there, that I was perfect, and they were assholes. I think I've never been very clear about what I want to myself, much less to other people. I have a lot of friends who were very much on the "marriage then kids" path, and I think then it's easier if you are out there dating, looking for the future father of your child. Since I was never doing that, even when sometimes I thought I might like kids, I had to set up a different set of standards. But I don't think I was ever discerning in the right way, and I would take setbacks to heart. If I liked someone, and they didn't like me, my heart would be broken for a few days. I remember rejections sometimes from years ago, sometimes as proof of my being unworthy of being loved. See, I'd say, you have to take what you can get, because that guy there didn't love you. And if anyone liked me too much, well, they were crazy and there was something wrong with them.
I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to have a balance, go on a date because I'm interested to get to know a person and see how/if they can fit into my life. I want to be in a relationship. I like being in relationships. I'm just not sure how to do it anymore, with the person I want to be now.
Now with the internet, that happens all the time. This week, this guy contacted me through IM. I met him once, and I don't really remember what happened. I was probably in one of my more experimental and open-minded phases of meeting guys, and I wasn't sitting down with a journal keeping track of every single thing. The fact that I don't really remember much could indicate that he left little of an impression, or that I met him and forgot because I was busy being really really interested in some other guy, or that there was something blandly negative there. Not enough to register on the memory. Anyway, I certainly didn't get a bad impression of him, nor necessarily a good one. Totally neutral, blank.
So, out of the woodwork he comes, and is talking to me thru IM when I'm at work. If I were a different person, I probably would have asked how I knew him, from where and when, but I didn't. I did try to ask about what time frame we knew each other, trying to place this single date amongst the chronology of my real long term relationships. He wasn't very precise either. Obviously I was only memorable enough to try to IM and flirt with, but not to have made it into his date book either. I'm not insulted. But I wonder which incarnation of me he met, because that's the woman he was trying to talk to now. I don't think I'm that person anymore.
I've been through a few phases since I was out of college that I was meeting a lot of men. A lot. I would go out on tons of dates with just about anyone who would strike up a conversation online and ask me. I don't really think it was out of desperation, but I also don't think I set many standards other than "not psycho" which is actually not much of a standard. Quite frankly there are a lot of people out there who are not certifiable, but still are annoying as hell to be around. I often saw it as a game of odds, where there was 1 in a 100 of the guys I would meet that I would like, so I'd go out on a hundred dates, hoping to meet that one. But I wasted a lot of time there, and would have a lot of negative experiences that made me burn out on dating.
I don't mean to sound like I'm putting this all on the guys out there, that I was perfect, and they were assholes. I think I've never been very clear about what I want to myself, much less to other people. I have a lot of friends who were very much on the "marriage then kids" path, and I think then it's easier if you are out there dating, looking for the future father of your child. Since I was never doing that, even when sometimes I thought I might like kids, I had to set up a different set of standards. But I don't think I was ever discerning in the right way, and I would take setbacks to heart. If I liked someone, and they didn't like me, my heart would be broken for a few days. I remember rejections sometimes from years ago, sometimes as proof of my being unworthy of being loved. See, I'd say, you have to take what you can get, because that guy there didn't love you. And if anyone liked me too much, well, they were crazy and there was something wrong with them.
I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to have a balance, go on a date because I'm interested to get to know a person and see how/if they can fit into my life. I want to be in a relationship. I like being in relationships. I'm just not sure how to do it anymore, with the person I want to be now.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Other People
There was a time earlier this year, when I was feeling like I didn't have much of a social life, didn't have many friends. I started thinking about how I could step outside of that feeling, how I could expand my social circles. And then Kailyn got us busy with Gals About Town which is all about going out and seeing and doing stuff. I feel like I've been doing something every day of every weekend, with my volunteering, also going out and eating in new places, seeing new things. And not to mention my usual schedule of volunteering and working full-time. I have been feeling lately like I really need time off, especially from work. Maybe a mental health day? The problem is that since I'm going to Italy in a few months, I can't really take time off work. Gotta save up my vacation time for the three weeks I'll be taking off work. I was going over my records, and I didn't feel like I'd taken any vacation time this year because I haven't gone anywhere, but I took time off because of out of town visitors and time off for my finals in my Italian classes.
I also feel kind of socially awkward sometimes, out of practice with some social niceties. I think that spending four and a half years dating someone who was always putting me down, saying that I "talked funny" and wasn't humorous or easy to follow, well, that all made me sometimes nervous about how I am in casual conversations. Add to that a year and a half of dating someone who really didn't talk that much, and not a lot of conversations in between, and I feel sometimes like I don't know exactly how to do the whole conversation thing. It was easier when I was going to group therapy every week, because there was a lot of talking and a lot of listening going on. I felt like I had practice then, and I'm not sure how much practice I get now. Sometimes conversations I have are just waiting for the other person to be quiet so I can talk. And sometimes I feel like my job, listening to people and their computer problems on the phone, makes me an impatient listener. I want to get to the real problem and then solve it, and cut through some of the unnecessary (to me anyway) details.
I also have been feeling like I'm just generally more anxious than I'd like to be. Though when it comes down to it, I'd like to have no anxiety at all, and I'm not really sure if that is possible. I guess we all live with some anxiety, but I just tend to find it very paralyzing. I have all these things to do, so I don't do any of them because I'm anxious. I guess the lesson is to chip away at what must be done, one bit at a time.
I also feel kind of socially awkward sometimes, out of practice with some social niceties. I think that spending four and a half years dating someone who was always putting me down, saying that I "talked funny" and wasn't humorous or easy to follow, well, that all made me sometimes nervous about how I am in casual conversations. Add to that a year and a half of dating someone who really didn't talk that much, and not a lot of conversations in between, and I feel sometimes like I don't know exactly how to do the whole conversation thing. It was easier when I was going to group therapy every week, because there was a lot of talking and a lot of listening going on. I felt like I had practice then, and I'm not sure how much practice I get now. Sometimes conversations I have are just waiting for the other person to be quiet so I can talk. And sometimes I feel like my job, listening to people and their computer problems on the phone, makes me an impatient listener. I want to get to the real problem and then solve it, and cut through some of the unnecessary (to me anyway) details.
I also have been feeling like I'm just generally more anxious than I'd like to be. Though when it comes down to it, I'd like to have no anxiety at all, and I'm not really sure if that is possible. I guess we all live with some anxiety, but I just tend to find it very paralyzing. I have all these things to do, so I don't do any of them because I'm anxious. I guess the lesson is to chip away at what must be done, one bit at a time.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Stocking Up
I went to Costco after work and got the giant package of maxi pads. Are those super thin ones really called maxi pads now? I don't remember when Always came out with those thin pads, but they are the best things ever. I remember as a young girl, that feeling of wearing a diaper, and one time I was wearing a shorter skirt and someone in my elementary school even thought I was in fact wearing a diaper, and said something loudly to that affect. Gee, thanks, chicky poo. Great that I still remember that, probably 25 years ago... Anyway, in addition to the maxi pads at Costco, I also got a big bottle of Advil from Target. And I hungrily eyed the giant chocolate cake that the woman behind me in line was getting at Costco.
I am hoping to snap out of my tiredness that has been plaguing me this week. Is it hormonal? That is my hope, because that means it will pass, and not that I am coming down with something. I have things to do, emails to write, and I feel little like doing much of anything.
I am hoping to snap out of my tiredness that has been plaguing me this week. Is it hormonal? That is my hope, because that means it will pass, and not that I am coming down with something. I have things to do, emails to write, and I feel little like doing much of anything.
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