Into The Future

I had a moment in my trip to LA.  I was driving by the 90 freeway, this tiny four-mile freeway that has one exit, and I remembered how I used to live off of that exit when I was a kid.  And there was that moment where I was swept in a feeling of it all being okay.  That my childhood happened, that all kinds of shit happened that I've been dealing with in the last year, and really that it's all kind of okay.  I've been filled with a lot of anger at things in the past, a lot of conflicts, trying to sort ideas out in my head, and deal with things that happened long ago.  And while I love visiting people in Los Angeles, love going down there, I know it's not my home anymore.  But it was okay that it once was, and I was filled with a feeling of gratitude for things that did happen in the past.  Too often my mind, in the throes of depression, has been concentrating on what went wrong, what the problems were, and in some ways, how I could make a list of how I was wronged.  And instead, I started focusing on what was right.

This upcoming year, I'd like to let go of my anger.  And also be more direct with that anger, instead of letting it fester in me.  I feel like I've done a lot of internal growth this year, and worked towards self-acceptance, and having a more positive body-image, and generally trying to avoid situations that added to me being depressed or anxious.  I want to continue to do that.  I also have gotten out of the habit of talking about my feelings, compounding that by being in a year and a half relationship with someone who couldn't talk about his and I felt around him, I couldn't share my feelings either.  I realize that was sort of the crux of the issue.  I need to stop being held back by things that happened years ago, and move onward into the future.

Cleaning & Spending

I have been busy the last few days.  I just finished my fifth load of laundry, and as a single person, I'm not really sure how I ended up with five loads, when I usually run one or two.  But I think it was me putting aside a bunch of sweaters for the gentle cycle in one load, then doing sheets, plus comforter cover, as separate loads.  Wow, that sounds pretty boring, like all I've been doing is laundry.  Should I mention the vacuuming, the trying to beat back the mold in my bathroom, and actually going through things in a vain attempt to get rid of crap?

So thus far this month when I should be buying presents for other people, I have spent a small fortune.  First, I had to get new textbooks for my Italian class starting in January, and that was about $200.  I procrastinated a little then ended up buying the stuff on Amazon, and it probably turned out fine, but upon receiving my book and workbook in the mail, I think they are both incredibly overpriced.  I forgot that college textbooks are like that, mostly because when I was in college, my mom paid for all my textbooks, and I didn't have those moments of "hm, groceries for three weeks or a textbook."  Of all of the reasons to be grateful for my mom, not having to worry about that shit in college was a big one.

Then I took my car in for oil change and some other fluid thing that was expensive, and when I was there, they were like "wow your battery is really low."  Of course, it's the original battery and my car is now over eight years old.  So, I got a new battery and got the guy at the auto parts store to put it in.  I guess is this one of those things that they do, help you out with stuff, all the while looking around because it's not their policy.  It is kind of annoying having dated a couple of guys who worked on cars, or said they were good with cars, but they never helped me.  And this random guy who worked at Kragen, well, he just took care of it.  And a lot cheaper than having a boyfriend, just gave him $10 for doing it.  But still, all this car shit has been expensive this year.  And it's all general maintenance.  I have no plans to get another car though, so the expenses seem necessary.

Tomorrow, I'm heading down to LA to hang out with friends.  I am already looking forward to relaxing, eating dim sum Christmas Day, and getting out of town for a while.

Holiday! Celebrate!

I don't know if it just seems like my holiday break comes super early this year, but as of yesterday, I am on vacation until January 3, 2011.  I think this is a good break for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was that I was starting to feel so burnt out by work that I was ready to yell at people.  And I don't really want to go down that road at work.

What will I do with all my free time?  I feel like I have a lot of basic stuff to do around the house, starting with vacuuming and moving forward.  And going down to LA for a bit to see DMA and other friends, and have some Christmas Day dim sum along with the other Jews and lots of Asian people.  We went last year to this popular place in Chinatown and are going to do it again this year.  Christmas traditions of food off carts.  I could make up a whole song about this.

I think there is a desire this time of year to make a list of "what did I do, what did I accomplish" and all that.  I might get to that sort of blog-writing at a later date.  I actually feel like I've been dealing with a lot of issues this year that I haven't really talked about or wanted to talk much about to anyone, and while I don't feel like I have a handle on everything, I am at a point where I feel okay with that. 

Had dinner with C last night.  Kind of random, he IMed me at work and asked if I wanted to meet.  It's weird, how I kind of miss him some days, and I wonder about us reconnecting.  I think if he actually said something to me, anything, about his feelings or about what happened, it would be a lot easier.  But I kind of feel instead like I have to read between the lines, and wonder if it was always like that, a year and a half of me guessing, or if things just degenerated over time. 

Not Really An Autobiography

I think I mentioned this mind-body anti-stress course I've been taking through Kaiser this fall, right?  Anyway, it is this two hours once a week class, and I find that I'm not really getting that much out of it.  It varies week by week.  After last week, when this woman who has a lot of issues and I would probably diagnose her as clinically depressed (not like I'm a clinician, but have been and been around plenty of depressed people), hijacked the class and spent about half an hour talking about her problems in terms of what this other person was doing to her.  It was really hard to sit through, and since the instructor is not a therapist, she just kept saying she was sympathetic but can we move on... and the woman didn't want to move on.  Rinse and repeat.

We were at the halfway point in the class so I was considering just not coming back.  But I did go through the workbook, and I looked at the topics for the next few weeks, and the topics themselves really interest me, and the workbook doesn't explain them very well, and while the instructor annoys me in some ways, she is good at explaining stuff.  So I went in tonight.  And I just think it was a mixed bag.  We talked a lot about core beliefs, and how destructive negative core beliefs can be.  I found that particular discussion very useful because I am working on some of my own core beliefs.  But then we tend to get into a lot of ridiculous shit where people talk about Dr Phil and Dr Oz (is he even a therapist or is he a medical doctor?) and go through these fairly goofy new-agey things that make me either wince or want to stab someone.  Maybe I was born at the wrong time or you have to pass through the hallowed halls of menopause to understand that shit and feel like it helps you.

And, in the aforementioned workbook, there was a section on journaling and how to get started, and then it listed some "autobiographies" including Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, which is a fictional story.  Hm, Amazon says that it's semi-autobiographical.  What the fuck does that mean?  It's about a dude who makes paintings, which, as far as I know, did not describe James Joyce.  I would wager it's no more "semi-autobiographical" than any other work where the author writes about someone with similar upbringing as themselves.  Anyway, I pointed this out to the instructor (feeling a bit like a tool, but also like someone had to say something) and she said something like thanks for telling me, and I'm pretty sure the workbook won't be changed.

If I try to nail down what annoys me about this class, it's probably two-fold.  In addition to this whole false positivity new-agey Dr Phil bullcrap, the instructor spends a lot of time talking about how the class is not supposed to be therapy.  And when I told my story of a negative core belief and finding out about it in therapy, she immediately says thanks for sharing and that is a good example, and then, but this class is NOT therapy.  Um okay.  We just learn the tools of therapy without calling it that?  Or is it really not therapy?  When she says that, it makes me feel like mental illness is being shoved into a corner.  And don't put mental illness in the corner!  Because there are others who need therapy more than I do at this point.

All I know is, I can't wait to tell my therapist about this!  She recommended this course to me.

Navigating The Darkness

This is the first winter in a years where I haven't been on medication for depression.  I think I'm in remission, that is, I don't really feel like I need my medication anymore, and don't feel like I have many days where I'm depressed.  I don't really notice many depressed thoughts, either.  But I do notice that I am often exhibiting some of my depressive-behaviors, like wanting to stay at home a lot and not socialize very much.  But as I type that, I think of how much socialization that I do end up doing.  In addition to working at a job that primarily consists of me talking to people all day, I also have a friend I walk with most days at lunch and we talk during that time.  And I'm taking an Italian class where I talk a lot, and I have a friend in the class that I talk to before and after the class.  Then my stress class, I also talk during that class.  And I talk to people all the time at the humane society.  So usually by the time I have away from these activities, I mostly want to sit silently at home, watching TV or hanging out with the felines, who are fairly undemanding creatures.  (Though as I type this, Kiki is sitting right next to me and purring loudly and occasionally trying to walk on the keyboard.  Not that I'm complaining about this cuteness of hers.)

Sometimes I have dark thoughts though, and I realize that a lot of these thoughts are just fears that somehow my mind says as though they are realities.  I've been trying to deal with myself as is, accept myself as I am now, but I find myself often thinking that I need to change to attract a mate.  In what ways?  Lose weight for starters.  Become fitter.  Become sweeter, more docile, less honest.  Subjugate my desires more.  Or act more casual like I'm just interested in hanging out and not in a serious relationship.  Or that I'm just too old to meet anyone, that everyone good is "taken" and I should just give up (despite not really having tried to meet anyone recently anyway).  And then I have thoughts of C being somehow my last best hope. 

Yeah, when I type these thoughts out, I realize what I have been telling myself about these thoughts is true, that they won't make me happy and they are just a way of punishing myself for my supposed past "failures."  When I haven't really failed at anything.  I'm a thirty-seven year old single woman who loves cats.  I'm not some fucking stereotype of spinsterhood but a real person who would like to meet a good guy and get married some day.  But I'm not in a hurry to bind myself to someone out of fear of ending up alone surrounded by cats, because my cats are good company and nicer than most people.  (And as far as I have heard, unlike dogs, cats won't eat your corpse if you happen to drop dead in your home.  Though I'm not really sure about Teddy in this instance.)  And I can't date someone again where I don't feel like I can talk to them about my thoughts and feelings.  Or date someone who takes all his problems out on me and criticizes me continuously.  

I can't change my past any more than I can predict my future, but I can work here on the present, pushing against the darkness, dealing with the dark thoughts as they arise, and remind myself that there is light ahead.