Too many pangs today, missing people, missing my felines, missing the friends and family and being able to talk to people. We ate some kebab last night which tasted good but left us both feeling ill and my stomach just still feels vile. I miss that feeling of going to bed with Kiki lying across my side, snuggling and purring. I kind of miss being on a schedule. And I miss my down comforter. And Teddy running around and being silly. And not living on a street that is noisy day and night, so annoying. I miss talking to everyone, especially C. We´ve exchanged some emails, and he signed one with ¨love¨and I don´t know if he means he loves me. I would assume that is what it means, but I didn´t sign a message back with that and his last message just said hugs. Am I being silly? Perhaps.
Something about travel is that it gets you out of your life, which is really great when you are hating your life, but now, there is much about my life that I miss at the moment.
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Later addition:
Am feeling much better. I had an awesome walk back to our apartment, with some lovely city-scape behind me, snapped a few photos, saw a hot guy who looked like Gabriel Garcia Bernal, and we just had some Mexican food for dinner. Also I realized Daylight Savings Time was here a few days ago. Ooops. Tomorrow we are doing a day-trip to Segovia, home of suckling-pig.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Spanish Food
We finally ate Spanish food last night. It was raining and cold, and we ducked into this gigantic restaurant, bar, gaming place that had slot machines, beers, and food, and we ordered the paella which was really good though we got the one with seafood including clams and mussels which I don´t eat at all and squid which I don´t like much. Annie seemed to like those items and I ate the delicious white fish and shrimp and some kind of small shellfish, maybe a langostine or something? I took a photo of it, I think. We had Italian food the night before for Annie´s bday and the owner brought us two cups of strong liquer after dinner. I think one was that licorice flavor and the other, maybe grappa? Anyway, it was pretty strong and we were walking home plastered. Plastero?
I haven´t found my lack of Spanish to be much of a problem, other than I sometimes speak English too fast for people. The only thing is sometimes figuring out what things are, on menus and what have you, and what things do and where the exits are. They usually have universal signs so that is pretty good.
DMA is here, going to the Prado today. More later.
I haven´t found my lack of Spanish to be much of a problem, other than I sometimes speak English too fast for people. The only thing is sometimes figuring out what things are, on menus and what have you, and what things do and where the exits are. They usually have universal signs so that is pretty good.
DMA is here, going to the Prado today. More later.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Hola Amigos
Here in an internet cafe in Madrid where access is two euros for an hour. This is our first full day as yesterday was an all travel day. LAX to Paris to Barcelona to Madrid. A day of random airplane meals where it seems that they stuff you of carbs to keep you quiet. A small bottle of surprisingly good wine and a glass of champagne on the main flight helped me sleep really well. I still feel a bit disoriented and jet-lagged even though I slept for 12 hours. There is a radio station here playing American music, mostly 80s and 90s stuff. A surprising number of things are in English and a lot of people seem to understand a little bit of it. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant.
Our apartment is really big, probably room for 6 people to sleep, and has a kitchen and good sized bathroom. We went out and got supplies last night and DMA made breakfast. There wasn´t a frying pan but she managed. Our first stop was to book a new place to stay in Barcelona since the assholes that we had a reservation with bailed at the last minute. I am hoping that they will eventually credit my account for the deposit, but I think they are untrustworthy and worthy of scorn.
I´m starting to feel the jet-lag catch up with me, perhaps it is siesta time. Hope you all are well and I will post more next time I´m in front of a computer.
Our apartment is really big, probably room for 6 people to sleep, and has a kitchen and good sized bathroom. We went out and got supplies last night and DMA made breakfast. There wasn´t a frying pan but she managed. Our first stop was to book a new place to stay in Barcelona since the assholes that we had a reservation with bailed at the last minute. I am hoping that they will eventually credit my account for the deposit, but I think they are untrustworthy and worthy of scorn.
I´m starting to feel the jet-lag catch up with me, perhaps it is siesta time. Hope you all are well and I will post more next time I´m in front of a computer.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Mon Voyage
I am gearing myself up for packing. The fact that I came home from C's around two and immediately took a nap with Kiki hasn't made me super productive. I wasn't super tired, but I definitely sleep differently at C's and Sunday is really the day where I have enough free time to nap, even if I have to be packing and other stuff too. I keep saying, oh it will only take me two hours to pack, and that is my excuse for sitting here and looking at crap on the computer and not actually packing. However, I did wash all my dirty clothes and actually remove my suitcase from my closet so I am making progress. And I managed to print out most of my paperwork and actually put it all in my bag.
I am probably going to bring too many clothes. I am going for two weeks but both places were are staying have access to washers and dryers. And it's not like I'm going to some country where they wouldn't sell me clean underwear if I really needed it. I am trying to remind myself of the last trip, when I ended up with a pair of jeans that I never wore, but I think some of the reason of that was that I was sick in Paris and ended up wearing sweats or pjs for many of those days. So, I might be bringing three pairs of jeans, and if I'm cursing that later, so be it. My bag situation is better this time, since I have a smaller suitcase and a larger carryon, so I should be able to move things around more. Oh and I got a new smaller purse, which should make things easier all around.
I am probably going to bring too many clothes. I am going for two weeks but both places were are staying have access to washers and dryers. And it's not like I'm going to some country where they wouldn't sell me clean underwear if I really needed it. I am trying to remind myself of the last trip, when I ended up with a pair of jeans that I never wore, but I think some of the reason of that was that I was sick in Paris and ended up wearing sweats or pjs for many of those days. So, I might be bringing three pairs of jeans, and if I'm cursing that later, so be it. My bag situation is better this time, since I have a smaller suitcase and a larger carryon, so I should be able to move things around more. Oh and I got a new smaller purse, which should make things easier all around.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Externalization & Preparation
I feel a hell of a lot less frustrated with everything today. Of course it helps that I really have only about four more hours of work to go and then not here for three weeks. Seriously. How freaking awesome is that? Even if I sat at home and stared at the walls, that would be awesome. And I'm going to do the opposite of staring at the walls; I'm going to Spain. And I might stare at some walls there, but I'm sure they will be very different from the American walls I am surrounded by.
Things are better with C. We had dinner last night and margaritas and it was just fun, hanging out and watching stuff online. He makes me laugh. And he always brings me a little gift or something, which is sweet. He's actually somewhat protective of me, assisting in my driving (like if I'm backing up, he's guiding me) and whatnot. Okay, that might get a little annoying eventually, but it's kind of nice having someone else take care of stuff and be at the very least, helpful. With my ex, he expected me to do everything and was so infrequently useful. And C has already brought me more gifts than my ex ever did in our four and a half year relationship.
I realized that some of what I was doing earlier in the week was externalizing my feelings and thinking that my doubt about things was also his doubt. As it says in the link, externalization can make you neurotic. Um, yeah. Hanging out with him last night, I realized that in his mind, things aren't full of deliberations and complications, and he was wanting everything to continue onwards the way it has been thus far. He talked a few times about things we would do when I get back from my trip, which I took as a good sign. Though when I asked him what he wanted from Spain, he couldn't come up with anything. If anyone has any ideas there, let me know. I'm thinking maybe something edible or a t-shirt (if I can figure out what size he wears), or maybe something both Spanish and geeky.
While I'm not going to be at work after today, I won't be leaving the country until next Wednesday, so I might update a day or two. And then, well, I'll be in internet cafes, and I want to remember to bring my camera cord so I can upload a few photos. Last time I went to Europe, I was online only every few days, not sure if it will be more or less on this trip.
Things are better with C. We had dinner last night and margaritas and it was just fun, hanging out and watching stuff online. He makes me laugh. And he always brings me a little gift or something, which is sweet. He's actually somewhat protective of me, assisting in my driving (like if I'm backing up, he's guiding me) and whatnot. Okay, that might get a little annoying eventually, but it's kind of nice having someone else take care of stuff and be at the very least, helpful. With my ex, he expected me to do everything and was so infrequently useful. And C has already brought me more gifts than my ex ever did in our four and a half year relationship.
I realized that some of what I was doing earlier in the week was externalizing my feelings and thinking that my doubt about things was also his doubt. As it says in the link, externalization can make you neurotic. Um, yeah. Hanging out with him last night, I realized that in his mind, things aren't full of deliberations and complications, and he was wanting everything to continue onwards the way it has been thus far. He talked a few times about things we would do when I get back from my trip, which I took as a good sign. Though when I asked him what he wanted from Spain, he couldn't come up with anything. If anyone has any ideas there, let me know. I'm thinking maybe something edible or a t-shirt (if I can figure out what size he wears), or maybe something both Spanish and geeky.
While I'm not going to be at work after today, I won't be leaving the country until next Wednesday, so I might update a day or two. And then, well, I'll be in internet cafes, and I want to remember to bring my camera cord so I can upload a few photos. Last time I went to Europe, I was online only every few days, not sure if it will be more or less on this trip.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Holiday From Myself
I'm at this point now where I'm just sick of everything in my life, even those things that give me some pleasure. I'm sick of work, natch, but I'm also sick of volunteering, of therapy, of computers, of the internet, of my life in general. I feel like that is slightly exaggerated, but I am really looking forward to leaving town, and if I weren't going to Spain next week, I'd be looking into checking myself into some sort of retreat (or possibly a nuthouse).
I will say that I'm used to be sick of working and sick of my job. It's actually pretty slow here at work this week and we haven't had too many issues to deal with, so mostly I've been screwing around in Facebook, doing jigsaws, and staring off into space. I can deal with work being slow, and as long as I'm not getting managerial crap about time-wasting while I'm here, it's no big deal. So being sick of work is business as usual. If it were fun, they wouldn't call it work.
Sick of volunteering? I've been running around every Saturday, volunteering at two places, seeing cats get adopted, and seeing other cats not get adopted, and well, it's hard. The running around is hard. Also both places where I volunteer are going through transitions (which I'll miss when I'm in Spain) and that's difficult because I then will have to deal with changes, with changing my schedule, figuring out what I want to do. It's a good opportunity to break away from both places, though I don't really want to do that. I am hoping a few weeks off will leave me nicely refreshed and able to recommit myself to helping out.
Tired of therapy? Yup. There is that new woman who annoys me, who is definitely there to stay. I will say that I'm finding her less annoying and she's starting to fit into the group better, but when it came out last night that she has no friends, well, I wasn't really surprised to hear that. Oh yeah, other people find you annoying too? No kidding. I would actually guess some of her incessant talking and opinions are a result of not having enough friends to talk to outside of therapy, and it does make me somewhat more sympathetic to her. But last night, I just felt sick of everyone in that group, how everyone is 15+ years older than me, and they talk about joining senior groups and shit like that, and here I am struggling through what it means to be 35, not sure if I want to have kids, get married, or where to go with my career, not the same boat as those who are near or in retirement, menopausal, and what have you.
Then I'm a little annoyed with things with C, well, dunno if annoyed is quite the right word. We had a minor dispute over the weekend, and things don't seem quite the same, though in some way, I wonder if I'm just stressing myself out needlessly because it's easier to be stressed about that than things like packing and calling my bank to make sure my cards work over in Spain and putting everything together and getting enough cat supplies so that the kitties won't go hungry and wanting to clean up my place a little so I can come home to a cleaner apartment. I did get some new clothes last week but I still want to go through what I have and see what fits and all that. The weather in Spain promises to be really nice, so I won't have to pack anything too heavy, but I still want to be somewhat prepared. Anyway, I do think sometimes that I end up stressing about some minor thing so out of my control because I'd prefer to do that than worry about the major things that are in my control. It's easier to get all spun about something silly than it is to work on the things I need to do before I leave for LA next Monday and Spain for Wednesday.
I will say that I'm used to be sick of working and sick of my job. It's actually pretty slow here at work this week and we haven't had too many issues to deal with, so mostly I've been screwing around in Facebook, doing jigsaws, and staring off into space. I can deal with work being slow, and as long as I'm not getting managerial crap about time-wasting while I'm here, it's no big deal. So being sick of work is business as usual. If it were fun, they wouldn't call it work.
Sick of volunteering? I've been running around every Saturday, volunteering at two places, seeing cats get adopted, and seeing other cats not get adopted, and well, it's hard. The running around is hard. Also both places where I volunteer are going through transitions (which I'll miss when I'm in Spain) and that's difficult because I then will have to deal with changes, with changing my schedule, figuring out what I want to do. It's a good opportunity to break away from both places, though I don't really want to do that. I am hoping a few weeks off will leave me nicely refreshed and able to recommit myself to helping out.
Tired of therapy? Yup. There is that new woman who annoys me, who is definitely there to stay. I will say that I'm finding her less annoying and she's starting to fit into the group better, but when it came out last night that she has no friends, well, I wasn't really surprised to hear that. Oh yeah, other people find you annoying too? No kidding. I would actually guess some of her incessant talking and opinions are a result of not having enough friends to talk to outside of therapy, and it does make me somewhat more sympathetic to her. But last night, I just felt sick of everyone in that group, how everyone is 15+ years older than me, and they talk about joining senior groups and shit like that, and here I am struggling through what it means to be 35, not sure if I want to have kids, get married, or where to go with my career, not the same boat as those who are near or in retirement, menopausal, and what have you.
Then I'm a little annoyed with things with C, well, dunno if annoyed is quite the right word. We had a minor dispute over the weekend, and things don't seem quite the same, though in some way, I wonder if I'm just stressing myself out needlessly because it's easier to be stressed about that than things like packing and calling my bank to make sure my cards work over in Spain and putting everything together and getting enough cat supplies so that the kitties won't go hungry and wanting to clean up my place a little so I can come home to a cleaner apartment. I did get some new clothes last week but I still want to go through what I have and see what fits and all that. The weather in Spain promises to be really nice, so I won't have to pack anything too heavy, but I still want to be somewhat prepared. Anyway, I do think sometimes that I end up stressing about some minor thing so out of my control because I'd prefer to do that than worry about the major things that are in my control. It's easier to get all spun about something silly than it is to work on the things I need to do before I leave for LA next Monday and Spain for Wednesday.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Doubling Up On Therapy
I had my 1-1 with my therapist yesterday, and it stretched into a full hour (not that crappy 50 minute "hour" of therapy). I had printed out some key blog entries to show her, and she said that she thought me keeping a blog was really good idea and that it seems to be helping me reflect on crap in the past. Of course, I didn't show her anything that was critical of the other people in my group, since we aren't even supposed to talk about other people in therapy and what their issues are. I could very easily claim that it's just about my opinions, but I don't want to get in trouble. It was an interesting experience, reading my typed words aloud. I will say, reading the entries out loud, I kind of wanted to edit some of the words and improve the grammar. I really don't ever go back and edit what I write, and I probably should if I was interested in anything other than just writing things at the time.
My appointment went until 3 PM and I had decided before that there was no point in going back to work, so I went to the mall instead. I ended up blowing a good chunk of money on clothing, but quite frankly I needed it. New jeans and new pants, since the ones I have been wearing are baggy. And I got some new bras in a smaller band size, which actually makes a big difference in how things "sit" on top. In a very good way. I was thinking of spending more time at the mall, but after spending a ton of money at my first stop, I beat a hasty retreat before I could spend more. And I came home and washed my new jeans (which fit really well). Shopping was a nice addition to therapy.
My appointment went until 3 PM and I had decided before that there was no point in going back to work, so I went to the mall instead. I ended up blowing a good chunk of money on clothing, but quite frankly I needed it. New jeans and new pants, since the ones I have been wearing are baggy. And I got some new bras in a smaller band size, which actually makes a big difference in how things "sit" on top. In a very good way. I was thinking of spending more time at the mall, but after spending a ton of money at my first stop, I beat a hasty retreat before I could spend more. And I came home and washed my new jeans (which fit really well). Shopping was a nice addition to therapy.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Too Tired For Therapy?
I just printed out some of my old blog entries to bring into my one on one therapy session this afternoon. I also have the workbook I've been working on, but haven't picked up for a month. I always feel like I should have done more preparatory work for my one on one sessions, but I also feel like after canceling two appointments with me, my therapist will get what she gets. I know that most people love one on one therapy or at least vastly prefer it to group therapy, but I have found it far less productive. However, since my therapist and I already have a relationship from years of group therapy, and she's very progress-oriented, I do walk out of the sessions feeling like I've gotten somewhere and accomplished something.
Thankfully, I'm leaving work early today because I am guessing that at some point the fact that I was up too late is going to crash and burn me out. C came over to go out to eat and then he ended up staying the night. He drove his bike, and didn't want to drive back in the dark, or he just wanted to spend the night. Remember how I was talking about what I needed to take over to his house to spend the night? He brought far less than that, a book and some of those nasal strips that supposedly help you stop snoring. I'm not sure if they worked because every time I woke up, I think he was already awake, possibly from my snoring. I'm not really sure how much sleep he did get, but the miraculous thing was that when he woke up, he wasn't blaming me for his lack of sleep. And was grateful that I made him coffee and cereal for breakfast. I shouldn't take credit for "making" cereal, but it does take some skill to pour it into the bowl.
Since I get out early and am not coming back into work, I'm thinking I'm going to hit up the mall near my house and get some clothes for my trip. That is my thought anyway, provided I don't end up just exhausted and taking a nap at home.
Thankfully, I'm leaving work early today because I am guessing that at some point the fact that I was up too late is going to crash and burn me out. C came over to go out to eat and then he ended up staying the night. He drove his bike, and didn't want to drive back in the dark, or he just wanted to spend the night. Remember how I was talking about what I needed to take over to his house to spend the night? He brought far less than that, a book and some of those nasal strips that supposedly help you stop snoring. I'm not sure if they worked because every time I woke up, I think he was already awake, possibly from my snoring. I'm not really sure how much sleep he did get, but the miraculous thing was that when he woke up, he wasn't blaming me for his lack of sleep. And was grateful that I made him coffee and cereal for breakfast. I shouldn't take credit for "making" cereal, but it does take some skill to pour it into the bowl.
Since I get out early and am not coming back into work, I'm thinking I'm going to hit up the mall near my house and get some clothes for my trip. That is my thought anyway, provided I don't end up just exhausted and taking a nap at home.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Opinions, Everyone Has One
This new woman at group therapy is really starting to bug me. Not only does she bug me, but I can tell that she is annoying my therapist too. Yesterday, she spent about half an hour hijacking the group with her theories on marriage, including some talk of religion being an excuse for all, that G-d doesn't want you to get divorced or something, but then divorce is okay. It was a mix of contradictions and religious moralizing. Honestly, I think religion has a place for people, but it isn't really part of our therapy group and I hate it when people come in and start talking about it, like we are all believers like they are. What spiritual and religious beliefs I have are deeply personal, and honestly for a long time, I believed in a god that wanted me to suffer, or that was indifferent to my suffering, and I realized that was a distorted thought. Not to mention, her problems seem kind of circular, like she goes over and over how she feels without making much progress. It's annoying as hell. And she has an opinion about everything, and a large number of them just seem in the range of wrong to destructive.
To a small degree, I'm questioning continuing to go to therapy when I seem to both be happy and have my negative thoughts and emotions under control, but I also think that I am making a lot of effort to do so. I am sure some people wake up one day and feel "cured" and feel like the depression just lifts off them and they are "fine" but that's not me. I actually feel when I'm happier that I need to work harder, mentally, because I'm not used to it, and being happy can make me a little bit anxious. I have a hard time explaining this to people, to my friends, but somehow in therapy I was able to describe it better. Relationships aren't all fun and games, especially when you have a history of hooking up with destructive people and are trying to break out of that, and I am not really sure that I can trust my instincts or my heart because those have gotten me in trouble in the past.
Don't get me wrong, I am having fun.
To a small degree, I'm questioning continuing to go to therapy when I seem to both be happy and have my negative thoughts and emotions under control, but I also think that I am making a lot of effort to do so. I am sure some people wake up one day and feel "cured" and feel like the depression just lifts off them and they are "fine" but that's not me. I actually feel when I'm happier that I need to work harder, mentally, because I'm not used to it, and being happy can make me a little bit anxious. I have a hard time explaining this to people, to my friends, but somehow in therapy I was able to describe it better. Relationships aren't all fun and games, especially when you have a history of hooking up with destructive people and are trying to break out of that, and I am not really sure that I can trust my instincts or my heart because those have gotten me in trouble in the past.
Don't get me wrong, I am having fun.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Forgiveness, Joy, and Coffee
I woke up this morning with a feeling of hope and forgiveness. Actually, I should say that it started yesterday. When C and the friend were here on Wednesday, she and I got in a conversation about another mutual friend of ours, this guy that I knew years ago. I'm friends with him on Facebook even though I haven't really talked to him in over ten years. So yesterday at the longest day of the week at work, I started looking through his profile and then hopped over to his website.
Maybe I should tell the story first. This was about four months after I got out of college, and I was living in San Jose for the first time, didn't really know anyone other than my roommate and a college friend of my mom's (who turned out to be a nutbar, but, I digress), and then I started talking online with this guy. Now, I had talked to him before, in college, and thought he was intense and interesting but he had a serious girlfriend from high school, and well, I was always dating someone in college. But when we started talking again, I was getting out of my serious college relationship and his girlfriend had broken up with him a year ago. One thing led to another, and we talked and ended up spending the weekend together. I was thinking it was the beginning of something great, until he flipped out a day later and said he could never see me again because he was still not over his ex.
I remember this was a particularly dark time in my life. Quite frankly, getting out of college is hard for anyone, and working full-time, being in a strange new city, being far away from my family (which, don't get me wrong, was a large part of why I was in a strange new city, but it was still hard to not have that feeling of something soft to fall back on). I just felt out of place. And then heartbroken made me feel even worse. I remember being so depressed, and really, I didn't have a name for it then, but I just ate and ate and stuffed my feelings with food and sadness, and let this weekend of fun build into some sort of obsession and these feelings of there being something so wrong with me and that was why he ran away from me. It's pretty easy to realize this all now, to put it like that, but at the time, it was so painful and hard and I was convinced that I shouldn't have let my college boyfriend go and I'd never meet anyone again.
Which seems perfectly ludicrous now, but at the time, that was how I felt. And I sort of carried a bit of a torch for this guy, thinking if only I was what, thin enough, pretty enough, cool enough, some day he'd come back. And then some years later, I heard that he met some other woman online and ended up marrying her. Funnily enough, a college friend of mine ended up renting a room from them and I saw him, inadvertently, and pretended I didn't know him other than to say hi.
And now, years later, I was looking at his website and things about his life and actually really happy for him. I'm glad he found someone to love. I think it means that whatever hurt and turmoil he experienced over that first love is gone, at least, I hope it is, and that he's secure and happy in his life. It looks like he's made something for himself, and had a healthy relationship, and really, I was nothing but pleased to read that. And like a weight lifting, all those dark feelings I had about him were just gone, and I felt peace. I think that it was just one of those things of timing, and his rejection of me had nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with him going through a fucked up time in his life. And he was never right for me anyway, and I wasn't right for him. And that's okay.
Maybe I should tell the story first. This was about four months after I got out of college, and I was living in San Jose for the first time, didn't really know anyone other than my roommate and a college friend of my mom's (who turned out to be a nutbar, but, I digress), and then I started talking online with this guy. Now, I had talked to him before, in college, and thought he was intense and interesting but he had a serious girlfriend from high school, and well, I was always dating someone in college. But when we started talking again, I was getting out of my serious college relationship and his girlfriend had broken up with him a year ago. One thing led to another, and we talked and ended up spending the weekend together. I was thinking it was the beginning of something great, until he flipped out a day later and said he could never see me again because he was still not over his ex.
I remember this was a particularly dark time in my life. Quite frankly, getting out of college is hard for anyone, and working full-time, being in a strange new city, being far away from my family (which, don't get me wrong, was a large part of why I was in a strange new city, but it was still hard to not have that feeling of something soft to fall back on). I just felt out of place. And then heartbroken made me feel even worse. I remember being so depressed, and really, I didn't have a name for it then, but I just ate and ate and stuffed my feelings with food and sadness, and let this weekend of fun build into some sort of obsession and these feelings of there being something so wrong with me and that was why he ran away from me. It's pretty easy to realize this all now, to put it like that, but at the time, it was so painful and hard and I was convinced that I shouldn't have let my college boyfriend go and I'd never meet anyone again.
Which seems perfectly ludicrous now, but at the time, that was how I felt. And I sort of carried a bit of a torch for this guy, thinking if only I was what, thin enough, pretty enough, cool enough, some day he'd come back. And then some years later, I heard that he met some other woman online and ended up marrying her. Funnily enough, a college friend of mine ended up renting a room from them and I saw him, inadvertently, and pretended I didn't know him other than to say hi.
And now, years later, I was looking at his website and things about his life and actually really happy for him. I'm glad he found someone to love. I think it means that whatever hurt and turmoil he experienced over that first love is gone, at least, I hope it is, and that he's secure and happy in his life. It looks like he's made something for himself, and had a healthy relationship, and really, I was nothing but pleased to read that. And like a weight lifting, all those dark feelings I had about him were just gone, and I felt peace. I think that it was just one of those things of timing, and his rejection of me had nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with him going through a fucked up time in his life. And he was never right for me anyway, and I wasn't right for him. And that's okay.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Meet The Friends
DMA sent me the link to NiceCritic, anonymous criticism. I have a desire to spam everyone here with some suggestions but it appears our work spam filter will not let the messages through. Too bad.
After today, I only have two more work weeks until my trip to Spain. I am beyond thrilled. I am slowly taking care of the things that I need to line up. One of the big ones is getting my clothes situated. Did I mention I have lost 25 lbs so far? Anyway, I'm at a point where most of my clothes that I was wearing before are baggy and unflattering, and some of my smaller clothes fit okay. Since I'm ending my week of bloating at the moment, I am considering trying some stuff on in the closet, figuring out what I want to get, etc. 25 lbs was a real goal to get to, now I start to think about other goals. Like what I weighed before I met my ex, my pre-ex weight.
C asked me today if I'm up for going to see a movie with him and his friends this weekend. Yes, I am dating someone who has friends. This is a rare occurrence. Also, he wants his friends to meet me. I think. Am I nervous? Not particularly. Especially since we'll be seeing a movie. I did meet one of his friends last weekend anyway for two minutes. I think it's just one of the great things about being thirty-five and being enough extroverted to feel like I could talk to anyone about anything.
Oh, and just a note on the last post. So, both C and the mutual friend came over to watch TV on Wednesday, and it was pretty clear what the situation was with me and C, particularly since he grabbed my ass every time I stood up to get anything, and we were snuggled together on the couch, occasionally kissing and generally cuddling. The next day she wrote an email thanking me for inviting her and saying that he and I are cute together.
After today, I only have two more work weeks until my trip to Spain. I am beyond thrilled. I am slowly taking care of the things that I need to line up. One of the big ones is getting my clothes situated. Did I mention I have lost 25 lbs so far? Anyway, I'm at a point where most of my clothes that I was wearing before are baggy and unflattering, and some of my smaller clothes fit okay. Since I'm ending my week of bloating at the moment, I am considering trying some stuff on in the closet, figuring out what I want to get, etc. 25 lbs was a real goal to get to, now I start to think about other goals. Like what I weighed before I met my ex, my pre-ex weight.
C asked me today if I'm up for going to see a movie with him and his friends this weekend. Yes, I am dating someone who has friends. This is a rare occurrence. Also, he wants his friends to meet me. I think. Am I nervous? Not particularly. Especially since we'll be seeing a movie. I did meet one of his friends last weekend anyway for two minutes. I think it's just one of the great things about being thirty-five and being enough extroverted to feel like I could talk to anyone about anything.
Oh, and just a note on the last post. So, both C and the mutual friend came over to watch TV on Wednesday, and it was pretty clear what the situation was with me and C, particularly since he grabbed my ass every time I stood up to get anything, and we were snuggled together on the couch, occasionally kissing and generally cuddling. The next day she wrote an email thanking me for inviting her and saying that he and I are cute together.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Talking The Talk
There is a new woman who has been coming to therapy who annoys me. She talks too much, for starters, not just in sharing her stories but in offering advice. Last night she was making some comment on my situation, not knowing my past, and it was the complete opposite of what had happened to me in the past. So I totally shut her down with a "it was the complete opposite." She pretty much has a comment for everything, well, I do too, but my comments are on par with stuff that our therapist has said before, whereas she is new and doesn't know how to "talk the talk" in therapy. We'll see how that plays out.
Also, I just have to say that I hate people who try to manipulate me emotionally. And having spent a large amount of time in my life around passive-aggressive emotionally manipulative people, I'll just say that most of the time it just doesn't work. I don't know if I'm say that I'm just wired differently emotionally, but when someone is trying to push me in one direction, I end up going in the other. I encountered some of that today with my mutual friend with C. Well, I feel like I should put "friend" in quotes there. She said something that I think was an attempt to spin me out and whatnot, but I reacted with a "WTF" internally and said something offhand to her. Do not attempt to play me, because you will lose. That is what I would like to put at the top of my resume.
Anyway, therapy was good yesterday. I've been going through a lot of cognitive distortions and stressing myself out with negative thinking, and it was kind of nice to just get some of that out of my head and through my mouth, though my therapist thinks that I should work through these issues with writing them down. While it's a good thought, I also am not really sure where to write them. Keep a paper journal? Ugh. Been there, done that. Write them in this blog? Maybe, but I'm not crazy about that idea. The thing that really snapped me out was the "friend" trying to manipulate me, because it made me realize that in some way, my situation must be driving her nuts. Schadenfreude? Or just standing back and seeing how others see things?
Also, I just have to say that I hate people who try to manipulate me emotionally. And having spent a large amount of time in my life around passive-aggressive emotionally manipulative people, I'll just say that most of the time it just doesn't work. I don't know if I'm say that I'm just wired differently emotionally, but when someone is trying to push me in one direction, I end up going in the other. I encountered some of that today with my mutual friend with C. Well, I feel like I should put "friend" in quotes there. She said something that I think was an attempt to spin me out and whatnot, but I reacted with a "WTF" internally and said something offhand to her. Do not attempt to play me, because you will lose. That is what I would like to put at the top of my resume.
Anyway, therapy was good yesterday. I've been going through a lot of cognitive distortions and stressing myself out with negative thinking, and it was kind of nice to just get some of that out of my head and through my mouth, though my therapist thinks that I should work through these issues with writing them down. While it's a good thought, I also am not really sure where to write them. Keep a paper journal? Ugh. Been there, done that. Write them in this blog? Maybe, but I'm not crazy about that idea. The thing that really snapped me out was the "friend" trying to manipulate me, because it made me realize that in some way, my situation must be driving her nuts. Schadenfreude? Or just standing back and seeing how others see things?
Monday, March 02, 2009
March Hair Up My Ass
Hm, how did it suddenly become March? I guess this happened when I was visiting C, so I can technically claim some ignorance there. It's kind of a weird adjustment sleeping over at someone's house, and I would give it a B+ for me, not sure what his score was. I really have gone from having problems sleeping earlier in my life, from bouts with insomnia and waking up randomly in the middle of the night and not sleeping for hours, to now being able to sleep really well most of the time. I do have the occasional off night, but found I can sleep most new places, provided there is a nearby bathroom.
Anyway, spending the night with him was wonderful, and getting to see his place was great. He had warned me it was really messy, yadda yadda, and it was nowhere as bad as I thought. His bedroom is pretty chaotic and cluttered, bedroom and office with tons of computer stuff. I tend to try to keep my sleeping quarters very simple and even have a pretty monochromatic color scheme (red) and don't have a lot of equipment or things visible. (And if you want to know my secret to sleeping well at night, it's get rid of all that crap in your bedroom. Especially electronic stuff, big flashy clocks, and open closets.) It was cool to be around his books, his movies, see the huge thing of bookshelves lining the hallway. Yes, he likes books. He really likes them. Also his couch was super comfortable. His kitchen, which is small, pretty much looked like it exploded over what would probably be the dining room. His neighborhood is small, super quiet, and his cat is extremely sweet. He made a lot of effort to make me comfortable.
So why am I such a stressy freak today? Honestly, I don't really know. It's only been a couple weeks that we've been seeing each other, and I really like him, and I just like things to be settled. I want to ask, "so is this a relationship? Are we exclusive? Can I change my facebook status to 'in a relationship'? Do you like me? Do you really really like me? Because I like you a lot but I'm afraid of liking you too much? Because I'm a neurotic mess who, despite years of therapy and reading books and working on my issues still on some small level believes she doesn't deserve to be happy with someone." But you can't really say that to someone, and honestly, I am trying to work on those nutbar thoughts in my head so that I can present the best Fluffycat I can be, and not the neurotic needy energy-sucking beast that I sometimes worry that I am, lurking underneath my calm surface.
Of course, I am just doing it one day at a time. However, in about 23 days, I will be heading to Spain. Totally excited, but obviously am concerned as well about a billion things. Well, one thing at a time.
Anyway, spending the night with him was wonderful, and getting to see his place was great. He had warned me it was really messy, yadda yadda, and it was nowhere as bad as I thought. His bedroom is pretty chaotic and cluttered, bedroom and office with tons of computer stuff. I tend to try to keep my sleeping quarters very simple and even have a pretty monochromatic color scheme (red) and don't have a lot of equipment or things visible. (And if you want to know my secret to sleeping well at night, it's get rid of all that crap in your bedroom. Especially electronic stuff, big flashy clocks, and open closets.) It was cool to be around his books, his movies, see the huge thing of bookshelves lining the hallway. Yes, he likes books. He really likes them. Also his couch was super comfortable. His kitchen, which is small, pretty much looked like it exploded over what would probably be the dining room. His neighborhood is small, super quiet, and his cat is extremely sweet. He made a lot of effort to make me comfortable.
So why am I such a stressy freak today? Honestly, I don't really know. It's only been a couple weeks that we've been seeing each other, and I really like him, and I just like things to be settled. I want to ask, "so is this a relationship? Are we exclusive? Can I change my facebook status to 'in a relationship'? Do you like me? Do you really really like me? Because I like you a lot but I'm afraid of liking you too much? Because I'm a neurotic mess who, despite years of therapy and reading books and working on my issues still on some small level believes she doesn't deserve to be happy with someone." But you can't really say that to someone, and honestly, I am trying to work on those nutbar thoughts in my head so that I can present the best Fluffycat I can be, and not the neurotic needy energy-sucking beast that I sometimes worry that I am, lurking underneath my calm surface.
Of course, I am just doing it one day at a time. However, in about 23 days, I will be heading to Spain. Totally excited, but obviously am concerned as well about a billion things. Well, one thing at a time.
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