Generical

My salad was pretty exceptional, but it only made about three salads for the week, so today I brought in one of those microwavable soup things instead. It was really tasty, Italian wedding soup, but it's kinda tiny compared to a salad. (And the same four points.) I have some days where I just want to eat a lot of food, hell, most days, and a salad usually fits into that nicely.

So things with MB since his re-emergence in my life. Well. We talk almost every day through IM, talked on the phone last night, are supposedly meeting up this weekend. I'm still not really sure what I want out of all this, though. I put off meeting to this weekend to get some time, perspective, and really, it hasn't helped much. Did I mention his big apology to me for just blowing me off before? Anyway, I kind of asked him about it, and really the one thing I know is that he's not very duplicitous or cunning, which is good but that doesn't mean he won't just do the same thing he did before, which is just drop off the face of the earth when I thought we were, at the very least, friends.

It's been cold as hell here at night (hrm, that sounds inherently contradictory, but I kind of envision hell as being cold in parts) and that pretty much makes me want to get under the down comforter and sleep. I'm lucky in that I have a couple of fuzzy roommates who are also interested in sleeping. Sometimes I wake up, and Kiki is sitting on my chest or side, just holding me down, which makes it super cozy (and also, a little hard to get up). It's good that I have a job to go to, because I would probably sleep 12 hours a day otherwise.

Salad Of The Week

For the salad of this week, I went with a more Southwest kind of theme. I actually tried to make a low cost and lower cal version of one of my favorite ready made salads from Whole Foods. Started with some lettuce, which I buy in a bag from Trader Joe's (usually $2 per bag, each bag is about two salads worth). Then I added a bit of broccoli slaw I had leftover from last week (basically this is just julienned pieces of broccoli, carrots, and cabbage that I got from Safeway last week, though I got something similar at TJs today). Then I added a half cup of canned corn, a half cup of canned black beans (one point for each, and the cans were about a buck each, and end up being three servings), some sliced green onion, a quarter cup of lowfat shredded cheese (I got the "Mexican" flavor, two points for a quarter cup), and some heirloom mini tomatoes. I would guess each salad costs about $3 each. I still have some Italian dressing packets to go on top, but this would be more interesting if I made my own dressing. Also if you wanted to get fancy, you could add cilantro. I was thinking of putting avocado on, but since I make the salads up to three days in advance, I didn't think the avocado would last. I did have a thought of making it into guacamole first and plopping it on top, or using some kind of salsa for a dressing, but this is good for a first attempt.

I was doing salads with bacon in them the last few weeks. As far as I know (meaning, last time I got it tested), my cholesterol isn't bad, but I was thinking of maybe doing something with a little less animal fat in it. With this salad, I'm sure that if one wanted to go totally vegan, you could leave off the cheese. Or in the opposite direction, you could add some cooked chicken or other meat you had lying around. And with some creativity, it wouldn't be too hard to make some sort of salsa vinagrette or ranch salsa dressing. Or even just mix some guacamole with salsa and vinegar, and make that into a dressing. But that would not only take creativity, it would also take some mini tupperwares to store them in. I do not yet have that technology.

Closing In On 5

I am way too irritable today. I am having a hard time figuring out exactly what the cause of it is, but it's one of those days where I pretty much feel like yelling at people for bothering me. And since my job is about helping people, well, let's just say that wouldn't be a very good career move.

Teddy woke me up a few times in the middle of the night, making a lot of noise that sounds like an alarm, and I'm still not sure what that was about. He didn't seem particularly sick this morning but obviously I'm going to keep an eye on him (and possibly starting beating him more to get him to behave better, ha ha, or maybe enroll him in some after school activities). Then I got to work and it seemed like one damn thing after another. I guess that's typical Monday, but I have a hard time shaking it off.

So, MB has sort of wormed his way back into my life, and or consciousness. I don't really mean to imply he is a worm or anything. He sent me a very sincere apology which I accepted, and since then has been very friendly. It's clear he wants "something" from me, but it's not clear to me what I want. I've been both flirting with him and holding him at bay while I figure out what I want out of all of this. It's kind of like the roles have reversed here, and I'm not accustomed to being in this position with him. It's been about a year and a half, and my life has changed, my brain has changed. I'm not really sure how I feel about him anymore, if I feel anything. I guess I'll figure it out.

Thankfully, we are closing in on 5 PM.

Raining, Pouring, and Snoring

I had a dream last night that I was at work, and someone was annoying me, telling me to shut up. You know, in that way Anne Hathaway says it in the Princess Diaries. And, I said to the person, you can't talk to me like that, and got mad, and then my boss was there to comfort me. Only it wasn't my real boss, it was Dr House. And he comforted me by enveloping me in a hug, putting his arms around me, and kissing the top of my head and telling me it would all be all right. I woke up with that feeling of being safe, loved, and comforted. And in thinking about it, that's how I want to feel in a romantic relationship.

Instead, I have had a lot of random shit going on. Like good old MB crawling out of the woodwork. I was trying to find one post to refer to him, and I can't really find just one. He was someone I had something of a fling with in 2007. We spent some time together, talked a lot on the phone, at one point he was phoning me to tell me he was going to be out later so I wouldn't be waiting for him to call. And then, well, things went back and forth with him a lot, with him working out what he wanted, and eventually things just fell out. And he stopped writing me back, answering my emails, and was distant on the phone. So I took the hint and just stopped contacting him. I did check his website sometime in Spring 2008 and saw he got a new cat, so I wrote him to congratulate him, and heard nothing, and figured that was that.

Then he writes me out of the blue this week, basically a "oh did you send a message last month, it went to my spam?" I re-iterated that I wrote him last spring, and he kept writing me back to find out how I was. After a few exchanges, I stopped writing. But my thought in all this is seriously, what the fuck? Why is this guy who wanted nothing to do with me for over a year now suddenly talking to me again? He probably had something going on with someone else, that he did a disappearing act from, and wanted to see me again.

Similarly, I just got an IM from this guy that I talked to but never met in person when I was um, what, 27 or so? Anyway, every so often he writes me to see if I'm married, and flirts and flirts, but never comes up with some plan for us to actually meet. Last time, he told me that he thinks of me as this fantasy woman. I almost think at this point, actually meeting would probably not be good because of all the build-up.

I signed up for Chemistry and so far, well, I've not actually talked to anyone, have things in the works, hard to tell where they would/could lead. It's kind of like EHarmony only it seems slightly less structured, and the personality test is way more interesting. I am trying to be hopeful about it all. Out with the old, in with the new.



more animals

Big Yellow Teddy

For some reason, the song "Big Yellow Taxi" was in my head today. I don't know if I was somewhere, and it was playing, and then got stuck in my head. The funny thing is, when I get home and see the cats, and I start putting their names in the song. In this song, there is a thing about putting the trees in a tree museum, and I was thinking about Teddy, and how he'd probably setup a Teddy Museum and charge people just to see him. You'd pay extra for the Teddy special of him biting your arm or spreading his fur all over the rug. And you could take home a souvenir stuffed mouse that he pulled the tail out of.

Time Marches On, All Over Your Face

Yes, I know Facebook is an evil evil thing, a plague on all our lives. Not to mention, Fridays when there is nothing to do at work and I'm sitting here bored setting up profiles on dating sites. I was so bored, on Facebook, this morning, that I ended up writing the first guy I ever slept with. Yeah, those of you who have known me a while would know whom I'm talking about, and knowing the whole story, would ask why the hell I wrote him. Good question. This was someone who by turns verbally abused me, manipulated me, insulted me, treated me like crap, slept around, and broke my heart. Oh, and gave me crabs. (I was going to link to Wikipedia's page on that, but it's freaking disgusting. Don't click there, please.)

But writing him on Facebook, I'm saying that I don't give a shit about the past, don't expect him to apologize or give me the money he owes me (though I know if my mention it to my mom, she will ask about that). Because that was half of my life so far ago, and while it was totally horrid and traumatic and had lasting repercussions with my sanity, well... I'm happy now. I've dealt with it. I am not the same person.

And neither is he. Because he gained some weight and looks older than he is with grey hair. Whereas I look younger and more beautiful than ever. Thanks to that portrait in my garage.

Pulling Mussels from the Shell

When my mom got out of college, she did one of those year-long trips around Europe before coming back to California and getting a job. I think this was one of those formative things about her early life, because she talks about it a lot. When I was kid, especially, she would talk about it all the time. However, she didn't tell me about getting married to a Greek dude and having it annulled until I was graduating college. And just this week, she told me a new story about Spain.

She said that when she was in Barcelona with some friends, they ate some clams that they found on the beach, and she was sick for two weeks, so the whole time she was in Madrid, she was in the bathroom. I have a hard time picturing my mom doing that, but an even harder time thinking of myself doing something like that. I just would NEVER pick something off the ground and eat it. I wouldn't pick something out of the trash and eat it. I wouldn't eat something raw like that, ever. I don't even like clams and mussels because of the texture.

When I was talking to my mom about this, I kept saying, I would never do that. She asked me why I was just saying that over and over, and I think it was because I wasn't sure if she'd say, no, don't you remember when you were five, you ate blah off the ground? But it turns out, I never did that kind of thing that she could remember. (That award goes to my brother who ate a garden snail out of the backyard.) I think I've just always been the kind of person who wouldn't eat weird stuff off of the ground.

Little Things

I have all these little things that I keep meaning to blog about and I am sure if I don't type them out, I'm going to forget them.

• My French teacher from high school just added me as a friend on Facebook. I never really remembered her first name, just thought it was "Madame." We've exchanged some messages back and forth about French and Spanish (which I'm trying to learn for the upcoming trip to Spain). It's funny, but I didn't tell her that I never learned anything in her class and learned way more in college French. Of all the teachers that I learned little from, she is one of the least. The one I learned the least from was probably the gym teacher (they called our class "Body Dynamics"). I learned that I sucked at jumping rope.
  
• I got a message on OK Cupid from a new guy. I was thinking, oh cool, maybe some people are resolving to start out the new year with a new relationship, maybe I'll meet someone new. Then, I look at his message and he's a 21 year old guy looking for someone to have no-strings attached sex with. And he lives about 30 miles away. That's pretty much a triple-no.
• I taught my final training class at the humane society over the weekend. Soon, the class will be taught by employees, not volunteers. I was so exhausted that I came home and slept for a few hours. I later talked to my friend Dennis, and told him I took a nap. He said, for how long? I said, about three hours. He said that he had heard if you take a nap that lasts between 45 and 60 minutes, something bad happens. He wasn't sure what the something bad was. This sounded to me like a plot for a low-budget horror movie, something like The Ring, only about naps. He said, it would have to be done in Japan first and then an American director could rip it off. His suggested name was "Napu."
• I'm wearing a necklace that Susannah's mom made me for the holidays, and it really reminds me of radishes. But in a good way.
  

Therapy Nightmares

I was watching some episodes of Kitchen Nightmares on Comcast On Demand last night. There was one with this totally arrogant French chef who supposedly called Ramsey in to get help with his restaurant, and then just disregards most of what Ramsey says. Now, maybe not everyone wants to do it Ramsey's way, okay, but they had this stock room or walk-in fridge that was full of nasty moldy things, uncovered things sitting out, and all kinds of weird rotten stuff. Ramsey himself left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up (they showed the door closing and you heard the sound, reality TV, but not too disgustingly real). And the whole time, French chef keeps resisting and resisting the changes suggested, but he's smiling like "oh yeah I'm listening" and then turns around and reverts to his old ways. Finally at the end, he agrees to co-operate when he sees that all the customers actually like the new menu items.

The whole process was really reminding me of therapy. People go into therapy for help, because they know that they have a problem, that they aren't feeling happy or fulfilled, but that doesn't mean that we aren't totally resistant to change. I remember when I started going to my group, because a therapist suggested that there was a problem in my relationship, and I went, but I was also in denial that my relationship was the problem. It's just that I'm not good enough, I thought, or I'm not dealing with things, or I'm the problem. So I resisted things, but unlike the French chef by externalizing the problem, I internalized things and felt responsible for everything, every failure. It took a long time to see things in a more accurate, wider perspective, and realize that I wasn't really at fault, and that I have a right to deserve to be happy and work towards that happiness.

When It Rains, It Pours

Have you ever noticed when bad shit starts happening, it happens more? Like, someone famous dies, then a bunch of people die? They say it always happens in threes, but who knows.

My phone rang at 7:10 AM this morning, and it was my mom. I just knew it couldn't be good. So my grandmother is in the hospital, going to have surgery, and my mom was like, can you go there right now? Considering I'm about a 7 hour drive away and trying to get ready for work. I called my mom back and was like, well maybe tomorrow. She called me back and said my uncle is flying out so I don't have to go there yet. Basically, my grandmother has bad osteoporosis and needs spinal surgery, so there is no critical condition so much as she's in a lot of pain and this surgery can help her move better, however, any surgery is risky, particularly for a woman in her late 80s who has other issues caused by this. Anyway, not quite as bad as when I first heard about it, but it's still scary.

Then this woman who volunteers at the Humane Society just had a stroke. I just found out last month that she's 75, doesn't look or act it. I guess her doctor said that they were surprised she survived the stroke because her husband was out of town and no one found her until the next day. She's in the ICU now, hopefully will not have another stroke, and will take to rehab and get her freedom of movement back. She's such an active, vital person, hard to fathom her being ill. I don't really pray regularly, but I am thinking positive thoughts for her and thinking of her as being strong and healthy. She is one of those very giving people, and it hurts to think of her ailing.

Hrm, not much more to say on this. One day at a time.

Back To The Present

Wow, being back at work has been crazy. I have just been so busy. It didn't help that yesterday when I came in, my headset was no longer working. I am on the phone most of the day, and I wear my blue-tooth at work all the time because that way I can do other things, like type or wring my hands, while I'm on the phone. Anyway, the headset was disastrous, but my boss just gave me hers and threw my old one out. Then today, when I got into work, my computer hadn't automatically turned on. And I found out why, the power outlet where it plugs in was out. I managed to plug it in elsewhere, after some under desk wrangling. But this leads me to one conclusion, my cubicle is cursed. Please send a cubicle exorcist ASAP.

Other than the being busy, being back at work isn't that bad. I thought I would be more tired last night than I actually was, and I managed a Target run after work. Ever since I discovered that Target sells frozen meals way cheaper than Safeway, I've been there a lot more. The good thing is that I also buy cat litter when I'm there, so I won't run out. I just found this fabulous site in the last week, Heat Eat Review, which reviews all kinds of frozen meals. You can sort by WW points, ingredients, brands, etc. And the reviewers seem pretty damn savvy when it comes to frozen foods, like how annoying it is to have one of those that requires a long time on 50% power.

There is something kind of weird with January starting with already being on a diet, since so much advertising seems to be geared towards actually starting a diet. I haven't weighed in for a few weeks, and won't until Thursday. I feel like I stuck to things pretty well over the holidays, with the occasional extra-curricular eating like on Christmas Day when I had some Circus Animal cookies for lunch. And I feel like my jeans that I wear all the time are almost too baggy in a non-flattering way. Oh how lucky it is that I have jeans a size smaller. Ha ha. I don't know if lucky is the right word there, since those were the jeans I wore before I gained weight, but you know, it's better to have the right jeans that will fit now and not have to buy anything or to be going up in size.

The Most Charming Person in the Room

Teddy, modeling the new bed that I got the cats the day after Christmas. It was 20% off and matches my bedroom colors pretty well. And unlike most beds that I've gotten for them, they both seem to like this one and I've seen both of them napping there. Someone asked me, oh would both of your cats nap there together? Not in a million years. In a week and a half of being at home and watching their natural habits, well, I can tell you they both sleep a lot, but never near each other and not always in the same room unless I'm in there.

I'm sad to say that as of today, my vacation is over. This has really been a time of quiet reflection and lots of naps, and I will miss it. But I realize that I need to get back into making connections, being social, and making some effort to expand my social circle.

On New Year's Eve, I ended up going over to my neighbors' house, the ones I mentioned here. I was talking to the woman on Facebook about how I hadn't made any plans, so she invited me over for the last few minutes of the year. I got to sit with their weird guests and that that feeling again, of being the most charming and entertaining person in the room. Sometimes I can get that feeling when I'm teaching classes at the Humane Society or whatever, but this was just sitting around. And it made me think, why am I keeping my charming self so far out of the dating pool and denying all those new people a chance to get to know me.

I took Kiki to the vet today for her annual checkup, and she came up as perfect as usual. The only rough part is the fact that she cries the entire time in the car. I called my mom so she could hear the noise. Our old cat used to just kind of wail a long time without taking breaks, but Kiki is more of a bunch of little cries, with breaks in between. It's horrid how miserable it makes her, but like I tell her, she has to go to the vet anyway.