I'm heading off to the dentist in a few. I'm really hoping that it won't be a repeat of my last appointment, when they found some bacteria pockets in my mouth and had to do serious scraping. I have been flossing every day for two weeks, hopefully that helps. I also read I had PMS at my last appointment and I'm sure that didn't help anything, pain wise. I'm glad I got smart about doing these afternoon appointments so I don't have to go back into work. I also hate having to guess at how long an appointment will take, but with my anal boss, I have to do that. So I usually overestimate the time and then go out and get a frappucino or something, but after a dental appointment, an icy frozen drink is the last thing I want.
I did go to bed earlier last night, and consequently feel better rested today. I don't know if I feel "healthy, wealthy, and wise" but at least I don't feel like strangling customers with my phone cord today. Or yelling at strangers. That's good, right?
I told VF about my blog URL yesterday. I'm kind of regretting doing it because the more people who know me in real life, the less honest I can be here. But, I think I'm just going to say what I'm going to say anyway, and not think about people reading it. You can always look away, people. That's like when people bag on TV shows ... change the channel or turn it off. Admittedly, I do love watching TV shows and movies and sitting there bagging on them, but I'm a cynical individual.
My mission statement with this blog is to be honest. I know that honesty doesn't mean full disclosure, but I need to make sure my words are truthful. Truth may be something we all agree upon, or not, but this is my truth, for the moment anyway. Come back tomorrow, and it may have changed and you might read something different. And if you don't like it, hit the Back button.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Down The Rabbit Hole
I have just been feeling drained today, too much of a weekend dealing with random guys and their random issues. I think the topper was seeing my ex last night for a few minutes. He has aged. He just looked older to me. Also he was wearing his security guard uniform. He looked middle-aged, and not like the person that I lived with for four years. I just felt distant from him, from everyone. And yet, he hugged me and looked at me that same way, and I felt little for him. I guess it's that feeling of not being able to go back, even if I wanted to. Which I don't.
I was in a glum mood all morning, then I went outside at lunch and cried for ten minutes. And then I started feeling immediately better. It was like a weight had been lifted. The thing about that feeling was that I hit bottom with my emotions. (And as a side note, what is great is how bottom is no longer so bad for me as it used to be.) Once I hit the bottom, I realized that I still have myself, my sense of self, and my sense of whom I am. And nothing can really take that away. No matter how much bullshit comes from other people, I can still choose to not be bothered by it. Amen.
I have to admit, I'm also kind of groggy from staying up late talking to MB on the phone. As Heather said, not to be your mom, but you really should go to bed early and stop talking to guys on the phone. I'm just counting the minutes until I can be at home, asleep.
The 400 thread count sheets are pretty awesome, I have to say, though I kind of wish I had washed them a few more times before putting them on the bed. Kiki is quite happy with them. She goes in phases of where she sleeps, and lately she has been on the other side of the bed near the pillow when I wake up. It's very cute. There is a huge pile of her fur on the new sheets now. I'm used to Teddy coming onto the bed because he usually jumps on me in the morning to see when I'm waking up and giving him breakfast, but Kiki is more the type to sleep across the room.
I was in a glum mood all morning, then I went outside at lunch and cried for ten minutes. And then I started feeling immediately better. It was like a weight had been lifted. The thing about that feeling was that I hit bottom with my emotions. (And as a side note, what is great is how bottom is no longer so bad for me as it used to be.) Once I hit the bottom, I realized that I still have myself, my sense of self, and my sense of whom I am. And nothing can really take that away. No matter how much bullshit comes from other people, I can still choose to not be bothered by it. Amen.
I have to admit, I'm also kind of groggy from staying up late talking to MB on the phone. As Heather said, not to be your mom, but you really should go to bed early and stop talking to guys on the phone. I'm just counting the minutes until I can be at home, asleep.
The 400 thread count sheets are pretty awesome, I have to say, though I kind of wish I had washed them a few more times before putting them on the bed. Kiki is quite happy with them. She goes in phases of where she sleeps, and lately she has been on the other side of the bed near the pillow when I wake up. It's very cute. There is a huge pile of her fur on the new sheets now. I'm used to Teddy coming onto the bed because he usually jumps on me in the morning to see when I'm waking up and giving him breakfast, but Kiki is more the type to sleep across the room.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Hell Is Other People's Emotions
I have had a good three day weekend so far. I admit, it's been a mixed bag as far as dating, maybe because I met someone Friday and had a weird experience. I was talking to a friend of mine about how much better it would be if people came with warning labels, like "likes needy women" (MB) or "acts like he wants a commitment but doesn't" (VF). This guy I met on Friday, he said he wanted to have fun and enjoy himself, but when it came down to it, he was looking for "the one" and he poured some of his frustration with that out on me. I got to hear all about his problems, how no one he has ever dated was "right" and all that kind of thing. That's a lot to hear about when you first meet someone, someone you haven't really been talking to a long time. It was just weird. On one hand, I did feel sorry for him and wanted to listen to him, but I also felt very disconnected to him. I don't think pouring out your emotional frustrations with never finding the right partner is a way to connect to future partners. I just didn't know what to say. And when we parted, I felt sad, having to listen to all his emotional issues.
Saturday was a good day, and one of the first date free Saturdays I've had in a while. I did feel kind of drained from Friday, so I was dragging a little bit at the Humane Society, but I got to spend time with some really great cats. I know there are plenty of people who don't have pets, don't like pets, but to me, there is no substitute for the kind of love you get from a cat. They can be aloof, can be cranky, and all those bad things that cats are known for. But they can also be so sweet and so loving and so happy just to be pet and have someone with them. They definitely don't spend time bitching about how you aren't the right person, how they haven't met the right person. They live in the moment.
I had dinner with Susannah and her baby at Red Lobster. The service was slow, the meal was expensive, and it was still incredibly delicious. I had a glass of white wine, and I just felt very relaxed and refreshed. I am very lucky to have so many good friends in my life that I have known for years, and feel comfortable with them, and am able to talk about things without having to explain everything. And after dinner, we did a mad Target run where I bought a ton of crap for my house, including a set of 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.
I sound like I'm down about dating, a little bit, but I'm not really. I think I'm just a little worn out at the moment. And I am meeting someone for breakfast in about an hour, so I should hustle myself a little bit more, and actually do something with my hair, put on makeup, and my cute outfit. We don't always get the horse we want, but that doesn't mean we stop riding.
Saturday was a good day, and one of the first date free Saturdays I've had in a while. I did feel kind of drained from Friday, so I was dragging a little bit at the Humane Society, but I got to spend time with some really great cats. I know there are plenty of people who don't have pets, don't like pets, but to me, there is no substitute for the kind of love you get from a cat. They can be aloof, can be cranky, and all those bad things that cats are known for. But they can also be so sweet and so loving and so happy just to be pet and have someone with them. They definitely don't spend time bitching about how you aren't the right person, how they haven't met the right person. They live in the moment.
I had dinner with Susannah and her baby at Red Lobster. The service was slow, the meal was expensive, and it was still incredibly delicious. I had a glass of white wine, and I just felt very relaxed and refreshed. I am very lucky to have so many good friends in my life that I have known for years, and feel comfortable with them, and am able to talk about things without having to explain everything. And after dinner, we did a mad Target run where I bought a ton of crap for my house, including a set of 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.
I sound like I'm down about dating, a little bit, but I'm not really. I think I'm just a little worn out at the moment. And I am meeting someone for breakfast in about an hour, so I should hustle myself a little bit more, and actually do something with my hair, put on makeup, and my cute outfit. We don't always get the horse we want, but that doesn't mean we stop riding.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
It's My Friday!
I can't even say how freaking relieved I am to be taking tomorrow off work to hang out with Annie. It's amazing how a small thing like that is making a big difference. Admittedly, I'm also tired as hell because I was up on the phone until 11:30 again last night, talking to yet another guy. Who may or may not be worthy of a nickname - I'll have to get back to you on that one.
You are all right about VF and my entry yesterday. I really am starting to move into a place with him where I want nothing more than just to be friends with him, and definitely not a relationship. I mean come on, he's a Capricorn! That's got to be the worst Astrological match possible for me, a Gemini with a chart full of planets in Air and Fire. I can't tell you how many Capricorns I've had crushes on over the years, and how all of them have worked out so terribly. It's almost laughable, more than any other sign, I have one unrequited crush after another on them. And it always ends up being that we are totally incompatible. Remember Chris from college? His birthday is the day after VF's. As time goes on, VF and I will move into the friend zone, and all that jealousy will just be passing away. And also, I will set more boundaries with him about what I can and can't listen to.
That's a good thing, being able to set boundaries with him, being able to fix things where they are comfortable for me and I'm not getting all pushed out of shape. That was really a problem I had with Chris, and if I could have handled it, we would have been better friends. Then again, really, he was something of a sinking hole of issues, and still is, and it's probably fine that things worked out the way they did.
Speaking of sinking holes, MB is totally twisting himself into knots about some woman, and keeps telling me about it. He put his cat to sleep on Tuesday, so you'd think he'd be focused on that, but no, he's obsessed with some chick who treats him like shit. As Heather said, good thing I found that out before I got too involved with him. And good thing I'll be off IM for a while, so I won't have to be his sounding board as much. I do feel bad for him about his cat, I know how difficult something like that is to go through. But I can't get dragged down into his problems.
Oh, and in an amusing update, remember this post? About how my old roommate from years ago is now living nearby? Well, this morning I was going out to my car on my way to work, and he saw me, and I saw him. And he said "hi," so I said hi back. And then he said, "Fluffycat?" And I said, yup, like I was confused that he knew my name. And then he said, "it's me, old roommate. You live here? We are living right there." I said, oh wow, how are you doing? And he said, good. And I said, "cool, I'm doing well, heading off to work right now." And got in my car and drove off. So I guess the cat is out of the bag. I'm sure some real dialog will be forthcoming, and you can be sure I'll report it here. He actually sounded extremely happy to find me and talk to me, which was a little weird, since we didn't really part on good terms. I know for a lot of people, running into someone they haven't seen in a while is a fun experience. But for me, if I wanted to keep someone in my life, I would have made more effort to do so. There are only a few people in my life that I regret having lost touch with. Even then, there's only so much you can do.
I might very well have loads of free time this weekend, many possible dates that may or may not materialize. The thought of having a little bit of "me" time sounds pretty good to me. I could definitely do with a few good nights of sleep and some crashing out on the couch, reading novels and watching TV. Relaxation is a good thing.
You are all right about VF and my entry yesterday. I really am starting to move into a place with him where I want nothing more than just to be friends with him, and definitely not a relationship. I mean come on, he's a Capricorn! That's got to be the worst Astrological match possible for me, a Gemini with a chart full of planets in Air and Fire. I can't tell you how many Capricorns I've had crushes on over the years, and how all of them have worked out so terribly. It's almost laughable, more than any other sign, I have one unrequited crush after another on them. And it always ends up being that we are totally incompatible. Remember Chris from college? His birthday is the day after VF's. As time goes on, VF and I will move into the friend zone, and all that jealousy will just be passing away. And also, I will set more boundaries with him about what I can and can't listen to.
That's a good thing, being able to set boundaries with him, being able to fix things where they are comfortable for me and I'm not getting all pushed out of shape. That was really a problem I had with Chris, and if I could have handled it, we would have been better friends. Then again, really, he was something of a sinking hole of issues, and still is, and it's probably fine that things worked out the way they did.
Speaking of sinking holes, MB is totally twisting himself into knots about some woman, and keeps telling me about it. He put his cat to sleep on Tuesday, so you'd think he'd be focused on that, but no, he's obsessed with some chick who treats him like shit. As Heather said, good thing I found that out before I got too involved with him. And good thing I'll be off IM for a while, so I won't have to be his sounding board as much. I do feel bad for him about his cat, I know how difficult something like that is to go through. But I can't get dragged down into his problems.
Oh, and in an amusing update, remember this post? About how my old roommate from years ago is now living nearby? Well, this morning I was going out to my car on my way to work, and he saw me, and I saw him. And he said "hi," so I said hi back. And then he said, "Fluffycat?" And I said, yup, like I was confused that he knew my name. And then he said, "it's me, old roommate. You live here? We are living right there." I said, oh wow, how are you doing? And he said, good. And I said, "cool, I'm doing well, heading off to work right now." And got in my car and drove off. So I guess the cat is out of the bag. I'm sure some real dialog will be forthcoming, and you can be sure I'll report it here. He actually sounded extremely happy to find me and talk to me, which was a little weird, since we didn't really part on good terms. I know for a lot of people, running into someone they haven't seen in a while is a fun experience. But for me, if I wanted to keep someone in my life, I would have made more effort to do so. There are only a few people in my life that I regret having lost touch with. Even then, there's only so much you can do.
I might very well have loads of free time this weekend, many possible dates that may or may not materialize. The thought of having a little bit of "me" time sounds pretty good to me. I could definitely do with a few good nights of sleep and some crashing out on the couch, reading novels and watching TV. Relaxation is a good thing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Hey, Jealousy!
I am trying to get a handle on this jealousy thing. I'm going on dates with a lot of guys, meeting new guys all the time. I'm seeing some guys more than once. Some of them as friends, some it's a little more ambiguous. I try to be honest with everyone about where I am in my life, and how I feel. But then I find sometimes they are honest back with me, and I get a little bit jealous. Well, really the only one I feel that way about is VF. And I'm really working on it because I think it's not very productive. I like spending time with him, but I'm aware that he's not the right person for me, ultimately. For a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that he's in no state to settle with anyone. Oh, and he wants to move back to Baltimore. So I'm not sure why I was jealous yesterday when he started telling me about a woman he had a date with on Monday, and telling me about how he stayed over at her house.
The feeling of jealousy pushed me in a way, to analyze how I felt. And I realize that it brings up some of my own insecurities about myself, thinking that oh she must be prettier than me or thinner than me or just more "normal" than me or whatever. But I have no idea if she is any of those things, and even if she is, the problem is in my own head and my own self-view. Putting myself down in my mind is a destructive habit. As a habit, it comes naturally to me, a lot easier than looking at the situation from a more global sense. I don't know if I need to totally shrug off the feeling of jealousy, or just be aware of it and be okay with it. What VF (or any other guy) does with other people is no reflection on me.
I will say though, it's made me like VF a little bit less, and draw back from him a little. I definitely don't feel as attached to him now. I know he's a decent guy in a lot of ways, but it seems like he's a bit of an attention whore. (And I will say, it takes one to know one, because these days I'm kind of like that too.) And I'm not really sure that two attention whores are a good match in any way other than as casual friends who hang out every few weeks.
To some of my friends, I know it seems like I fall in love every few days. But I also fall out of love just as quickly. I think this is just a phase I'm going through, and I can imagine sometime in the not too distant future where it will start to bore me, and I'll be moving towards something more serious. But since I'm having fun now, I hope that doesn't happen too soon.
The feeling of jealousy pushed me in a way, to analyze how I felt. And I realize that it brings up some of my own insecurities about myself, thinking that oh she must be prettier than me or thinner than me or just more "normal" than me or whatever. But I have no idea if she is any of those things, and even if she is, the problem is in my own head and my own self-view. Putting myself down in my mind is a destructive habit. As a habit, it comes naturally to me, a lot easier than looking at the situation from a more global sense. I don't know if I need to totally shrug off the feeling of jealousy, or just be aware of it and be okay with it. What VF (or any other guy) does with other people is no reflection on me.
I will say though, it's made me like VF a little bit less, and draw back from him a little. I definitely don't feel as attached to him now. I know he's a decent guy in a lot of ways, but it seems like he's a bit of an attention whore. (And I will say, it takes one to know one, because these days I'm kind of like that too.) And I'm not really sure that two attention whores are a good match in any way other than as casual friends who hang out every few weeks.
To some of my friends, I know it seems like I fall in love every few days. But I also fall out of love just as quickly. I think this is just a phase I'm going through, and I can imagine sometime in the not too distant future where it will start to bore me, and I'll be moving towards something more serious. But since I'm having fun now, I hope that doesn't happen too soon.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sadness and Hope
Last week, MB and I were talking about one of his cats, who has not been eating. By the end of the week, his cat was not eating at all and they think he has FIP. They did some blood tests at the end of the week, and MB is supposed to hear back today. I know he doesn't have a lot of fans amongst my friends, but this is just horrible. He's had this cat for over a year, and is watching him waste away. I just feel so sorry for him. It's hard to lose a pet, particularly at a young age. I think about how I'd feel if anything like that happened to Kiki and Teddy... heartbroken.
I'm IMing with him right now to see if he wants someone to come with him to put his cat to sleep. I don't know if he really wants company, but that seems like one of those things that it's better not to do alone. I think sometimes people spend too much time trying to be strong, putting a brave face on, and sometimes it's better to just accept that you can't deal with everything on your own. But I have to remember that MB is an adult and can deal with stuff on him own if need be.
My ex, whom I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, called me today at work. Why do you think he called me? Well part of it was he wanted to borrow the new Harry Potter book, since he knew I'd be finished with it. Also he wanted to talk about what to do with feral cat at his part time job. And, probably just to chitchat. He misses me. Maybe. I don't know. He did want to see if he can get the HP book on Saturday. Uh, yeah, if I don't have a date.
I was groggy all day at work. I'm not sure why. Could be the margarita I had with dinner last night, but it also could just be that it was Monday and a long day at work. I'm thankful that it's a four-day workweek for me because Annie is coming into town Thursday night. We have been talking more about our trip to Europe, and I think we're going to have dinner at a French restaurant at Santana Row in preparation.
I'm IMing with him right now to see if he wants someone to come with him to put his cat to sleep. I don't know if he really wants company, but that seems like one of those things that it's better not to do alone. I think sometimes people spend too much time trying to be strong, putting a brave face on, and sometimes it's better to just accept that you can't deal with everything on your own. But I have to remember that MB is an adult and can deal with stuff on him own if need be.
My ex, whom I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, called me today at work. Why do you think he called me? Well part of it was he wanted to borrow the new Harry Potter book, since he knew I'd be finished with it. Also he wanted to talk about what to do with feral cat at his part time job. And, probably just to chitchat. He misses me. Maybe. I don't know. He did want to see if he can get the HP book on Saturday. Uh, yeah, if I don't have a date.
I was groggy all day at work. I'm not sure why. Could be the margarita I had with dinner last night, but it also could just be that it was Monday and a long day at work. I'm thankful that it's a four-day workweek for me because Annie is coming into town Thursday night. We have been talking more about our trip to Europe, and I think we're going to have dinner at a French restaurant at Santana Row in preparation.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Flowers
I got this bouquet at Costco when I got Harry Potter 7. I love these lilies, they always smell amazing.
VF and I went to the Rose Garden in San Jose to test out his new camera, and I snapped a few as well. I love the roses with a variety of colors in a single rose.
There was just this huge gigantic bush with tons of red flowers on it. I didn't get any great photos that show quite the beauty of the bush, but you can at least get an idea of the color from this photo.
VF and I are both pretty geeky, and I was taking a photo of him snapping another picture, and he looked up and I took this one as he took one of me. I feel a little bit bad posting a photo of him here, when I haven't given him the blog address or anything, but it's too funny not to put up here.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Let There Be Music
My friend Annie told me about this free online radio station, Pandora Radio, last week. It's pretty much the coolest online radio I've ever seen. How it works is you put in a band or a song you like, and Pandora builds you a radio station based around that style. Then you can use the Quick Mix feature to have it mix all your stations. Thus far, I have the station Annie sent me, plus stations for Cute Is What We Aim For, Blue October, Iggy Pop, Velvet Underground, Nirvana, The Clash, Billy Bragg, New Order, The Fall, Cold, The Pogues, Kate Bush, and Hole. I don't know if I would say that those are all my favorite bands, but the mix of music ends up pretty diverse and interesting. I am having a really good time with it and occasionally adding new stations. You can also rate every song, and if you give it a thumbs down, it says it will never play that song again. There is also an option to have it not play the song for a month. And it isn't just playing the hot singles from the new artists, but plays a mix of their music.
In case anyone is interested, some updates on the men situation. BB wrote me and sort if is blowing me off, while he's working stuff out. I didn't really see him as anything other than a friend anyway, so that's fine. HtL, not sure what is going on there, but I'm not stressing it one way or another. We keep having these brief conversations, nothing like we had before we met. RG is still out of town, as is TG. MB has been the most surprising since we're kind of working out a FWB thing which is actually working out well for both of us. But with MB, who knows how long that is going to last. And I've talked to VF almost every day. While we're both in the same space of dating other people, he was seeing fit to tell me about his other women in great detail. I got pretty annoyed last night, and we had it out over the phone, and it ended up being resolved smoothly. This whole casual dating thing is pretty new to me, and I'm figuring out my boundaries with all of it.
It's going to be a moderately calm weekend. I only have one date with a new guy on Saturday night, and that's just for coffee. I will probably be seeing VF on Sunday. I don't know if I said this about him before, but I don't remember laughing as hard with anyone I'd just met as with him. Even though we don't mesh on all levels, and I don't have the same kind of conversations I have with say, RG, I had a really good time with VF, and I have a good time most of the time when I talk to him. We'll see what develops.
In case anyone is interested, some updates on the men situation. BB wrote me and sort if is blowing me off, while he's working stuff out. I didn't really see him as anything other than a friend anyway, so that's fine. HtL, not sure what is going on there, but I'm not stressing it one way or another. We keep having these brief conversations, nothing like we had before we met. RG is still out of town, as is TG. MB has been the most surprising since we're kind of working out a FWB thing which is actually working out well for both of us. But with MB, who knows how long that is going to last. And I've talked to VF almost every day. While we're both in the same space of dating other people, he was seeing fit to tell me about his other women in great detail. I got pretty annoyed last night, and we had it out over the phone, and it ended up being resolved smoothly. This whole casual dating thing is pretty new to me, and I'm figuring out my boundaries with all of it.
It's going to be a moderately calm weekend. I only have one date with a new guy on Saturday night, and that's just for coffee. I will probably be seeing VF on Sunday. I don't know if I said this about him before, but I don't remember laughing as hard with anyone I'd just met as with him. Even though we don't mesh on all levels, and I don't have the same kind of conversations I have with say, RG, I had a really good time with VF, and I have a good time most of the time when I talk to him. We'll see what develops.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
8 Things Meme from BWB
BitchWhoBlogs tagged me with this meme, so here I am, doing it.
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Eight Random Things or Habits:
- I have to have coffee before I leave the house. My morning routine doesn't vary that much, but the couple of cups of coffee is essential. Lately I've been digging dark dark roasts from Trader Joe's.
- Punctuality is extremely important to me because I come from a family of people who always arrive late, and it always irritated the crap out of me.
- I am a lightweight drinker, and if I have more than a glass of wine, I get pretty screwed up. I had one glass of red wine last night, and I'm pretty hungover today. That sucks. I used to have a way higher alcohol tolerance in college. I think this comes from having a couple of long term relationships with non-drinkers, so I didn't drink as much for most of my post-college life. The only real exception to this is vodka, and I seem to be able to drink large amounts of that. Especially screwdrivers, which are essentially a health food because they have orange juice in them.
- I've been going to my therapy group for almost two years on Wednesday nights, and last night my leader just told us we are moving to Tuesday nights in a few months. Sometimes I struggle with change particularly in regards to my therapeutic process, but this seems totally neutral to me. I have no desire to switch groups or find something on Wednesday night instead.
- I can't figure out where I stand on this crazy dating thing I'm doing. Sometimes I just think I'm so tired of it, but sometimes I love meeting new people, getting attention from men, seeing where things go. Right now, I have all these things going on that could be really interesting, or they could develop into nothing. Not knowing how things will play out does disturb me a lot, but it's also kind of cool as well.
- I spend way too much time checking my gmail account, and checking my various dating mailboxes, but I haven't checked my eHarmony account for about a week. I really should at least go in there and check the messages. I am probably checking gmail at least every 30 minutes to see if I got any new messages from men.
- Although I very rarely take it, I love public transportation because it's a great opportunity to sit and read without interruptions.
- For some reason this summer, I've been thinking a lot about summers of my past. Like how I used to go to day camp, the songs we'd sing, the arts and crafts. I don't know if I'd exactly say I was nostalgic for it, but I have fond recollections. Yesterday, I walked through the grass outside my office building in my thong sandals, and the feeling of having the damp grass under my feet totally took me back. For a minute, I felt like all the intervening years hadn't even happened.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Next Three Hundred
Hello,
This is my 301st post. Wow. Who would have known starting out all the changes that happened in my life? Like getting a second cat. Or moving apartments. Or breaking up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. Or getting to meet one of the bloggers on my links on the right. Not to mention how many times I've fallen in love with guys recently (see the entries of the last month, and laugh at me, dear readers). Going from being in a long-term, soul-sucking relationship to being free has probably been one of the greatest changes, but there are others too. Like going back into Weight Watchers because of reading about Tami and BWB's experiences. Or reading someone who is happily married and that giving me faith that some day, I might find someone I am happy with. Or reading the blog of a nice guy and realizing that they are in fact out there somewhere.
When I started this blog, I dedicated it to making changes in my life, to progressing. I've definitely done a lot of that, and I continue to think there is more to do. When I was younger, I always thought that change had to come from destruction. You had to burn it all down and rise from the ashes like a phoenix. It's only as I get older that I realize that it doesn't have to be that way. You can start off small. Eat a piece of fruit a day. Say something nice to a total stranger. Practice what you preach to others. Be gentle with yourself. And be honest with others.
This blog more than anything has been an exercise in honesty for me. I know I don't tell everything here, but I definitely am 100% honest here. And I do feel that is so important for me, since I've spent so many years trying to be "nice" and trying to not upset people, not make waves, and not speak my mind. Trying to be a "good" girl and hope people will like me better. But as I get older, I realize that more importantly, I have to like myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on medication, scraping by and trying to deal with being depressed and repressing my emotions. I want to face my problems head on. One day at a time, one blog entry at a time, until the days become months, years, and I've written over three hundred blog entries. Here's looking to the next three hundred.
- the blogger known as Fluffy Cat
This is my 301st post. Wow. Who would have known starting out all the changes that happened in my life? Like getting a second cat. Or moving apartments. Or breaking up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. Or getting to meet one of the bloggers on my links on the right. Not to mention how many times I've fallen in love with guys recently (see the entries of the last month, and laugh at me, dear readers). Going from being in a long-term, soul-sucking relationship to being free has probably been one of the greatest changes, but there are others too. Like going back into Weight Watchers because of reading about Tami and BWB's experiences. Or reading someone who is happily married and that giving me faith that some day, I might find someone I am happy with. Or reading the blog of a nice guy and realizing that they are in fact out there somewhere.
When I started this blog, I dedicated it to making changes in my life, to progressing. I've definitely done a lot of that, and I continue to think there is more to do. When I was younger, I always thought that change had to come from destruction. You had to burn it all down and rise from the ashes like a phoenix. It's only as I get older that I realize that it doesn't have to be that way. You can start off small. Eat a piece of fruit a day. Say something nice to a total stranger. Practice what you preach to others. Be gentle with yourself. And be honest with others.
This blog more than anything has been an exercise in honesty for me. I know I don't tell everything here, but I definitely am 100% honest here. And I do feel that is so important for me, since I've spent so many years trying to be "nice" and trying to not upset people, not make waves, and not speak my mind. Trying to be a "good" girl and hope people will like me better. But as I get older, I realize that more importantly, I have to like myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on medication, scraping by and trying to deal with being depressed and repressing my emotions. I want to face my problems head on. One day at a time, one blog entry at a time, until the days become months, years, and I've written over three hundred blog entries. Here's looking to the next three hundred.
- the blogger known as Fluffy Cat
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Maudlin Monday, Maybe
So I've been talking to VF all day, and I'm not at all clear what he wants out of this whole thing. I have been thinking a lot about instinct of wanting to settle right away, wanting to figure out things right away. And I can admit, I'm like that. I want to pounce on things right away and figure out exactly where they are and where they are going. I probably would be better served with an arranged marriage, ha ha.
Dagny asked me how I was doing with eHarmony, and I realized I haven't writing much about it. Oh yeah, the reason I haven't is because I have had almost no interest in it. I really need to login and check some of the emails. The problem is that no one has really sparked my fancy or curiosity, and the few conversations I've actually had with men (once you get past the seven stages of courtship or whatever cheesy thing they call it) have been pretty banal. Nothing with that spark that makes someone really interesting to me. And without that spark, I don't even feel like moving forward.
------
I wrote that yesterday when I was feeling kind of low, and now I'm feeling fine. What a difference a day makes. I think talking to VF all day wasn't really constructive, because I'm not sure where it is going, and I don't want to make myself so available and vulnerable to him. I need to set more boundaries with him. And probably with other men too. But I think especially with a guy I like. It's my tendency to offer too much, too fast, and that makes me seem too available.
The weather here has been wonderful, perfectly sunny and warm, but not too hot, with a little wind. Yesterday, my coworker was out for the sixth day in a row, so my boss took me out to lunch at this local burrito place. It was a really nice walk over there. Hanging out with my boss, well that's a little weird. She's about as conventional as a person can be, homeowner, two kids, picket fence, etc. What we have in common could probably fit on the head of a pin. But I find I can talk to almost anyone. I definitely wanted to do a G version of my dating stories though (and remember, I am for PG or PG-13 for this blog, just imagine how the G version is). They say there is no such thing as a free lunch, which is probably true, but I didn't have to pay for my food yesterday.
I woke up today feeling great, with a larger sense of my self, and a security that comes from making a decision about the way things are progressing with my life.
Dagny asked me how I was doing with eHarmony, and I realized I haven't writing much about it. Oh yeah, the reason I haven't is because I have had almost no interest in it. I really need to login and check some of the emails. The problem is that no one has really sparked my fancy or curiosity, and the few conversations I've actually had with men (once you get past the seven stages of courtship or whatever cheesy thing they call it) have been pretty banal. Nothing with that spark that makes someone really interesting to me. And without that spark, I don't even feel like moving forward.
------
I wrote that yesterday when I was feeling kind of low, and now I'm feeling fine. What a difference a day makes. I think talking to VF all day wasn't really constructive, because I'm not sure where it is going, and I don't want to make myself so available and vulnerable to him. I need to set more boundaries with him. And probably with other men too. But I think especially with a guy I like. It's my tendency to offer too much, too fast, and that makes me seem too available.
The weather here has been wonderful, perfectly sunny and warm, but not too hot, with a little wind. Yesterday, my coworker was out for the sixth day in a row, so my boss took me out to lunch at this local burrito place. It was a really nice walk over there. Hanging out with my boss, well that's a little weird. She's about as conventional as a person can be, homeowner, two kids, picket fence, etc. What we have in common could probably fit on the head of a pin. But I find I can talk to almost anyone. I definitely wanted to do a G version of my dating stories though (and remember, I am for PG or PG-13 for this blog, just imagine how the G version is). They say there is no such thing as a free lunch, which is probably true, but I didn't have to pay for my food yesterday.
I woke up today feeling great, with a larger sense of my self, and a security that comes from making a decision about the way things are progressing with my life.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Monterey & Berkeley
This photo pretty much speaks for itself.
I'm not a great photographer, and it's hard to get shades of gray, but this single sailboat on the water looked really cool.
I was stuck in some mild traffic, driving into Berkeley and saw this cool row of houses next to the freeway. It was such a clear day, could totally see the hills in the background.
What I Want
I usually title my posts after I write them, unless I have a specific funny title in mind. But I wrote the title of this first, maybe because I'd like to answer the question. And I am not sure if I can, or if I'm ready to. I feel both like I am ready to fall in love again, right away, be in a committed relationship, and also that I just want to play the field, meet people, not settle down, and more importantly, NOT SETTLE. Because that's what I've been doing most of the time, dating people who really weren't right for me, really weren't good for me, really weren't of a high enough caliber for me. Not to toot my horn or come off as an egotistical monster, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I'm smart, sexy, and funny, a great trifecta for attracting someone. And I need to be with someone who can meet me on all of those levels. But I need other things to, to be treated with respect, to be honored, perhaps worshiped at times, and perhaps most importantly, to feel understood.
I realize that I have a characteristic, that I want to have things resolved right away, want to know where things are going right away... I realized this after hanging out with VF. We are similar in a lot of ways, but he is the opposite. He likes the ambiguity. I decided in ten minutes that I liked him, that I was attracted to him. It took him a lot longer in some ways, and we spent a lot of time just talking last night about it. In any case, even if it goes nowhere and we never talk again, I learned that about myself. That I'm too quick to jump into the easy resolution, the quick solution, the naming and labeling of something new right away. I told my friend Dennis once that I tend to see someone with rose-colored glasses when I fall in love with them, but I also think it's more and less complicated than that. I make up my mind right away and then I stick to it. Which can be bad, meaning I'm making a decision without putting a lot of time into it, without really going through a good decision making process. And because I'm stubborn, I would stick to these bad decisions sometimes.
I need to hit the shower and head up to Berkeley.
I realize that I have a characteristic, that I want to have things resolved right away, want to know where things are going right away... I realized this after hanging out with VF. We are similar in a lot of ways, but he is the opposite. He likes the ambiguity. I decided in ten minutes that I liked him, that I was attracted to him. It took him a lot longer in some ways, and we spent a lot of time just talking last night about it. In any case, even if it goes nowhere and we never talk again, I learned that about myself. That I'm too quick to jump into the easy resolution, the quick solution, the naming and labeling of something new right away. I told my friend Dennis once that I tend to see someone with rose-colored glasses when I fall in love with them, but I also think it's more and less complicated than that. I make up my mind right away and then I stick to it. Which can be bad, meaning I'm making a decision without putting a lot of time into it, without really going through a good decision making process. And because I'm stubborn, I would stick to these bad decisions sometimes.
I need to hit the shower and head up to Berkeley.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Random Notes For Friday
I hope you are as relieved that it's Friday that I am, because I would like to wish this happiness on everyone in the world. This week has been the workweek from HELL in a lot of ways, and I'm sure as shit glad that it's over. And yes, my coworker has been out all week, for those of you keeping score at home. Asshat! My boss left me a coupon for a free Round Table Pizza in appreciation for working hard on Tuesday. Which is nice, but yeah, cash would have been better.
My date last night was a total dud. The only good thing was that we went to this cool neighborhood place, Aqui, that I hadn't been to in a while. Oh yeah, and whenever I went with the ex, he always ordered my favorite thing, and I didn't want to be one of "those" couples where both parties order the exact same thing, so I would order something else. And last night, I ordered my favorite thing. That's as good a metaphor as any, able to eat my favorite burrito in peace. Admittedly, I would have wished for more interesting company, or just done take-out and eaten at home, but it wasn't that bad.
Then Saturday, I have my date with Velvet Fog, formerly Commitment Guy. I'm calling him VF because I talked to him on the phone last night, and he has one of those voices that sounds like velvet. Just the sort of voice you want to wrap around yourself. Then on Sunday, I'm going up to Berkeley to meet BB. That should be cool. Busy weekend.
I was supposed to have to do training tomorrow morning at the Humane Society, but I just found out that only one person was going to show up for the class, so they are going to reschedule it. Which means I can sleep a little bit later than I had planned on. Very good.
My date last night was a total dud. The only good thing was that we went to this cool neighborhood place, Aqui, that I hadn't been to in a while. Oh yeah, and whenever I went with the ex, he always ordered my favorite thing, and I didn't want to be one of "those" couples where both parties order the exact same thing, so I would order something else. And last night, I ordered my favorite thing. That's as good a metaphor as any, able to eat my favorite burrito in peace. Admittedly, I would have wished for more interesting company, or just done take-out and eaten at home, but it wasn't that bad.
Then Saturday, I have my date with Velvet Fog, formerly Commitment Guy. I'm calling him VF because I talked to him on the phone last night, and he has one of those voices that sounds like velvet. Just the sort of voice you want to wrap around yourself. Then on Sunday, I'm going up to Berkeley to meet BB. That should be cool. Busy weekend.
I was supposed to have to do training tomorrow morning at the Humane Society, but I just found out that only one person was going to show up for the class, so they are going to reschedule it. Which means I can sleep a little bit later than I had planned on. Very good.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Blue Period
I'm not sure why, but I've been doing a kind of slow burn today. I just feel full of angst of various sorts, and I feel out of sorts, and I'm really not sure why. I had a great night at therapy last night. I got to tell my MB story, and my therapist identified my MB fascination as me being in the habit of "rescuing" a neurotic guy, and reminded me that is just a habit and I don't need to do it. Then someone in the group gave me one of the greater compliments I ever got. She said that I have a way of cutting to the heart of a matter that is really helpful for problem solving. She said it better than that, but it was a really great feeling to feel like I'm helping people, like I'm good at problem solving, etc. I got home feeling buzzed, and called both RG and BB (the former to chitchat and wish him a good trip, the latter to setup plans for Sunday). And I went to bed at a decent hour.
So why am I feeling weird today? I guess a couple of things. Even recognizing the situation with MB and horribly doomed and destructive to me personally, I am still thinking about it a little bit. I talked to him a little bit last night, which I probably shouldn't have. I was kind of giving him a hard time, but to someone that emotionally masochistic, that's almost what he wants. I feel like I still want something from him, and I'm not really sure what. But whatever it is, I don't think I'm going to get it. And not just because he's so screwed up, but because when someone mistreats you several times and then apologizes, it doesn't mean that much. The ex tried to do that, after I kicked him out, and it meant nothing. I'm glad he recognized what he did, but that doesn't help me very much.
I'm minorly stressed because I sent HtL an IM yesterday and he hasn't written me back, even though I saw him online. But then again, if he blows me off, whatever. I'd obviously like to spend more time with him, but there are plenty of other fish out there in the sea. And it's probably better not to get too attached to someone who is that commitment phobic. Though right now I'm talking to a new guy whom I would say is Commitment Guy (CG), because he really seems to want that, even though he's not too far out of a divorce. And while I appreciate getting to know someone, the thought of jumping into anything serious scares the crap out of me.
Today is the three-month anniversary of me breaking up with the ex. Next month would have been our five-year anniversary. But it's not. It's hard to say how good that makes me feel. I might be having a blue day today, but I know I can go home and be myself. The thing about all this dating I'm doing, I'm trying more than anything to just be myself and do what I want to do with my life, and be happy with whom I am. And for the most part, it's working.
So why am I feeling weird today? I guess a couple of things. Even recognizing the situation with MB and horribly doomed and destructive to me personally, I am still thinking about it a little bit. I talked to him a little bit last night, which I probably shouldn't have. I was kind of giving him a hard time, but to someone that emotionally masochistic, that's almost what he wants. I feel like I still want something from him, and I'm not really sure what. But whatever it is, I don't think I'm going to get it. And not just because he's so screwed up, but because when someone mistreats you several times and then apologizes, it doesn't mean that much. The ex tried to do that, after I kicked him out, and it meant nothing. I'm glad he recognized what he did, but that doesn't help me very much.
I'm minorly stressed because I sent HtL an IM yesterday and he hasn't written me back, even though I saw him online. But then again, if he blows me off, whatever. I'd obviously like to spend more time with him, but there are plenty of other fish out there in the sea. And it's probably better not to get too attached to someone who is that commitment phobic. Though right now I'm talking to a new guy whom I would say is Commitment Guy (CG), because he really seems to want that, even though he's not too far out of a divorce. And while I appreciate getting to know someone, the thought of jumping into anything serious scares the crap out of me.
Today is the three-month anniversary of me breaking up with the ex. Next month would have been our five-year anniversary. But it's not. It's hard to say how good that makes me feel. I might be having a blue day today, but I know I can go home and be myself. The thing about all this dating I'm doing, I'm trying more than anything to just be myself and do what I want to do with my life, and be happy with whom I am. And for the most part, it's working.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Down, But Not Forgotten
Yesterday was one of the longest days at work. Both my slacky coworker and my boss have been out all week. Our internet access was down ALL day, other than a brief 10-15 minute time in the middle of the day. That was no music, no IM, no celebrity gossip, no lolcats, and no gmail, for a whole day at work. Not to mention that every single person here had to call and bitch at me because I work in IT. Uh, if I could fix the internet, I wouldn't be answering the phone. I would be fixing the internet access. I can't tell you how tempted I was to slink away and go home where I knew my internet was working. Or how glad I am to finally have working internet and catch up with stuff. Not to mention it's fun to be at work and not be yelled at all day.
My meeting with HtL was in a word, HOT. He is hot. On paper, he is totally the kind of man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Handsome, sexy, successful, world-traveled, adventurous, tall (six-three), athletic, and secure. Oh yeah, did I mention sexy? But alas, he is pretty commitment phobic. Oh yeah, and don't forget that I'm pretty commitment phobic too. So we had a good time together, will probably have more good times together, but I don't see this as becoming anything super-serious. Then again, unlike most guys I have met, he did contact me the next day to say he had a great time. And despite his profile lying, he has been 100% honest with me about whom he is and what he wants. And there is some great overlap there.
Thus far, I have a date on Thursday, date on Saturday, and a date with BB on Sunday. I am not sure if any of the others deserve nicknames yet. Keeping busy. I have to do the early-morning training at the Humane Society on Saturday, so I am definitely going to keep Friday as an early night.
Last night, I had dinner with Susannah and her son, who is now learning how to scream really loudly. I see a great career as either an opera star or perhaps gigolo for him, because everywhere he goes, women seem to swoon. He will not be lacking for female attention, I don't think. We had a ginormous dinner at Cheesecake Factory, and I ordered something way too fatty. I think it was definitely a result of having the day from hell.
My meeting with HtL was in a word, HOT. He is hot. On paper, he is totally the kind of man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Handsome, sexy, successful, world-traveled, adventurous, tall (six-three), athletic, and secure. Oh yeah, did I mention sexy? But alas, he is pretty commitment phobic. Oh yeah, and don't forget that I'm pretty commitment phobic too. So we had a good time together, will probably have more good times together, but I don't see this as becoming anything super-serious. Then again, unlike most guys I have met, he did contact me the next day to say he had a great time. And despite his profile lying, he has been 100% honest with me about whom he is and what he wants. And there is some great overlap there.
Thus far, I have a date on Thursday, date on Saturday, and a date with BB on Sunday. I am not sure if any of the others deserve nicknames yet. Keeping busy. I have to do the early-morning training at the Humane Society on Saturday, so I am definitely going to keep Friday as an early night.
Last night, I had dinner with Susannah and her son, who is now learning how to scream really loudly. I see a great career as either an opera star or perhaps gigolo for him, because everywhere he goes, women seem to swoon. He will not be lacking for female attention, I don't think. We had a ginormous dinner at Cheesecake Factory, and I ordered something way too fatty. I think it was definitely a result of having the day from hell.
Monday, July 09, 2007
It's Not Me, It's You
I was thinking that would be a great line to give a guy. Oh no, it's not anything wrong with me, you just aren't good enough for me. This would be great to tell MB, who was trying to flirt with me online last night. Uh, okay. I could use more friends, but not more friends who are romantically unstable to the nth degree. I just have to remember that no matter how attractive I find him physically, the emotional maelstrom is too much for me.
Had a really good weekend. Saturday, Heather and family had a pig-picking type BBQ. I ate a ton of pork. Probably will not be allowed in Orthodox Jewish Heaven, but I wasn't thinking I was going to end up there anyway, so oh well. I had to take a shower when I got home because I smelled like BBQ pork was coming out of my pores. It might still be. All and all, not a bad scent.
My date with RG was fabulous in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that I really like about him. He's so smart and quick-witted. He's funny and laughs at all of my jokes. He's extremely well-read. Oh yeah, and he paid for us when we went to breakfast at IHOP with a "of course I'm going to pay for you." (Yes, I know, my third IHOP trip in six weeks, not really conducive to weight loss, but damn don't they have the best hash browns ever.) Oh yeah, and he totally appreciates me, and gets me on many levels. And he's emotionally stable (which after spending any time around MB, I really appreciate).
The flip side of that is that he might be emotionally cold. Okay, I know he really likes me. But he's not sounding like he's ready for a serious commitment anytime soon, if ever. He's 44, and hasn't been married and hasn't been in a super serious relationship in a long time. We talked about love a little bit yesterday. One thing he did say was that he was with one woman he really loved, and he screwed it up. (Wow, a man who admits he did something wrong in a relationship. Be still my beating heart.) He's going to be busy the next few weekends, and was saying, yeah see you in a month, have fun with other guys. Which is cool, for now. But maybe some day, I'll go back to being a one-man woman, and I'm not sure he wants that. Also, he lives pretty far from me, like an hour. And he is the pickiest eater I've ever met. He eats almost nothing, including he doesn't eat pancakes, French toast, or waffles. Seriously. He doesn't eat any kind of "foreign" food at all, including Indian, Asian, French, and Italian (except for pepperoni pizza). And the few foods he does eat, well, they are okay but I can't live on burgers, BBQ, and steaks with occasional tacos thrown in there. Oh and he eats a cheese sandwich every day for lunch. He said he's trying to mix it up by varying the cheeses a little, cheddar one day, Monterey jack the next.
Even if you don't know me and my eating habits, the fact is that I eat everything, like everything, I'll just say that I would probably eat a different cuisine every day of the week. I get too bored with food monotony. I love trying new things, new tastes. I am a creature of variety, never liking to eat the same thing two days in a row. Even the salads I bring to work, I have to get five different flavors, one for every day of the week. I can't imagine long term, living with someone who wants to eat the same stuff every day. Even if say, I'm going out with friends, eating stuff on my own... it's way too boring to not be able to share food with my boyfriend. My ex, for all his faults, loved trying new cuisines. I got him really into Thai food. And there is nothing worse if you are trying to lose weight, and you eat the same crap day after day. That's just a pathway into going crazy and eating a whole cake.
RG has a couple of divergent hobbies from me. He's really into hiking and camping, and also into watching sports (hockey and football). I might like hockey, never having seen a game before, but I know I hate having to watch football on TV. Then again, that's a good time to take a nap or read a book. I don't mind divergent hobbies to some degree, because time apart is really necessary and really good. I definitely have plenty of hobbies and friends myself, and appreciate having the free time from a relationship to see them. I like that RG is going on a hiking trip with a friend of his in a week, get all that hiking and camping out of his system, ha ha. What do you all think about divergent hobbies and relationships?
Oh in other news, I'm meeting HtL tonight for coffee.
Had a really good weekend. Saturday, Heather and family had a pig-picking type BBQ. I ate a ton of pork. Probably will not be allowed in Orthodox Jewish Heaven, but I wasn't thinking I was going to end up there anyway, so oh well. I had to take a shower when I got home because I smelled like BBQ pork was coming out of my pores. It might still be. All and all, not a bad scent.
My date with RG was fabulous in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that I really like about him. He's so smart and quick-witted. He's funny and laughs at all of my jokes. He's extremely well-read. Oh yeah, and he paid for us when we went to breakfast at IHOP with a "of course I'm going to pay for you." (Yes, I know, my third IHOP trip in six weeks, not really conducive to weight loss, but damn don't they have the best hash browns ever.) Oh yeah, and he totally appreciates me, and gets me on many levels. And he's emotionally stable (which after spending any time around MB, I really appreciate).
The flip side of that is that he might be emotionally cold. Okay, I know he really likes me. But he's not sounding like he's ready for a serious commitment anytime soon, if ever. He's 44, and hasn't been married and hasn't been in a super serious relationship in a long time. We talked about love a little bit yesterday. One thing he did say was that he was with one woman he really loved, and he screwed it up. (Wow, a man who admits he did something wrong in a relationship. Be still my beating heart.) He's going to be busy the next few weekends, and was saying, yeah see you in a month, have fun with other guys. Which is cool, for now. But maybe some day, I'll go back to being a one-man woman, and I'm not sure he wants that. Also, he lives pretty far from me, like an hour. And he is the pickiest eater I've ever met. He eats almost nothing, including he doesn't eat pancakes, French toast, or waffles. Seriously. He doesn't eat any kind of "foreign" food at all, including Indian, Asian, French, and Italian (except for pepperoni pizza). And the few foods he does eat, well, they are okay but I can't live on burgers, BBQ, and steaks with occasional tacos thrown in there. Oh and he eats a cheese sandwich every day for lunch. He said he's trying to mix it up by varying the cheeses a little, cheddar one day, Monterey jack the next.
Even if you don't know me and my eating habits, the fact is that I eat everything, like everything, I'll just say that I would probably eat a different cuisine every day of the week. I get too bored with food monotony. I love trying new things, new tastes. I am a creature of variety, never liking to eat the same thing two days in a row. Even the salads I bring to work, I have to get five different flavors, one for every day of the week. I can't imagine long term, living with someone who wants to eat the same stuff every day. Even if say, I'm going out with friends, eating stuff on my own... it's way too boring to not be able to share food with my boyfriend. My ex, for all his faults, loved trying new cuisines. I got him really into Thai food. And there is nothing worse if you are trying to lose weight, and you eat the same crap day after day. That's just a pathway into going crazy and eating a whole cake.
RG has a couple of divergent hobbies from me. He's really into hiking and camping, and also into watching sports (hockey and football). I might like hockey, never having seen a game before, but I know I hate having to watch football on TV. Then again, that's a good time to take a nap or read a book. I don't mind divergent hobbies to some degree, because time apart is really necessary and really good. I definitely have plenty of hobbies and friends myself, and appreciate having the free time from a relationship to see them. I like that RG is going on a hiking trip with a friend of his in a week, get all that hiking and camping out of his system, ha ha. What do you all think about divergent hobbies and relationships?
Oh in other news, I'm meeting HtL tonight for coffee.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The Saga Continues
Okay, feel free to skip this post if you've heard enough about MB.
So, we started talking again, me and MB. I still have some stuff of his, so we were talking about how to get it. Then on the 4th of July, I sent him an email, and he wrote back that he was going through something and seemed pretty stressed. He has this other woman, that he has been talking to online and on the phone for a month, and they were supposed to finally meet, only she dropped off the face of the earth. We talked, and I felt bad for him. Why did I feel bad for him? Why do I feel so much sympathy for this guy who is obviously full of issues? I'm not really sure. I worry that I'm addicted to the drama in some way.
Yesterday, we were talking about hanging out after he got off work. Ostensibly to hand off his stuff, but maybe to rekindle some old flame. MB did say that he has offered to go help the other woman (who has some issues of her own), and that he might have to do that instead, but he really wanted to see me. Then in the afternoon, he text messaged me that he was going up there because she needed him, and he hoped I was cool with it, and maybe if he had no chemistry with her, he would just give me a call in a few hours and we could still hang out.
I didn't sit at home waiting by the phone or anything. I even talked to TG about hanging out a little, but that didn't happen. And I went to bed early, got some needed sleep. And MB didn't call at all. But I had a few dreams where he called and told me he wasn't interested in this other woman at all and realized he loves me. Ugh. Is that what I really want? Not really. I admit, I checked my voicemail today with a bit of disappointment that he hadn't called at all, but I'm not overly surprised.
As Heather and I always say, some guys dig the crazy. And the needy. MB spent most of his adult life being a caretaker for his ailing parents, and he just thrives on being needed by someone. And I know that that's one thing I can never be to a man. Sure, I can have needs, express those needs, have a man fill some of them. But I'm not across the board needy, not going around asking for help with everything in my life. The main difference between MB and me is that I'm a happy person, an optimist, who finds joy and pleasure in her life. Whereas for him, life is about suffering.
I'm sure we'll see each other again at some point; I still have his stuff. I'm sure we'll probably hang out and hook up and what have you, but I definitely need to take a step back from him and his issues. I'm honestly not sure why I even bother talking to him since this whole saga is pretty screwy. But it's also entertaining in a way. Every wrong man I meet reaffirms that there are better people out there for me.
*****
Update, he phoned me and he picked up his bag of tricks from me at the Humane Society. So the saga should be over. I'm definitely over it, anyway.
So, we started talking again, me and MB. I still have some stuff of his, so we were talking about how to get it. Then on the 4th of July, I sent him an email, and he wrote back that he was going through something and seemed pretty stressed. He has this other woman, that he has been talking to online and on the phone for a month, and they were supposed to finally meet, only she dropped off the face of the earth. We talked, and I felt bad for him. Why did I feel bad for him? Why do I feel so much sympathy for this guy who is obviously full of issues? I'm not really sure. I worry that I'm addicted to the drama in some way.
Yesterday, we were talking about hanging out after he got off work. Ostensibly to hand off his stuff, but maybe to rekindle some old flame. MB did say that he has offered to go help the other woman (who has some issues of her own), and that he might have to do that instead, but he really wanted to see me. Then in the afternoon, he text messaged me that he was going up there because she needed him, and he hoped I was cool with it, and maybe if he had no chemistry with her, he would just give me a call in a few hours and we could still hang out.
I didn't sit at home waiting by the phone or anything. I even talked to TG about hanging out a little, but that didn't happen. And I went to bed early, got some needed sleep. And MB didn't call at all. But I had a few dreams where he called and told me he wasn't interested in this other woman at all and realized he loves me. Ugh. Is that what I really want? Not really. I admit, I checked my voicemail today with a bit of disappointment that he hadn't called at all, but I'm not overly surprised.
As Heather and I always say, some guys dig the crazy. And the needy. MB spent most of his adult life being a caretaker for his ailing parents, and he just thrives on being needed by someone. And I know that that's one thing I can never be to a man. Sure, I can have needs, express those needs, have a man fill some of them. But I'm not across the board needy, not going around asking for help with everything in my life. The main difference between MB and me is that I'm a happy person, an optimist, who finds joy and pleasure in her life. Whereas for him, life is about suffering.
I'm sure we'll see each other again at some point; I still have his stuff. I'm sure we'll probably hang out and hook up and what have you, but I definitely need to take a step back from him and his issues. I'm honestly not sure why I even bother talking to him since this whole saga is pretty screwy. But it's also entertaining in a way. Every wrong man I meet reaffirms that there are better people out there for me.
*****
Update, he phoned me and he picked up his bag of tricks from me at the Humane Society. So the saga should be over. I'm definitely over it, anyway.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Dating Updates, Back At Work
Wasn't yesterday the fakest holiday ever? Seriously. I'm back at work like, eh, another Monday. Oh it's not really that bad, but still, it would be nice to have more time off. Thankfully I was in Pacifica all day, because San Jose was hotter than hell at night.
When I got home last night, I started having an online chitchat with MB. MB's romantic life is kinda like mine in that he has a few things going on at once. But unlike me, he gets emotionally, deeply involved in his women. This one woman he was supposed to meet yesterday disappeared off the face of the earth, and he was frantic. (Note, this wasn't the woman that he wanted to start dating seriously, that's a whole other story.) Anyway, I felt bad for him spazzing, so I spent some time talking to him. And then flirting with him. And at one point, I went into the kitchen and realized it was after 8, and I hadn't fed the cats. So it was a good conversation. We agreed we could talk on the phone, no weird pressure, so we did. For a long time. Long story short, we are definitely not going to get seriously involved, but we might be doing some casual dating in the near future. Might, because he's still hung up on that one woman and having a "serious" relationship with her. So we'll see. No worries either way, and don't worry, I'm not falling for him.
I'm also in communication with another guy, let's call him BB for Breakup Boy. We started talking about a month ago about breakup stuff, because he posted a random post on CL, and we started talking. He is going through a breakup himself, though his is way more intense than mine because they were dating for over 10 years, living together, and she sounds like a bit of a skanky loon. He didn't say that exactly, but from what he said... ugh. I'll just say, a 10+ year romantic relationship between two Virgos sounds like a recipe for madness. Anyway, since we've been talking for a while, and we talked on the phone this week, we're planning to meet in a few weeks. He lives in Berkeley (should call him BBB, ha ha), so I'll get to head up there again. We'll see.
Oh, and I've been resisting the urge to call RG every day. I kind of want to, just to check in. Hello, clingy faux-girlfriend. I definitely am trying to keep that in check. Heather volunteered to keep my heart locked up in a box at her house, but I worry that might get messy if her kids get into the box. I am thinking I'll call RG today, make sure we're on for Saturday, setup exact plans, ask about his hike yesterday, ask about how hot it is where he lives. Okay, I am not going to sit there with note cards or anything, but obviously I've been thinking about it.
When I got home last night, I started having an online chitchat with MB. MB's romantic life is kinda like mine in that he has a few things going on at once. But unlike me, he gets emotionally, deeply involved in his women. This one woman he was supposed to meet yesterday disappeared off the face of the earth, and he was frantic. (Note, this wasn't the woman that he wanted to start dating seriously, that's a whole other story.) Anyway, I felt bad for him spazzing, so I spent some time talking to him. And then flirting with him. And at one point, I went into the kitchen and realized it was after 8, and I hadn't fed the cats. So it was a good conversation. We agreed we could talk on the phone, no weird pressure, so we did. For a long time. Long story short, we are definitely not going to get seriously involved, but we might be doing some casual dating in the near future. Might, because he's still hung up on that one woman and having a "serious" relationship with her. So we'll see. No worries either way, and don't worry, I'm not falling for him.
I'm also in communication with another guy, let's call him BB for Breakup Boy. We started talking about a month ago about breakup stuff, because he posted a random post on CL, and we started talking. He is going through a breakup himself, though his is way more intense than mine because they were dating for over 10 years, living together, and she sounds like a bit of a skanky loon. He didn't say that exactly, but from what he said... ugh. I'll just say, a 10+ year romantic relationship between two Virgos sounds like a recipe for madness. Anyway, since we've been talking for a while, and we talked on the phone this week, we're planning to meet in a few weeks. He lives in Berkeley (should call him BBB, ha ha), so I'll get to head up there again. We'll see.
Oh, and I've been resisting the urge to call RG every day. I kind of want to, just to check in. Hello, clingy faux-girlfriend. I definitely am trying to keep that in check. Heather volunteered to keep my heart locked up in a box at her house, but I worry that might get messy if her kids get into the box. I am thinking I'll call RG today, make sure we're on for Saturday, setup exact plans, ask about his hike yesterday, ask about how hot it is where he lives. Okay, I am not going to sit there with note cards or anything, but obviously I've been thinking about it.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Emotional Dumping Grounds
Too tired right now. The day is just dragging, the workplace is empty, everyone has left early for the holiday. Too damned back that we aren't closing early here. Alas.
I had kind of a weird evening last night. I saw TG for a little while and it was fine, but then he started dumping some of his emotional issues on me, talking about what kind of woman he would want to date seriously (not me), etc. And I started thinking about what kind of man I would want to date seriously (not him).
After TG left, I phoned RG to talk to him about it. I told him that I just didn't want to be jeopardizing something growing in between us because I'm going through this casual dating phase. He said I wasn't, that he could understand where I was, and he accepts it. At some point, the situation can change, and he's accepting of that. I believe him. We ended up talking for about 90 minutes, and it was just nice. I get that feeling of peace from him, that sort of serendipitous easy flow of conversation. Yeah, there is excitement and attraction there too, but also a comfort. And I feel that he accepts me as whom I am, which is nice. Though I did feel a bit nervous delving too much into my emotional history, not wanting to come off as a basket-case or anything. So far, so good, but one day at a time.
I talked to RG about the weekend, and he said he'd prefer for us to spend some time together alone before we attend anything as a couple. I think that's probably easier too because he's a bit shy around new people (except for me for some reason) and I think the big party over at Heather's would be intimidating. Not to mention, more BBQ for me. I might have to bring some home for him and for Teddy, who would love BBQ.
My downstairs neighbors told me the funniest thing yesterday. They said, "that black cat of yours sits in the window all the time and stares at us." I know Teddy likes to sit in the window and watch stuff, but I thought it was just birds. Ha, I have a crazy attack cat. Better than an alarm system. Teddy is good at giving that look like, "you're guilty, aren't you?" I'm glad to have the Tedster keeping an eye on stuff when I'm not at home.
I'm excited to have tomorrow off and excited I made no plans for tonight. I really need to sit at home and watch DVDs, read books, and vegetate. And maybe stare off into space a little bit. Hope you all have a good holiday.
I had kind of a weird evening last night. I saw TG for a little while and it was fine, but then he started dumping some of his emotional issues on me, talking about what kind of woman he would want to date seriously (not me), etc. And I started thinking about what kind of man I would want to date seriously (not him).
After TG left, I phoned RG to talk to him about it. I told him that I just didn't want to be jeopardizing something growing in between us because I'm going through this casual dating phase. He said I wasn't, that he could understand where I was, and he accepts it. At some point, the situation can change, and he's accepting of that. I believe him. We ended up talking for about 90 minutes, and it was just nice. I get that feeling of peace from him, that sort of serendipitous easy flow of conversation. Yeah, there is excitement and attraction there too, but also a comfort. And I feel that he accepts me as whom I am, which is nice. Though I did feel a bit nervous delving too much into my emotional history, not wanting to come off as a basket-case or anything. So far, so good, but one day at a time.
I talked to RG about the weekend, and he said he'd prefer for us to spend some time together alone before we attend anything as a couple. I think that's probably easier too because he's a bit shy around new people (except for me for some reason) and I think the big party over at Heather's would be intimidating. Not to mention, more BBQ for me. I might have to bring some home for him and for Teddy, who would love BBQ.
My downstairs neighbors told me the funniest thing yesterday. They said, "that black cat of yours sits in the window all the time and stares at us." I know Teddy likes to sit in the window and watch stuff, but I thought it was just birds. Ha, I have a crazy attack cat. Better than an alarm system. Teddy is good at giving that look like, "you're guilty, aren't you?" I'm glad to have the Tedster keeping an eye on stuff when I'm not at home.
I'm excited to have tomorrow off and excited I made no plans for tonight. I really need to sit at home and watch DVDs, read books, and vegetate. And maybe stare off into space a little bit. Hope you all have a good holiday.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friendship Set On Fire
In an effort to keep this blog PG, I admit that I've been a little bit subtle. Some day, my mom will remember that I have a blog and ask me the URL. Though as I mentioned to my mom this weekend, you would hope at 34 with a few long-term relationships under my belt, I wouldn't still be a virgin.
I had an interesting talk with MB last night. I actually felt that getting mad at him being a jerk moved our relationship forward, because it made me see him as a person, and as a person I couldn't see myself having any kind of future with. It made me start seeing him instead as someone I could be friends with. And yeah, he was an insensitive ass, but he's also a guy who hasn't had a lot of long-term relationships with women, and hasn't really developed the emotional maturity that some guys have. Obviously after being with my ex, not the best prospect for me.
Tattoo Guy (TG) is a year younger than me, but he was married before, so he knows how things go. He's not looking for anything super serious either, since it sounds like he still has some weird issues with his ex. He also is going on some kind of road trip in a few weeks. Howard the Liar (HtL) is in Hawaii now, so we're probably going to meet up next week. Don't say it, I don't think he has really lied about anything since his original profile. I just like calling him HtL because it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, he's a really smart and funny guy to talk to, and even if nothing happens, you can't have too many smart and funny people in your life.
And RG ... sigh. I'm calming down a little bit. I'm just glad that we live further apart, so there isn't the constant temptation to see each other all the time. That kind of happened with me and the ex in the beginning, partly because he wasn't working. And I don't think that helped. The whole idea of "friends first" as they talk about on CL posts, well, I think they mean something else by it. But really, the idea of being a friend to someone you date, first and foremost, is really important. I've never had a romantic relationship last as long as most of my friendships. As my friend Kim pointed out this weekend, we've known each other for almost 16 years. I'd love to meet a guy that I would still like after that period of time, or much less after 4 years. Admittedly, my long term friendships can be complicated, and sometimes they wax and wane like the moon, but that basic respect and concern for my friends is still there.
My friend Heather is having a BBQ this weekend, and I'm trying to decide if I should invite RG or not, since we are getting together later that night anyway. I guess I can talk to him about it. I really would like to eventually have any possible guy meet Heather and her husband, since I think they have a better idea of what kind of man would be good for me than I do. But I don't know if this would be too soon.
I had an interesting talk with MB last night. I actually felt that getting mad at him being a jerk moved our relationship forward, because it made me see him as a person, and as a person I couldn't see myself having any kind of future with. It made me start seeing him instead as someone I could be friends with. And yeah, he was an insensitive ass, but he's also a guy who hasn't had a lot of long-term relationships with women, and hasn't really developed the emotional maturity that some guys have. Obviously after being with my ex, not the best prospect for me.
Tattoo Guy (TG) is a year younger than me, but he was married before, so he knows how things go. He's not looking for anything super serious either, since it sounds like he still has some weird issues with his ex. He also is going on some kind of road trip in a few weeks. Howard the Liar (HtL) is in Hawaii now, so we're probably going to meet up next week. Don't say it, I don't think he has really lied about anything since his original profile. I just like calling him HtL because it sounds kind of cool. Anyway, he's a really smart and funny guy to talk to, and even if nothing happens, you can't have too many smart and funny people in your life.
And RG ... sigh. I'm calming down a little bit. I'm just glad that we live further apart, so there isn't the constant temptation to see each other all the time. That kind of happened with me and the ex in the beginning, partly because he wasn't working. And I don't think that helped. The whole idea of "friends first" as they talk about on CL posts, well, I think they mean something else by it. But really, the idea of being a friend to someone you date, first and foremost, is really important. I've never had a romantic relationship last as long as most of my friendships. As my friend Kim pointed out this weekend, we've known each other for almost 16 years. I'd love to meet a guy that I would still like after that period of time, or much less after 4 years. Admittedly, my long term friendships can be complicated, and sometimes they wax and wane like the moon, but that basic respect and concern for my friends is still there.
My friend Heather is having a BBQ this weekend, and I'm trying to decide if I should invite RG or not, since we are getting together later that night anyway. I guess I can talk to him about it. I really would like to eventually have any possible guy meet Heather and her husband, since I think they have a better idea of what kind of man would be good for me than I do. But I don't know if this would be too soon.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Seredipity Sunday
Okay, the last thing I would have thought possible happened. I ended up spending 6+ hours with RG. We just had that fantastic ease of conversation, meeting of the minds, chemistry. I loved talking with him. And other things. I really enjoyed talking to him, would have enjoyed just meeting him even if it wasn't a date, and there was also that wonderful kissing, that sexy chemistry. When he sat down for coffee, and I smelled him, and he smelled good. Is anyone else like that? For me, attraction is really about smell, and if someone doesn't smell right to me, I'm just not into it. But he smelled just right.
At one point, we were kissing, and he looked at me like he was already in love with me. I told him, don't fall in love with me because I have all this other stuff going on, I'm trying things in my life, and I want to be myself. And he told me that he didn't want me to be anything other than myself.
Okay, I know I sound totally crazy now and I probably need to do some deep processing. But I did make plans to see him next weekend. In a way, it's good that he lives an hour from me. It gives me some space and time to think about things.
Oh, yeah I should mention that I met two cool guys yesterday as well. One of them, Tattoo Guy (TG) was really hilarious, funny and down to earth. If I wrote an entry yesterday, I might have been going off about TG. Really, you can't tell what someone is really like right away. I need to give things time, let things build. The number one thing is that I'm being honest, with them and with myself, and seeing where things go.
At one point, we were kissing, and he looked at me like he was already in love with me. I told him, don't fall in love with me because I have all this other stuff going on, I'm trying things in my life, and I want to be myself. And he told me that he didn't want me to be anything other than myself.
Okay, I know I sound totally crazy now and I probably need to do some deep processing. But I did make plans to see him next weekend. In a way, it's good that he lives an hour from me. It gives me some space and time to think about things.
Oh, yeah I should mention that I met two cool guys yesterday as well. One of them, Tattoo Guy (TG) was really hilarious, funny and down to earth. If I wrote an entry yesterday, I might have been going off about TG. Really, you can't tell what someone is really like right away. I need to give things time, let things build. The number one thing is that I'm being honest, with them and with myself, and seeing where things go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)