The Long Drive Home

First, a photo for my friend S:

I am home. I am very glad to be home. Driving 527 miles in one day is too much. I left Vegas around 7 AM and got home around 3:30. You do the math. That's a lot of fast driving. My car does 85-90 quite easily. I ended up wasting about 15 minutes at a parking lot trying to get the CDs changed in my car, because the changer isn't good at spitting the CDs out. I have almost gotten the hang of just pushing the disk in or pulling it out with my keys. Not great for my CDs, but I have everything on my iPod anyway. Is it wasteful to want to buy a new car just so I can have built in MP3 playing technology?

The Bellagio, one of the most beautiful hotels in Las Vegas, always has a huge selection of flowers in their Conservatory area, back behind the lobby. I have been there in almost every season, and they really do it up for each one. The most ornate was probably the Chinese New Year, or maybe the Christmas display with a gigantic tree, rows and rows of poinsettias, etc. This May, they had this sort of "tribute to Route 66" which I didn't totally understand how the flowers related, but there were tons of lovely roses, so it was fine that I didn't understand it.

The main item was this gigantic Ferris wheel with sunflowers riding on the seats. It didn't actually turn though. Still, it was pretty cool.

They also had a "farmer's market" type display of vegetables, and we couldn't figure out of they were real or fake. They do have enough security and don't like you plucking stuff out of there. I know that they replace the flowers sometimes every day, so they could just use real vegetables.

On the drive, I stopped at one of the first rest areas in California. I am sure these are sponsored by my taxes, but the rest areas by the side of the road are great. They are totally free, they keep the bathrooms relatively clean, there is usually a lot of parking, and there's nothing better than having a place to stop when you are in the middle of nowhere and that coffee you drank 60 miles ago is making itself known.

I think the most interesting part of this drive was going through the Mojave. It's just beautiful out there, desolate yet alive.

The least interesting part was on Highway 5. I think that should be nominated for the most boring freeway in California. I swear that I was doing things like changing lanes just to keep myself awake. At one point, I drove by the most gigantic cattle farm I've ever seen, and the smell was just heinous. It took many miles to get that smell out of my car. I think if I lived near there, I'd be a vegetarian, and also I wouldn't be able to smell anything normal.

The coolest thing I did was passing people on one-lane roads. I had never really done that before, but I was going on this random road (highway 46) with too many trucks, so I would just pass them. It really is a rush. And in a day of total boredom, a few rushes of adrenalin are a good thing.

Homeward Bound

This net connection is sucking the big one right now and I'm trying to upload some photos from today, but they aren't coming up. Like everything, it is getting on my last nerve. I feel pretty much like that Simon & Garfunkel song mentioned in the title. I feel very un-rooted from myself and my life at this point, after being on vacation for a week. Time to get back home, start sleeping better, eating better, exercising, working on my mind. Vegas is a lot of fun, but I am trying to think of universal abundance, not the abundance of substances.

I'm loath to admit it here, particularly since I just told my mom today that I have a blog and will have to tell her the URL at some point, but I miss having male company. Well, that's a nicer way to put it. I had a particularly erotic dream after watching the House season finale, about House of course. I admit, I have no interest in Hugh Laurie as himself, but if he could pretend to be House for a dirty weekend, well, that would float my boat. Though at this point, random Vegas people are starting to look hot to me. Good thing I'm here with my mom, that I'm bone tired, and that I'm going home tomorrow.

Today we ate at the Spice Market Buffet, which is still as good when it was just in the Aladdin. This is the one buffet that is voted "best in Vegas" every year by residents, I think since it opened. And it's a reasonable price, and they have great stuff. They actually have a real ethnic variety of stuff, including Middle-Eastern snackies. I ate many olives today. After lunch, we walked over to Bellagio where I took some lovely photos of the flower arrangements they have there. There was a big display of roses in the lobby, and my mom asked, are those to take? Ha ha. Oh, and I saw several brides today, at least four. None of which had bouquets of roses. They should have taken some from Bellagio.

Going to get a super early start tomorrow because my mom wants to be at the airport at a quarter to seven. Then I'm driving home 527 miles. My birthdate is 5/27, so it seems fitting. I am so glad I have nothing to do on Friday at all, except maybe laundry.

Vegas, Day Two

Hey, Heather, check it out, In-N-Out in Barstow! I didn't stop there this time, went to Starbucks instead. It seems like every rest stop place has at least one Starbucks now. Are we an over-caffeinated nation or what?

Today, we drove to the Las Vegas Outlet Shopping which was only a few exits away, or what would be a $30 cab ride. As an outlet mall, not super impressive but we did hit up the Chico's outlet. The only outlet store that was packed was the Coach outlet, which literally had lines throughout the store. Bay Area Secret: the Coach outlet in Napa is way better. Almost no one goes there so they have a huge selection and no lines. In Las Vegas, it is just too hot for an outdoor outlet mall; I assume about 95 degrees. It's a dry heat, but it's still not super comfortable. I like the heat walking around at night, not during the day. Well not carrying a ten pound bag of clothes anyway.

Tonight, we have tickets to see Phantom Las Vegas Spectacular at our hotel. We are actually staying at one of the concierge suites so we got to book the tickets with the concierge. She told us most of her life story while selling us the tickets, including how she enjoyed the show, what other shows she liked, how her boyfriend who hates opera liked the show, etc. My mom was guessing that we could find out her blood type by the end of the conversation. Tomorrow we are going to see Popovich Comedy Pet Theater in the afternoon at what is now called the Planet Hollywood Hotel, but was known as Aladdin a few months ago. I assume they aren't changing the theme too much, but they are doing a ton of work on the outside. I hope the Spice Market Buffet hasn't changed too much. They have the best Middle-Eastern food at that buffet.

I don't really love driving on the Strip per se, but having a car is good for going around. My mom is still recovering from breaking her ankle, so she isn't up for as much walking as usual. Not to mention, my car has wonderful air-conditioning. I just got the air filter changed, and it feels so good to drive around in it. Every hotel has free parking, but even with using my mom's disabled parking permit, you still have to haul to get anywhere. To get from the parking garage to our room, we had to take three elevators! I wonder, do really rich people have to haul everywhere? I guess you can have the limo drop you off, but even still you do have to walk some places.

I should get ready to go to early dinner, so we can get into the show on time. This is my first time seeing Phantom and they want us to be there by 6:30. We have to plan ahead, and take two elevators to get to the right place.

Photos Of Vacation, in random order

Leaf, a vegan raw foods restaurant in West L.A.

It was too cloudy to get any good ocean photos on 101, but this was south of Santa Barbara and the ocean looked amazing, even with the foggy weather.

My friend Jen's dog Max. He was the first animal nephew I ever had. He has a cute way of wiggling his eyebrows.

My friend Jen doesn't drink coffee, but thankfully there is a drive-thru Starbucks a few blocks from her house. I went in my pajamas every day.

I got a bouquet of flowers from my boss at work, and Kiki and Teddy admired it by chewing on it. I threw it out before I left because I figured they would eat the whole thing otherwise.

Dessert wreckage at Wynn Hotel buffet. The best thing was the key lime pie which is in a little dish to the left.

That's our hotel bathroom. See the lovely robe hanging up.

The couch and computer center in our room at the Venetian.

Nevada state line. The second you cross over the state line, there are places to start gambling. I just drove on to Las Vegas, approx 40 more miles.

Scenery. It would be a better picture if I wasn't trying to drive, but I thought the sagebrush was very interesting looking. I'm sure I'll see more of that going through the Mojave on Thursday. When I hear desert, I think sand, but that's not how the desert is here.

We have tickets for Phantom of the Opera tomorrow. I am exhausted from driving. I think I'm going to attempt to actually sleep in. I did take a bath in the amazing bath tub and that helped a lot. This 700 sq foot hotel room is larger than my first apartment.

iHop

My friend Jen and I just had breakfast at IHOP. I have that wonderful greasy feeling in my stomach now. I love that place, but really, can't eat there more than every six months. This cute tall guy with a book came in as we were leaving, and I told my friend he was cute. Jen said, you should go tell him he's cute. I was thinking of saying, you're tall and cute, you have a book, and you are IHOP, you must be my soul mate. Hah.

I'm just about to get into the car and drive to Las Vegas. I have heard that it will take anywhere from 3 to 5 hours to get there. I think 3 is if you drive really fast the whole way. Hopefully with minimal traffic, it will be closer to 3. In any case, I should have internet in my room at Venetian so I can upload some of my random pictures.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

I have some photos to upload, but I can't figure out how to connect to the internet at my friend Jen's house. She has some kind of wireless but has no idea what the password is. I tried a direct connect, sadly did not work. I actually took a bunch of pictures on the freeway that will be interesting when they come out. It was very foggy in the really beautiful area north of Santa Barbara, so I didn't get any of the really lovely shots of the ocean.

I forgot how long the drive is on 101. It took me about seven hours, but admittedly most of the problem was getting into Los Angeles. There was never horrible traffic, but just times when it wasn't moving at all. I was listening to the radio, and they never said, "oh there's an accident on the 405," so it was just traffic.

My friend Lucie, who I just found out reads this blog, got me a rice cooker for my birthday. Awesome. I was totally surprised, because I had just been talking about how I would love to have a new rice cooker, and here it was. I still have it in the box, but it looks like it has settings for brown rice as well as white rice, wild rice ... hopefully I won't need a degree in engineering to figure out.

Mon Voyage

I am just so excited that I don't have to work for a week and a half. Seriously. I don't have to be back at work until June 4. I can barely get through today as it is. I keep wanting to snap at people on the phone when they are stupid and slow (which seems to be every call). It probably doesn't help that I'm somewhat groggy (Teddy keeps waking up at 5 AM and running around squeaking) and also fairly sore (heavy workout last night). I made a list of all of the things I need to do before I leave work, and I'm about halfway done. One good thing about my job, when I'm not here, stuff gets done anyway. There is no makeup work to do.

I still haven't figured out if I'm bringing my computer on my trip. I'm going to Los Angeles for four days then Las Vegas for three. I'm not sure if my friends in LA have wireless access. However, in Vegas I am staying at the Venetian and they supposedly have internet access in every room. Sorry, I mean suite. I just called to request a non-smoking room and they kept saying suite instead of room. Haha. I guess my Hotwire settings automatically request non-smoking anyway since that was what they had me setup with. Strangely, I'm in the cheapest room and it's called the "luxury suite." I was checking out some of the rooms they have that are more expensive, and they have all these concierge suites that you can get all kinds of personalized service. My favorite is that they'll unpack your suitcase for you. It just sounds totally 19th century.

Before I leave town, I'm going to upload some cute cat pictures and will probably be posting a small selection either later tonight or tomorrow. When I return to town, both Kiki and I will be a year older, since both of our birthdays are on Sunday.

Trifecta of Encounters with the Opposite Sex

This is my 251st post. Wow.

I had a sort of men trifecta this weekend. The first was I went out to dinner with my friend S on Friday, and then we went over to Kohl's. Her baby was with us, and he was getting pretty tired past his bedtime, so we went to go check out. Their checkout line is odd and not very organized, so I looked at this guy standing there to see if he was waiting in line. Then he looked at me, and said, "hi" in a super friendly way. Now, he was there with his adolescent son, so definitely too old for me. In addition to the whole skeeziness of meeting someone at Kohl's. Nordstroms', maybe, but not Kohl's.

Then Saturday, I was doing my usual thing at the Humane Society. For some reason, I felt more irritated at humanity than usual. I guess if you are going to be irritated at humanity, the Humane Society can be the place to be. Because there are too many ridiculous people walking around there, spouting nonsense. This weekend, it was a woman who was saying that a 4 year old cat was too old that really set me in an irritable direction. Well, that and they were all out of cat toys. There are a lot of young cats around, and they definitely love to have toys, and there were none to be had. I was irritated with that. I admit, I should go out and buy some toys for them as well, but since I'm trying vainly to conquer my financial woes, I don't really want to spend money just yet.

Anyway, there was actually a guy there. A single guy. With one cat. In a one-bedroom apartment. And, he was probably about the right age for me. And I was lukewarm towards him, even though I could detect some interest there. I'm not really sure why, other than he didn't really have that charismatic spark that some people have. And the age thing, I was thinking maybe he was older. I realize I want to date a guy who is in the 30-40ish range, maybe going up to 42. But no one older. The ex was 12 years older than me, and that seemed like a big difference. For instance, he had never watched The Smurfs. How can you relate to someone who has never watched those little blue socialists?

Then on Sunday, I took my car to get the oil changed at Jiffy Lube. I dread car maintenance stuff. I do get it done, but what a pain in the ass. If you take it to the dealer, they take forever. And charge a lot. Jiffy Lube does everything right away fast. I was out of there in about 10 minutes. I spent those 10 minutes in their lobby, reading book 6 in the Dresden Files series. Then I paid with a five dollar coupon, and went to get my car. Usually they just leave your car there with the keys in and the engine running. But this time, one of the employees was there to open the door for me. Okay. Then he says, "thanks for coming to Jiffy Lube." I said, "you're welcome." Then he says, "see you next time you come here." I said, "okay." And he says, "in another 3000 miles." Then he says, my favorite line, "have a nice summer." Uh okay. I got into my car and started giggling because I realize he was attempting to flirt with me or something. But quite frankly, "have a nice summer" isn't as great of a pickup line as "you're gorgeous." It kind of reminds me of what you would write in the yearbook of someone you didn't know very well.

I did some thinking and I realize the internet dating this is more appealing to me. Sure, you miss out on some of the whole physical attractiveness thing, but I realize for me, the attraction has to happen on a mental level first. My friend Jen asked, "wouldn't you date a guy who worked at Jiffy Lube?" I said, only if he was intellectual. I had no way of knowing, though I guess from his conversational attempts he wasn't really. Though as my friend Heather and S said on Sunday, at least he has a job.

Grain and Salt

Long before I met the ex, I was macrobiotic for a few months. I don't really think I could have kept it up for more than a few months. It wasn't really the having to eat seaweed every day that did me in. (Though let's face it, seaweed is freaking nasty. Some book said that different varieties of seaweed have different tastes, but they all tasted like a fish's butthole to me.) It wasn't not eating sweets, meats, and fruits. (I like all those things, but I could live without them. Hell, when I was macrobiotic, I even gave up coffee!) It was not being able to have tomatoes. Seriously. I missed tomatoes. I think my favorite are chopped canned tomatoes. They go well with everything. Well, with pasta anyway. I could probably eat them 2-3 times a week. I probably do eat them 2-3 times a week.

Last weekend, I went to Whole Foods and got a bag of organic short grain brown rice. This is the fundamental staple of the macrobiotic diet. Not long grain, not white rice. Short grain tastes different than long grain, maybe the texture is different. Or maybe I didn't use enough water when cooking it. I have this ancient rice cooker that I inherited from my dad. So much rice sticks on the bottom. I used to have the hang of cooking enough rice to make exact cup servings, but when I made some on Tuesday, I ended up with too much rice at the bottom of the pot. I think a ceramic rice cooker would be better, but really, my rice cooker works fine otherwise. It's just sticky at the bottom.

In addition to the rice, I had tofu, dinosaur kale, and daikon radish. Dino kale is more flat leaved than the standard kale, and I've never seen it for sale anywhere other than Whole Foods. Daikon is an incredibly versatile vegetable, sweet when cooked, spicy and pungent when raw. I know that daikon has a lot of detoxification properties in addition to being delicious. And the tofu, well, I know if I were fully following the macrobiotics, I would have made it a smaller portion, but I just used a 4-5 points portion (about a half a pound). Also, if I were fully macrobiotic, I would have just seasoned it with salt and/or soy sauce, but I ended up using a teaspoon of some cooking sauce I got from Trader Joe's. And the whole thing came out really well.

I was very tired earlier in the week, but now I'm feeling really good. I don't know how much the brown rice has to do with it. But I do know for those weeks where I was able to follow the macrobiotic way, I felt healthy and energized. I was able to quit caffeine and sugar, and it just was easy to do. I think if I ever was going to quit drinking coffee again, I would have to go macrobiotic first because I know it worked. Also, if I ever live in LA again, and I ever work near Real Foods Daily, I would eat there every day for lunch. They have a real food meal that is perfectly macrobiotic. I hate having to make a bunch of different vegetable dishes, and prefer to just throw everything into one pot or skillet, but RFD makes that great plate of macrobiotic variety.

One Week

I am going on vacation in one week. I haven't been on a real vacation in months. Even the last trip I took, to LA, it was only a long weekend. But now, I'm going on vacation for a whole week. I'm going to LA, then I'm going to Las Vegas, then finally returning home. I'm coming back on the 31st, so I will have a long weekend before I have to be back at work.

The Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" has been in my head every morning this week for some reason. I pulled up the song on my computer at home and danced around yesterday morning. Usually when I do this, the cats look at me funny. I usually change the lyrics a little bit, putting in their names. But they are rarely impressed with my cleverness.

One Week

Happy First Birthday, Teddy!

Today is Teddy's first birthday. I was combing over photos of him, trying to find some of the ones when he was little. Here is the first one I posted here. I had forgotten how bad his ringworm was when he first was living with me, because his fur grew back and he's such a lovely cat.

I did an update of the can of tuna picture a few months later. I printed this one out and have it at my desk because I love his little arrogant expression:

Teddy has a bad habit of pulling his food out of the bowl to eat it. There is a weird stain right near his placemat from the food.

One of his favorite things is to sit by the window and look outside.

This one I just snapped over the weekend. He had just been in a hilarious pose on his back, but moved once I got up to get the camera.

Here's a very early photo from when I first got my camera.

I remember when I first met him at the Humane Society. He was tiny (about 2 lbs) and seemed really mellow and cute. I didn't realize the mellowness was a side effect from him having a bit of a cold. Because the second he was on antibiotics, he was never mellow again. I remember him being so energetic that he would run in circles, and then run into the wall. I worried that he had some brain damage, both from running into the wall and from being in a 3-day coma when he first came into the Humane Society. I was cleaning out my car a few months ago and read his first medical report of when he came in. He was just a little tiny thing and someone had beaten the crap out of him. They weren't sure if he'd wake up from his coma. It still makes me cry.

Teddy is the most lively cat I've ever met. He always seems to be cheerful and in a good mood. When he walks, his head bobs up and down. He is still a bit too aggressive, still bites on occasion, and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to trim his claws on my own without suffering severe bleeding. But he has such sweet qualities too. When he first was living with me, he would snuggle in to sleep on my back in the middle of the night. He still sleeps on the bed, cuddled up to my legs.

Happy Birthday, little dude, and many happy returns.

Tired Yet Amused

I am extremely exhausted. I got up at 6:30 to go weigh-in before going to teach a class at the Humane Society. After my class, I went to the library, and then went back to the Humane Society for more of my usual. I got home around 6 PM and just passed out. The picture on the left is what I saw when I woke up.

Oh, about this picture. The random brown blob is cat vomit. I am pretty sure that one of the cats lined up their stuffed toy like that, as an alibi. "Not our vomit, it was the stuffed rat." Uh, sure.

Another Kind of Crazy

I bet you didn't know this about me, but I'm boy crazy. Well, I was when I was a kid. I think it was a combination of having sexual feelings early on and reading a lot of romances. After time, the actual romanticization of sex faded away, for the most part, but I think sometimes about the girl I was at 15, and how I'm still like her. I realize in a few weeks, I'll be turning 34, and I was thinking about what I was like at 17. Very cool, somewhat depressed, and convinced no one would ever understand me.

In the four weeks since I've been liberated from my last relationship, I've thought a lot about what kind of men I want to date. Don't get me wrong, I want to be in a serious relationship at some point soon. I'd love to meet someone that I could feel that bond with, without them leaching off of me financially indefinitely. I was telling a friend of mine that I actually miss living with someone, which blew her mind since I've always been so anti-roommate.

The weird thing about being in a relationship for four and a half years and very suddenly being free, well, it's like you have been eating the same thing for lunch every day, and now suddenly you are at the largest buffet in the world. You know if you ate one of everything, your stomach would be upset for days. But you really want to try a bit of everything, things you had before and liked, things you never tried but always wanted to. After years of having the same thing, day in and day out, suddenly the possibilities are endless.

The other night, I was driving home from therapy and stopped at a red light. Next to me was this guy on a motorcycle. He had a build like Iggy Pop, totally lean and almost heroin chic, but in a sexy way. I was thinking it wouldn't be hard to just roll down my window and compliment his bike. Who knows, maybe he'd give me that look like "uh yeah, whatever." Or maybe he'd pull over and show me his bike. Or something else. And then yesterday, I was driving home and looked over at this guy in the car next to me. He looked a little bit like one of those techie guys around here, a little bit overweight, like he sat in front of a computer all day. But he had this buzz-cut hair that reminded me of this guy I had a huge crush on in 10th grade. This guy in the car looked nothing like the guy from high school, other than his haircut, but he started reminding me of him. And I started thinking, I wonder what this guy's story is. I would try to stop near him at stop lights so I could look at him, and at his car. (Can take the girl outta LA...)

I'm not saying that every single person I see is interesting and attractive to me. But I'm starting to see the possibilities out there. Thinking, do I want to settle down right away? I am not sure.

Vacation, Mirrors, and Tires

I went to get my tire patched yesterday, only to find out it was unpatchable. So, I got two new front tires. Because, you know I really was hoping to spend a large amount of money before 10 AM. I actually have had the same tires on the car since I got it, five years ago, so it was a good life span for them. And my rear tires are the original ones. The car feels different now, in a good way. It almost makes me want to replace the back tires too, but the two tires I got cost about as much as all four tires would have cost on my old car. I am hoping I can put off changing the other two for at least another year.

Last night at therapy, we did this thing called "mirror work." You look into the mirror and tell yourself something good about yourself. I complimented myself on my teeth. I have great teeth, very straight and fairly white. I also tried to come up with a less appearance related compliment. It seems like a really odd thing to do, but I've found myself saying something to myself when I go into the bathroom. I think it's a good way to have my positive self-image increase, but I also think I look tired when I stare at myself in the mirror.

Thankfully, I'm going to have some vacation time soon. A few months ago, I requested the last week in May off work. Gotta celebrate my birthday in style, meaning, not go to work while celebrating. I'm starting to work out the details of my trip, but it looks like I'm going to LA for a few days and then going to Vegas with my mom. I just called the cat sitters right now. I feel horrid leaving my cats for a week, but I'm pretty sure they'll be fine. My original plan was to have the ex watch them that week, but who knows where he's going to be then. Out of state? Hiding under a rock? No idea.

Kindness of Strangers

I met my friend S and her baby for dinner tonight. We were celebrating her bday (last month) and also her getting to her pre-pregnancy weight. We met, as usual, at the Cheesecake Factory near my house. As I was leaving, I noticed my car was driving a little bit funny, and these three young guys pointed out my right front tire was flat. This guy who was waiting with his family at the Cheesecake Factory came by and put my little spare on for me. I have had my car for 5 years, and these are still the original tires. It was the first time I ever used the tiny spare. I was going to call AAA anyway, but it was so awesome that this random guy helped me. I didn't know if I was supposed to offer him money or something, but I just thanked him profusely.

Is it ironic that I'd never had any auto problems when I was actually with a boyfriend, and the first month he's out of my life, I have a flat tire? Though probably if he had been around, he would have told me to call AAA.

The Universe Supports Me

The universe is supporting my breakup. I have truly begun to believe that. I went from doubtful to hopeful to just irritated at him to being almost angry. I don't get angry. I get passive-aggressive. But he's making me angry. He called me yesterday and left a really stupid message about something. I guess the deal is, I don't want to be responsible for him in any way whatsoever, and he doesn't really seem to get it. Anyway, I did tell him to return his key to me before he leaves the state, if he is actually leaving the state.

I'm reading this book by Dr. Wayne Dyer right now. I'm reading it incredibly slowly, both because I'm just slow at reading non-fiction and because it's dense with ideas that I actually need to concentrate on. But so far, in the first little bit I read, I got the gist of his idea of intention. The universe is full of abundance, and will give you the things you need, if you are open to receiving them. I started thinking last night, that the universe is giving me support in this breakup, because the ex was irritating me so much. Instead of taking this opportunity for him to change and take stock of how he lives his life, he's gone to finding new people to leech off of.

Sometimes, I am lonely, but less and less as each day goes by. I think you can be lonely when you are with someone and you feel like you aren't being heard. When you feel like your every word is judged, weighed, and criticized. I'm not bitter about this, just stating the truth. I want to take responsibility for the choices I made in the past, so I can learn to make better choices in the future.

It went from being a fairly cold spring to being an extremely early and hot summer here. I don't think it really cooled down until late at night. That's one good thing about this area, that no matter how hot it gets during the day, it usually cools down a lot overnight. Except for a few weeks during the summer, those weeks we shall call Hell on Earth.

I was thinking last night about what kind of guy I'd like to meet, to date. Someone closer to my age. Who has gainful employment. Jokingly, I say I'd like to date a guy who is an only child and an orphan so I won't have to deal with insane family members. But if I met someone who had a family that wasn't totally nutty, that would also be a good sign.

The Opposite of Love

It was raining here just a few days ago, and now it's ridiculously hot. I bought several different air-freshners at Target today, and I just had to open the windows to get some of the scent out. I'm sure it will settle down in a few days, or my nose will get used to the smell. I think I'm both trying to get rid of any cat crap smells, and also just make the place my own in every way.

The ex came by today to pack up and pick up more stuff. Like our move last year, he doesn't get the whole thing about how when you are packing stuff up, you take everything. You go through every room and find your stuff and put it in boxes. So, he still had stuff in every room until today. I got him to move almost everything into one location, and then reminded him that he still had clothing in the closet, which he didn't move yet. I cannot wait to have the full gigantic closet to myself, spread my shoes out, and all that good stuff.

So he has a plan to move to another state, at any moment. Did I ever mention that he's bi-polar? And gets into these manic states? That sadly did not involve cleaning the apartment or anything. When manic, he comes up with crazy ideas, and sometimes follows through with them. I am just glad I'm out of the picture in all of this. All I am is a storage space for some of his crap, which is irritating, but other than packing all the shit in boxes, not much I can do. And in all truth, it doesn't irritate me as long as it doesn't interfere with what I want to do. Though he was still carping at me about touching some of his things yesterday. Uh, yeah, if you don't want me touching them, get them OUT.

It's been almost a month since I closed this door on this relationship, and I'm starting to feel ready to move on, and start dating. I am thinking I might do some online sites. I don't think I meet the appropriate people to date in my daily life. It seems like everyone I've seen just hanging around alone is either too young or too old. When I see men of the appropriate age come into the Humane Society, they are with their partners. Maybe single men don't get cats? Anyway, I'm just keeping an open mind for now, and I will follow-up with some earnest searching in a few months.

Cooking Therapy

I've just had one of those weeks, but you know, sometimes every week is one of those weeks. This week, I've had that special monthly visitor from Hell. I have a question for all you forty-somethings, does it just keep getting worse? I remember barely feeling any pain when I was younger, and now, it's pain, nausea, bloating, and just generally feeling like crap. Am I doomed to keep getting this worse and worse until some day it just dries up? Obviously, if this happened to men, they would have found a cure for it years ago.

Last night, I was just feeling totally drained and tired when I got home from work. I was thinking, I would totally love to pick up a delicious greasy dinner from my favorite tacqueria, maybe a vegetarian burrito and a carne asada quesadilla. I ordered the latter one time by accident, and it's now my favorite thing. I was thinking and fantasizing about this meal for most of the afternoon. But suddenly my inner voice, the one who I spent years shutting up and pushing down with food (and various other substances when I was younger), said, "you have fresh salmon in the fridge, why not make that?"

The thought of actually cooking dinner seemed exhausting to me. And this was a microwaveable bag of salmon, totally easy. I mean, I just had to open the flipping bag and stick some spices in there and put it in the microwave. I also chopped up a huge stack of brussel sprouts, and stir fried them in the wok (1 tsp of olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic, and tabasco with some balsamic vinegar at the end). The thought of chopping them (have to remove that bitter core part on each one of them, ugh) sounded like so much work, but I just threw on the radio and started chopping. Then the salmon came out of the microwave, and it was very good. I gave a little bit to the cats. I sat down and ate my healthy dinner of 6 oz of salmon and a cup of cooked brussel sprouts. I have another 6 oz of cooked salmon for dinner tonight or later in the weekend. I have other vegetables in the fridge that don't even require as much preparation as the sprouts. I am prepared.

Also, I saved money not buying dinner but instead using something I had already bought. I probably threw out about $25 a month of meat that we bought and didn't eat while I was with the boyfriend. It's weird, I think I'm more worried about money now in some ways. Yes, I got rid of a huge financial lodestone, but I now don't have that "magical bail-out" notion that some day, somehow, he would start bringing in some money. It's now 100% me paying for everything, so I have to make it work. No more hiding my head in the sand and waiting for someone to rescue me.

Inventory

It's weird, my blog seems to be a lot about therapy these days. Hopefully soon it will be about dating, travel, relationships, and more entertaining stuff. Ha ha, not that I'm really apologizing for my content. I write what I know. I write what I am.

Yesterday, we did this thing in therapy that my therapist called "Inventory." I actually volunteered for it. I know therapy group is one place where I'm not afraid to be myself, and also, I am not really afraid to volunteer for stuff anymore. I know when I was in school, I would try to avoid eye contact whenever the teachers would look for volunteers. But now, I am optimistic that nothing too bad can happen. And the idea of Inventory was pretty interesting. On one white board, she wrote down everything that had affected me originally going into the clinic in the first place, what my major issues were. Then on another white board, she wrote down everything of my circumstances now. There was a huge improvement. Some of the improvement is just time passing, my mom recovered from her breast cancer, I'm not as upset about 9/11 anymore. Some of it is that I'm out of my dead end relationship. And I'm optimistic about future relationships because I've grown as a person.

I just got back into Netflix once the boyfriend moved out. I've been a member for years and years, but I haven't been actually watching the movies I had out. For years. So I sent one of them back, and started putting new stuff in my queue. Now, I'm watching House season one. Yesterday, the first disk arrived, and I had already watched two of the four shows on it, so I just watched the other two and sent it back today. I forgot how much I love Netflix.

FluffyCat's Chemical Romance

Happy May, gentle readers. This is my favorite month of the year, because my birthday is in it. Yes, I am a five-year-old sometimes.

Yesterday, I went to the psychiatrist to get my medications updated. I have to say, even though she was 10 minutes late, I still got out of there 20 minutes after my scheduled appointment. I don't know how much psychiatrist's make, but they have the shortest appointments. At least at Kaiser. It was about five minutes of questions, five minutes of updating the system so I can get new medication. I was actually suggesting that I go on Prozac again. Why? Because I love Prozac. There is no drug that has made me as happy as Prozac, seriously. Like overly optimistic happy. So happy that when I first started taking it, my best friend Heather asked me what was wrong with me. But in a good way.

The only drawback to Prozac is that it kills my libido. But then again, being in a soul-sucking relationship also kills my libido. So I don't know how it would feel if I were in a normal relationship where I hadn't lost my attraction to the person because I was paying for everything. Yes, I'm admitting that. It's hard to get turned on by someone when they take your money. It's hard to get turned on by someone who bitches at you, doesn't think you are funny or charming, and blames you for many of his problems. I'm not going to get too detailed, but in the last year or two, there was very little going on in the bedroom.

Now that he's gone, and I'm living by myself, I realize that I miss having sexy times (thanks, Borat). Even sometimes when we were still together, I would think about what it would be like to hook up with random strangers. I really cannot, well, should not, get into random slut mode again. But I have to say, there's something fun about just having freedom to do whatever I want (and whomever I want, hah). I should just go to Vegas and get it out of my system.

Anyway, so my doctor is upping my Celexa, keeping me with the same Welbutrin, and everything is okay. I used to be nervous about taking mood meds, worry that I'd be taking them for the rest of my life, worry that I'd never get off of them. Now, I am not nervous. Maybe it's the Celexa talking, but I know that some day, I will be off these meds. In the meantime, while I need them, it's not a shame to take them. Taking meds is way better than sitting in the dark and feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't perfect. Taking the meds gives me energy to work on making my life more to my liking.