Life In The Light

I had to wake up at 5 in the morning to take my mom to the airport this morning. I came home and went back to bed, and woke up around noon feeling still groggy. Around 4 in the afternoon, the ex came around to move out more of his stuff, with some help from a family member. While they were doing that, I did some chores around here.

My visit with my mom was great. She managed an earlier flight on Friday, and we went out for Korean bbq for dinner. We went to the mall where I found out my favorite skincare line, Biotherm, is no longer going to be sold in the US at all, as of next week. The woman who worked there was like, oh yeah they are selling it in Asia and Europe. Okay, I'm going to go to Europe just to get skincare products. Uh, no. But now I'm going to need to try something else in a few months.

There wasn't too much bagging on the ex, at least on my part. It was kind of funny yesterday when we had lunch with Heather, and she and my mom were both doing the "oh we are so proud of you for breaking up with him." I really think if I hadn't been there, the conversation would probably have been more interesting.

I'm still sleep-deprived. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow morning, so I don't have to wake up until 9 or be in at work until noon. Not too bad. At some point in my masochistic past, I might have gotten up the normal time and tried to go into work for an hour or two, but I am not doing that crap any longer.

Haus Frau At The Taqueria

I didn't go to work yesterday. I woke up about 40 minutes before my alarm was set to go off and just felt crappy. My legs and arms felt achy, and I thought, oh this is probably just PMS, but I called in sick anyway. The thought of sitting at a desk all day when you feel achy like that is just vile. I know I can work when I'm not up to par, but having over 100 hours of vacation time accrued, why should I?

It was nice to go back to sleep (after feeding the cats of course, let's face it, they would not let me sleep if I hadn't) for several hours. I woke up, and did some laundry. Then the ex came by. In fact, he saw my car was in my spot, so he called before he came over. My desire to have my apartment rid of his stuff was way higher than my desire not to see him, so I said sure. Well, he came in and packed some boxes, and I sat on the couch and read. I felt like he was "the help" or something, and I was the rich hausfrau. Well not really, but you get the idea. At some point in the afternoon, I asked if he had had lunch, and he said no. So I offered to pick something up, and that ended up with us going to lunch together at his favorite taqueria. And we sat, and talked, a little bit.

One of the things he told me was that when I said that I wanted to still be friends, he thought that meant I wanted to still be in a relationship with him. (Duh, has he never seen any sitcom where someone is trying to dump someone and says that?) When we cleared that up, he said, oh yeah it's those communication problems we have? I think the problem is that he doesn't listen well. Every single person I have talked to about this, people who have known me forever, or people who just met me, doesn't understand how the ex-boyfriend labels me unintelligible. I mean, they asked me to teach classes at the Humane Society. My job is like 85% talking. Anyway, spending some time with him made me realize what I wasn't missing, which was the bullshit.

My mom is coming into town tonight, so we'll get to spend some quality time together. And since my mom never liked him that much anyway, she'll now free freer to express herself. Total joke, not like my mom ever feels insecure about expressing herself about anything anyway. Just when she did it before, I would try to stop her after a few minutes of boyfriend-bashing. But the tolerance for ex-boyfriend-bashing is much higher, I presume.

High Heels and Some Closure

I wore my two-inch heel black crocodile pumps today. I have had these shoes for about 10 years, and they look great because I almost never wear them. I used to have those jobs where you had to dress up for, but being a computer technician, I can wear jeans every day. I'm almost at the point with my job where I'm going to wear sweatpants to work. I already wear workout pants a few days a week. They are so comfortable. At least I'm not wearing pjs.

It's kind of cool to wear heels, because it makes you seem slimmer in addition to being taller. But it kind of forces you to walk slower, to walk in a more feminine way. You can't run. Ugh. I am not and have never been a real tomboy, but I feel most comfortable in sneakers.

When I got home last night, the ex had at least taken all his dirty clothes off the floor. I really don't understand why he had such an accumulation, considering that we have a washer/dryer in the garage. Anyway, he took some other stuff too, but not a lot. I sent him an email today with the very specifics. He needs to have all stuff out of the apartment by the end of this month, and needs to have the stuff out of my garage by next month. I know at least one person thinks I'm being too lenient, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being more stringent. I also called today to get his cell phone canceled, and they said, oh we can do it tomorrow or next month, and I opted for next month.

I'm not really angry at him. At all. I think that is what it boils down to. If I were feeling angry and vengeful, I'd be chucking his stuff out the window. But instead, I'm trying to make it easier (but not too easy, I've learned from having done that for too long with him) on him to get his stuff out, but also not let him think that I can keep his stuff forever. I think he likes keeping some items at my house, an excuse to see me and talk to me. But at this point, communication with him just makes me very tired. As they say, the opposite of love is indifference, and that's how I feel.

I went to Curves last night and talked to a few people about how I hadn't been last week. I told this one woman who is incredibly cheerful, but not exactly perky, about the breakup. She said immediately, "oh I'm so sorry." And I said, I'm not, this is a good thing for me. And then I said, "I have a feeling of peace in my life." Saying that out loud, I realized that was the thing that had been missing from my relationship. Peace.

The Mask

It was just a horrible day at work, one of those days that feels soul-sucking. My slackass coworker is still out, so it's me running the show, sort of. I just got tired of it after a while. Too many times people would keep asking the same damn question over and over as though my answer would change. Here's a hint, it doesn't.

Then I made a call to the ex-boyfriend to encourage him to get all his crap out of my apartment in the next week. He told me he had sent me an email on this very subject, after I had written his sister earlier today. For some reason, I still haven't received this mail. The real thing is, he still doesn't understand why our relationship has to be over just because he never had a real job the entire four and a half years we were dating. One of his worst habits is dismissing my feelings. This is the prime example of that. I told him over a week ago that I wanted him out by the end of the month, and he was still surprised today when I sounded serious. I'm just going to be relieved when he gives up his front door key.

Right now, I'm sitting here with this free facial mask I got from Lush. It's chocolate flavored, though it doesn't really smell edible. It actually kind of looks like I spread poop on my face. I guess the good thing about living alone, no one sees you when you put a face mask on and look like you have poop on your face. The cats think I'm weird anyway, this is only the tip of the iceberg to them. I am hoping for refreshed skin. And refreshed mind and heart. And the power to get through this week without throwing the ex's stuff out the window.

It's Raining Men, Sorta

I'm working here alone for a while, coworker out, so I'm covering the front for anyone who walks in and needs help. And who should walk in by this relatively cute guy? I just chatted with him a little bit about his computer, and stuff he needed help with, but it was nice. Refreshing. I'm so not ready to date, but it's cool to think that an interesting guy can just walk into my building at work.

I am a bit tired today, physically but not emotionally. After all that laborious house-cleaning, I slept like a log. Anyone who says that taking care of a home isn't work is totally full of crap. I don't envy anyone who has to spend every day picking up after their partner and/or children. I am most looking forward to going home and putting my feet up on the couch.

Cats Abhor A Vacuum

I am totally exhausted right now. I spent several hours today cleaning. First, I did a few loads of laundry including comforter covers. Then I used my lovely new Dyson vacuum to get up a disgusting amount of lint and cat hair. And I also cleaned out the litterboxes, wiped down where the cats eat, cleaned my bathroom counter. Somehow seeing it written, it doesn't seem to be quite as big a task as it was in the undertaking. But I feel really relieved now to have clean floors, and have things more straightened up.

It will be easier when the ex's stuff is out. He has about a week. We had a pretty firm (on my part) conversation on Friday night about it. I had said something vague like, we should do dinner, and he called me a few times to check on that. I called him back and the first thing I did was remind him that he has until the end of the month to move his stuff out. And I told him that I wasn't ready to live with him, even if he did have a job and money coming in. Or rather, I don't WANT to live with him. The last week, while sometimes scary, has just been amazing. I feel so relaxed in my own home. I don't have to listen to the griping or deal with the other issues. I shouldn't enumerate it, but suffice to say, I am just relieved now.

I still feel like I have a lot of work to do with this place. Also, if he doesn't actually get all his crap out, I'm going to have to move it to the garage and change the locks. Do I really want to do that? No. But will I? Most definitely. I dislike the idea of him showing up randomly, dislike the idea of him dragging his feet and damaging my stuff. I'm really ready for this to be over.

Feeling Hella Good

I have been doing fine. In fact, as time goes on, I'm doing better than fine. I'm doing great. I just am starting to feel normal again, in fact, more normal. I had about four days in a row of no appetite and upset stomach, but my normal appetite has come back. I had a few days of having a major headache, but now, the headaches are gone. I feel pretty damn great. And considering it's Friday, even better.

This weekend, I feel like I have a lot to do. One of the first things I want to do is by a Dyson vacuum. I really need to vacuum my house. I want to also move some stuff around, go through the mountainous piles of stuff, maybe even unpack a box. But first and foremost, I need to get a new vacuum cleaner. I also need to take the Venison & Green Peas dry food back to the store, and get the cats something else. This is their favorite flavor, but I think they like the Ultra Formula pretty well. Unlike some other brands, Natural Balance has been making an effort to get the samples tested, pull the products, and figure out what the hell is going on.

Oh, yeah, and I need to have a talk with the ex. Who needs to start moving his crap out of my house. And give me his keys back. Because, he has been by at least two times this week, not calling me before he comes, but just telling me he stopped by. For all I know, it has been an everyday occurrence. I know, I lived with this guy for over four years without issue, but the thought of him creeping around my house now bugs me. Also, the more crap he takes, the more room I have to move stuff around.

What a difference a week makes. A week ago, I was not sure how to go on, and now I'm ready to go. I guess I'm not really ready for dating or expanding my social circle or whatever, but I am ready to rebuild my life. I love living alone. I love being free to laugh as loud as I want during the Colbert Report, to turn all the lights off when I go to sleep, to cook my own dinner. Though, when I tried cooking my own dinner on Wednesday, I set off the smoke alarm several times. Strangely, the cats, who are terrified of vacuum cleaners, were not spooked by the smoke alarm. Kiki kept giving me this look like "what the hell are you doing, beyatch?" I also really like the whole not having to pay for someone else's food. I had Thai food with a friend last night, and we split the cost. I could make a rough guesstimate as to how much this whole breakup is saving me, and it would be at least a couple of hundred dollars a month.

Another Interview

Here is my interview from the Bitch Who Blogs:

1) Salty or Sweet?
Combination of both. Kettle corn has got to be the best example of this. Though I probably like salty things more than sweet on average. My mom never put salt in her cooking, so just a little bit of salt now really does it for me.

2) You are offered all the money in the world, but there is a catch, you have live outside the USA for the rest of your life and you cannot return for visits - friends and family can visit you- but you cannot return to the USA. Would you take the offer? If yes, where would you live? If no, why not?
Yes, definitely. Hrm, where would I live? I would probably go to the Cayman Islands or one of those no extradition places. Or I might travel a lot. I think today with the global economy, I wouldn't miss living in the US that much. Everything I could get here, I could get elsewhere. I wouldn't mind setting up my own government somewhere (Fluffocracy rules!).

3) Beach, Mountain or Desert? Choose only one- which one is it and why?
Beach, definitely. I hate being too dry and living in dry climates and I have found mountain areas to be too dry. I also like to live somewhere relatively flat, where I can go around on long walks. And I love looking at the ocean.

4) You loathe one of your best friend significant others - do you suck it up or do you let them know your feelings?
Ha, ask some of my friends about that. I usually will let someone know my feelings, but I try not to say "oh he's a total asshat" and I sugar coat it a little bit. I'm way worse at keeping my mouth shut about stuff like that.

5) You are given a guarantee that you will be successful in whichever career you choose- but it can in no way be related to current occupation. What do you choose and why?
Oh man, this is my question. I love the idea of doing something in no way related to my current occupation. I'd love to be a published author. I would probably write like Stephen King or Danielle Steel, less critical acclaim and more mass appeal.


Here are the instructions to continue:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Lost In The Supermarket

I got groceries for just myself last night and I felt really lost. It was kind of weird. I haven't really had to cook for myself for more than one or two meals in years. I don't really like cooking that much anyway. I like eating food a lot (perhaps too much) but I don't enjoy the whole process. I tend to like to make things like chili where you can just throw everything in and let it cook for a while. Right now, I just don't have the mental energy to focus on it too much anyway. So I was standing there in the aisles, trying to come up with stuff that was easy to make. I settled on instant organic brown rice, super lean hamburger patties (these are 3 points each, very awesome, yay TJs), some vegetables, a frozen rice bowl, rice wine vinegar, plus my usual salads for lunch and cereal for breakfast. I'm going out to eat a few nights this week anyway. I have to say that if cost and calories were no issue, I would get take-out from Whole Foods every night of my life, or maybe have gourmet meals delivered to my house.

I have been contemplating dating. Like, do I really want to go on a bazillion dates again? Because that's my style, go out on a bazillion dates with random strangers and hope I meet someone that I like. Or at least, that's been my style in the past. Now, I'm thinking of being more selective of even those whom I go out with for coffee. Going on bad dates can be incredibly amusing, for the purposes of storytelling, but it's a total drag on one's emotional resources. I deal with enough idiocy in work and life; do I really need to add more? I think that whole myth of meeting someone through friends is just that, a myth. I guess I'm pretty confused now anyway, don't really want to start something serious in this mental state.

Monday Miscellany

Damn, they just recalled the dry cat food that my cats like the best. In fact, Teddy was just eating some this morning. And playing soccer with it. He loves to just knock the little pieces all over the place.

The whole living alone thing is odd. I lived alone from 23-29, so it's not like I can't get used to it again. But there were certain things that I left to the boyfriend, like cleaning the dishes, and now I realize that I can't just leave crap in the sink. I'm glad that I made the second bathroom the cats' bathroom. This morning, Teddy came into my bathroom after I took my shower and was kind of looking for his litterbox, but thankfully didn't take a crap in the corner where it had been. I know Kiki is smart about that stuff, and I know Teddy is curious, so I'm hoping we won't have any incidents. And perhaps at some time in the distant future, I can go back to having a rug in my bathroom without having to deal with it being peed or crapped on.

Oh, sometime last week, I saw the guy that I think was my old roommate. I was pulling out to get Mexican food for dinner, and he was pulling in. I saw him seated in his car, and thought, oh no, that's not him, but then I saw him getting out of his car, and the way he walked, and thought it must be him. I backed up and stopped and looked at him in my rear view mirror. Same lumbering walk. Who else would have that same walk? We didn't talk, but I'm pretty sure my random stopping would make it obvious that I noticed him. I remember him being pretty non-confrontational, so the odds of us actually talking unless I initiate are pretty slim.

Empress Dagny Interviews Me

Here are my answers, YRH.

1. What is your ideal size?
I'm not sure if she means "dress size" or something else. This reminds me of something my grandmother used to say, "Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and wow." I think ideally dress size wise, I would like to be a size 6. Though quite frankly, never having been below 10 as an adult, I'm not sure. I want to see how I would look and feel before I said for sure.

2. Do you have a favorite cat? If so, which and why?
The cat I we had at home when I was in high school was always my favorite cat until I met Kiki. He was all black like Teddy and he just had a special mellow personality. I always felt that unlike everyone else in my life in high school, he accepted me for whom I was, and was grateful for me for what I did for him.

Now, Kiki is my favorite cat. I fell in love with her little angry picture. She's a combination of bitchy cat and total sweetheart, similar to how I think I am. I like how she can be so sweet and gentle most of the time, but when she gets pissed off, she meows and expresses herself.

3. Which blogger would you like to trade places with for a day?
Probably Crazy Aunt Purl because she's so freaking wise. Or at the very least, I wouldn't mind being able to have the wisdom and perspective that she has about things. Though it would be to have a night out on the town as Empress Dagny does, dancing and partying and free drinks and getting home in the wee hours of the morning.

4. Now that you are single once more, what is your first big plan?
My first big plan was actually moving both litterboxes into one bathroom, and I took care of that today. Ideally I would like to get my second bedroom setup better so I could have guests. And unpack more stuff, put more stuff away. Get used to living alone again.

5. Socal or Norcal?

Oh man, that's a really hard one. I go back and forth on that one a lot, particularly now that I am unattached. Most of my good friends live in LA. I love going down there. I do find the people in Norcal a lot more down to earth than most of the people in LA, but LA is way more exciting. I wish I had unlimited funds and could live in both places.

Here are the instructions to continue:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Strange Days

The thing I notice more than anything is that I seem to have more time. I realize I have more to do in terms of cleaning and cooking, but even more than that, I have lots of time. I'm not quite used to the freedom yet, it's almost overwhelming.

He came over today, to pick up some stuff but also to talk. I realize that I still care about him, and still attached to him. But his ideal outcome would be that he moves back in here, and I'm not ready for that. His living with his sister seems to be going well. She's forcing him to think about things, to start looking for job prospects, to get his life back on track. All the stuff that I couldn't and didn't want to do. I really have issues with having to do that kind of thing for anyone. I'm sure if I have kids, you have to do that to a certain degree, but more than that, you teach kids to motivate themselves. I don't want to be the whip-master behind anyone, least of all someone that I was dating.

I told him he could never move back here unless he could contribute to half of the rent. That was my final, non-negotiable answer. I don't know if at some point, if he could contribute financially, if I do still want to be living with him. I just don't know how I really feel. After having an almost five-year relationship, the thought of living alone, being totally single, spending the rest of my days alone - it frightens me. I know I could adjust to it, but I don't think I really want to. It would be easy to be involved with this man because I have been before, because I still feel a lot for him. It would be harder to date and date and meet people and eventually adjust to someone else. But I could still do that too.

I realize that I need to do what is best for me, and I'm not sure what is. But that I want to be happy and fulfilled in my life and relationships. I'm not totally sure what will get me to that point. I don't feel like I need to get married or procreate right away, no time pressure. So I have some time and room to figure some of this stuff out.

I had a long day yesterday. I did my monthly training at the Humane Society. Thankfully I only had four people to teach and I didn't miss any of the important points while I was teaching them. I got in and told the lead trainer what had happened. I don't see it as a total "get out of jail free" card but I wanted to explain if I did go off the rails, why I did. I definitely feel distracted at the least. The lead trainer and I sat around talking about relationships for a while after the class, and then his wife came. They were both very friendly and kind to me, listening and just talking about their own relationship a little, without offering me advice.

You know, that's what everyone has done with me so far, be kind and listen, but not offer advice. Haha, maybe I just want someone to tell me what to do. That in some ways is the hardest part of being an adult, no one is going to tell you what to do. There are certain things you have to deal with (as my father's father used to say, the only things they can make me do are death and taxes), but you have a total freedom other than those few things. I can do whatever I want, when I figure out what I want.

Perhaps The First Of A Billion Posts

I just forgot what it's like to be single and right now, it seems like I have so much time. If he were here, I'd be thinking oh good, I get to go to sleep in a few hours. But now, I'm thinking, oh what am I going to do? So I am doing laundry. I put together this diffuser my friend S gave me a year ago (thanks to help from Teddy) and am enjoying the scent of sandalwood. And I'm watching The Daily Show on TV. And reading a book (Miles Errant by Lois McMaster Bujold). And using the computer. And wondering if I can listen to the LOST podcast at the same time as watching Jon Stewart. Dude, I think I forgot that I was a Gemini. The only thing I'm not really ready to do is eat. My stomach just doesn't feel up to it yet. I went to Whole Foods, and got some ready-made stuff, which I'm sure will last me through the weekend.

I got home, and the boyfriend had already called his sister, and was headed over to her house for dinner. Not just tonight, in fact, she said he can stay there for a while and take care of her kid and stuff. I don't know, not the best scenario for him, but quite frankly that's not my problem anymore. In fact, I need to make that my mantra, not my problem. I don't really need to be concerned about his feelings right now. Not my problem. Or how he gets his life together. Also, not my problem.

The title refers to the fact that I'm going to be having a lot of crap going on now and will be using my blog (even more than usual) as a sounding board for some of that. Thanks to all of you for your lovely comments and for my friends for all their support. Thanks to my mom (who doesn't read this blog) for letting me cry on the phone for a while. Thanks to those of you who had thought I should have done this months (years?) ago and aren't saying "about damned time." Also, thanks to my friend Jen (who also doesn't read this blog) who has called me about five times today. I feel more alone than I've been in a long time, but in a way, I know I'm not.

I Say Goodbye

I broke up with the boyfriend last night. I just hit a wall this week, realizing that this relationship is not going anywhere that I want to go, and he's not ever going to be the person I want to be with. And I've spent too much time and energy putting way too much into this, and it's not worth it to me anymore. I feel sad because I'm losing a friend, but I feel happy knowing that I have new things ahead of me.

I asked him to move out by the end of the month. And I told him that he can't take Teddy with him. When I told him that, Teddy was sitting on his lap, snuggling, and I felt like a real bitch. But quite frankly, someone who can't take care of himself, can't take care of a pet, and I know Teddy will have a better home with me. There is no question that Kiki is staying with me at all. He wouldn't even suggest that. Kiki and Teddy are actually starting to get along now that Teddy is almost a year old. I saw her kind of putting her face next to him last night, almost like she was giving him a kiss.

Anyway, I have emails to write, people to call, and most importantly, a life to live. I realized that no one can make my life better for me, that I have to do it myself. I have thought before, oh I don't know if I can do this alone, but look at me. I've been supporting two people alone, making decisions for two people alone, organizing and moving forward alone. It's time for me to really be alone for a while.

Though I have to say, I'm way looking forward to dating. I'm already thinking of signing up for eHarmony or something. I like the idea of having someone that I'm compatible with. Though quite frankly, I find any man with a job attractive at this point. Time to stop making moon-eyes at the cashier at the supermarket and time to get on with my life.

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut died. From a fall in his home. Wasn't that how Octavia Butler died as well? Literature has lost one of its most creative minds. I guess though, the whole thing about being a fantastic writer, is your writing lives on.

Know When To Say When

I feel like I've almost had it with the boyfriend. I am still working this out in my mind, not sure, but it's been four months since he's had any income, and everything just drags. He wants me to make decisions about how he does things, and I just want him to get money and work it out himself. I'm tired of feeling like the one who does all the work and keeps things together. That's for a parent-child relationship, not a supposedly equal romantic one. I finally broke down and wrote his sister about how I felt. Her response was to look for a job for him. I think she just didn't totally get my point, which is that, at his age, he should be doing this stuff himself.

I told him last night that I need him to be an adult, and he got really offended by that. But in getting offended, doesn't it make him realize there is truth in that? That adults, each in their own way, makes their way in the world and manages to get their shit together in one way or another. Even if one person in the couple takes care of the home and kids, that's something that both people have agreed to do. It's not a "oh money is coming soon" every week.

Cottage Cheese and Fruit

Everything was closed on Easter, so we didn't end up grocery shopping. I took cut up fruit and cottage cheese for lunch, and that ended up being a great lunch. I need to have a filling lunch, even though I do have morning and afternoon snacks, I hate being starving by 5 PM. It's now 3:15 and I haven't needed my afternoon snack yet. Yay. On Monday, it's particularly critical because I'm always hungrier during the day at work. Why? I don't know if it's boredom, having to wake up early and be alert all day, or what. Anyway, cottage cheese and fruit makes a good lunch, but I'll be glad when I get salads for the rest of the week.

I have a bit of a wardrobe dilemma, namely, I can't fit into any of my thinner clothes but I'm starting to look like crap in my fatter clothes. I have this Lane Bryant 18/20 shirt on now, and I bought it because it was big on me and I could hide behind it. Well, now it's too big on me and it looks like one of those "Flashdance" kind of shirts, hanging off either shoulder and I should have a tank top underneath. What a feeling! I guess I could go through my closet and see if any of my other stuff fits better. I'm embarrassed to say that I have a lot of these shirts now that are too big. I don't want to sit around regretting not having started to lose weight instead of buying more big shirts to hide behind.

Also, my one pair of jeans is ripping in the butt area. I don't know how some people end up with jeans that rip on the knees or in some "cool" place and mine always end up ripping at the crotch or butt. I suppose some of the current problem with the current jeans was shoving my big butt in them. Even now that my butt is smaller, they still threaten to rip further and show my dainty unmentionables to way more of an audience than I want them to have. But I don't really want to buy a new pair of jeans now. It's not too hard to think that I might be able to squeeze into some of my thinner jeans (though, I know I'm a ways from those size 10s) soon. Dilemma.

Morning With Perky

Yesterday, our usual WW leader wasn't there, and we had a substitute name Perky. Honestly, that's what she said her name was. And her name tag said Perky. She said it wasn't a nickname. It made me think, who names their child that? Can you imagine if you were named Perky? It would make you have to be a happier nicer person, I think. We were all sitting there in this morning meeting, tired and grumpy, and there was Perky waking us all up. She is a pretty cheery person. I'm just glad she wasn't my mom or anything, because having to deal with a perky person like that every day would be too much.

I had Good Friday off at work because some of our higher ups are Catholic, so the whole company gets the day off. When you get a holiday off that no one else gets, it's a great day to go to the mall or go to the movies. Instead, I slept very late, read a while, then took a nap. Finally the boyfriend and I dragged ourselves to Costco. Lazy day.

I just read On Beauty by Zadie Smith which was great. I read so many mysteries and thrillers; it's different to read something with a lot of ideas and important things to say. I really liked her first book, White Teeth, a lot as well. On Beauty is roughly based on E. M. Forster's Howard's End, not my favorite by him but still a great book. I know Smith is British, but she captures a lot of American life very well. The boyfriend had to read it for a class last quarter, so that's why we had a copy sitting around. While I was reading it, I had the same feeling I had in college, what am I going to write my paper on, what am I going to say in class. I wasn't really a great student, but I was very good at writing papers. It was an odd experience to have my mind start going in that direction again. I've been out of school for almost 12 years now.

"Cholera, Get Yur Cholera Heer"

You're Love in the Time of Cholera!

by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Like Odysseus in a work of Homer, you demonstrate undying loyalty by
sleeping with as many people as you possibly can. But in your heart you never give
consent! This creates a strange quandary of what love really means to you. On the
one hand, you've loved the same person your whole life, but on the other, your actions
barely speak to this fact. Whatever you do, stick to bottled water. The other stuff
could get you killed.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Time On My Hands

Since I got my eyes dilated earlier today, I still can't really read. It's just kind of ridiculous how much I enjoy reading and looking at stuff. Even turning on the TV seems too hard until my pupils finally contract and I can once again focus my eyes. I look like I'm in a constant state of surprise. The plus side is that my eyes look fine and my contacts fit perfectly.

Yesterday when I got home, Kiki was hanging out in the blue box that Teddy thinks of as his.

"Possession is nine-tenths of the law, tuna breath."

"I'm just going to lie here and work on my plan for revenge, or maybe take a nap."

"You'd like to pet this fluffy tummy, but it's way out of your reach."

More Fun Than a Bag of Hammers

Every muscle in my body is aching for no real reason. My legs were extremely sore from standing all day yesterday, and today when I woke up, my arms joined them. And as I said, no real reason. Not like I did any intensive workouts recently. I think it's just PMS-related. Not like I'm looking forward to menopause, but damn I hate this. I have already had a few days of grumpiness (more than usual) and now this. Also, I went to the mall to pick up a pair of free undies at Victoria's Secret (thanks to a coupon my mom sent me) and I started sweating. All right, hot flashes. I think it was a combo of having wet hair and just hormones, but it was too annoying.

Eh, quit yer bitchin'! Other than the weird pain, I am having a good weekend. Yesterday at the Humane Society was a little stressful because there was this one cat who seemed pretty ill to me and it took a while for me to get one of the vets to take a look at her, but they finally did. I swear, the kitty seemed grateful to me afterwards, purring and nuzzling me as if to thank me. I know we all personify animals in weird ways, but I do think she got that I was trying to help her. And me cleaning her vomit a few times, well, she was probably happy for that. Who wants to sit in a cage with that? Note to KJ: better to do it where there is running water.

I have to get my eyes dilated going to the eye doctor on Tuesday, so I decided to take the whole day off. The boyfriend told me about this regret management thing. Would I regret more not going to work or going to work? Uh, when you put it like that, total no brainer. I have to get him to drive me to and from my appointment anyway and it would be easier for him to be on time if I am around waking him up and all that.