Passive-Agressive

Just a note, boss, when you are smiling big and bossing me around, or micromanaging me through IMs with smiley faces, that is what we call "passive-aggressive." It is pretty insulting since I'm not a two year old who needs to be manipulated by fake kindness and I'm mostly nauseated.

Thanks,
FC

Cleaning House

I woke up in my own bed today. I think this is the first Sunday that I've woken up in my own bed since right after I got back from Spain. It seems to be my pattern, spending Saturday nights at C's, and then we wake up Sunday and get breakfast. But he had a big motorcycle thing to go to today, and I certainly have lots of stuff to do around the house. I just spent about an hour cleaning, and I probably could put in at least another hour of doing stuff and maybe do some laundry. Do I feel like doing it, not particularly, but since my dad is visiting next week, I want things to look presentable. I don't think my dad will be particularly critical of my house being messy but if it is, I have less room to critique his house when I next see it.

I never really did any cleaning until my ex moved out a few years ago. I would wipe things down on occasion, and clean the toilets and bathtub, but that was about it. Of course, I didn't have cats back then. Once he moved out, I got a Dyson and started cleaning once a week. Vacuuming once a week helps with the epic levels of fur (particularly during summer time when they shed a lot) and then I have to clean the cats' bathroom frequently, and recently I've got into using the Swiffer WetJet on the floors after I vacuum. I can easily spend an hour maintaining just this baseline clean, and would like to do more. I do feel a bit lazy at the moment, now that I'm resting, but I'm sure I'll get back into it in a few.

What "They" Eat and What I'm Eating

So I've been going to Weight Watchers at Work for a while now. Actually, I've done two sessions, and each session is about seventeen weeks or something, so it's been a while. I lost about thirty pounds before my Spain trip, then kind of stalled out, and the weight crept back on a bit, and lately I'm trying to push myself to be motivated, to actually write down what I eat and work on exercising more than I am currently (which is, like, me counting cleaning my house once a week as exercise, and that's it). Not having a goal of an upcoming trip, it's a little hard to motivate. Also already having a boyfriend makes it a little hard, because I'm less worried about attracting a mate by making myself look thinner. But really, I am trying to focus on eating better foods, and feeling better and more energetic, making sure I get enough vegetables and fruits. The Weight Watchers Point System really does make it easy to motivate to eat plenty of veggies and fruits because they are low in points and you can eat many of them every day.

Weight Watchers has some really good points. You can eat real foods based on what kind of things you like, not all prepared foods or food group restrictions. They do encourage following their "good health guidelines," which involve the aforementioned fruits and veggies in addition to eating some healthy oils, low or nonfat milk sources, and drinking fluids (they changed the "drinking water" to "drinking fluids" this year, but I still drink water). And the points system is pretty easy to get the hang out of, and even if you don't buy their overpriced books or pay for the online system, it's not too hard to go online and look up the points value of everything you'd like to eat. Also Weight Watchers really incorporates a lot of cognitive therapy type techniques in not just changing what food you are putting in your body, but what thoughts you are putting in your mind as well.

Luckily my group here at work is pretty knowledgeable and doesn't tie the time up with dumb questions, but I've been in the group before where someone asked "if one cup of rice is four points, how many points is two cups of rice?" Seriously. I think in the case of that person, needing to lose weight should be the least of her concerns. One of my favorites was also someone who asked the leader, "how many points is an apple?" The leader said, very nicely, we give you those books to look stuff like that up yourself.

So our session is coming to an end, and they are asking us to look around and see if we could find anyone around us who would want to join up because if we don't get fifteen people for these meetings, we can't have them. But I really wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone to join with me. And not just because it would seem like I'm calling them fat. I think some of the messages of Weight Watchers are very mixed, because there is always talk of a direct correlation between being healthy and being at goal weight, and I don't think the two are as necessarily linked as they'd like us to believe. There is also a lot of talk of "others" who aren't on the program, discussing what "they" are eating and how fat "they" are and that sort of thing that just rankles me. I think there are plenty of people out there who are happy the way they are, and eating what they want to eat, and don't need to be shamed or pointed out as some sort of example. Weight Watchers meetings spend a lot of time talking about other people and other diets that don't work, which I find frustrating (and often not true, because the whole concept of a diet "working" is a bit vague, I mean, a diet that you can follow, whatever it is, whether or not you are trying to lose weight or whatever, is a good diet for you, and I'm just responsible for what I put into my mouth, not what you put in yours).

Every once in a while, in my weekly meetings, I feel like arguing with someone, particularly my leader. My leader who is just a nice, sweet, middle-aged lady who lost 40 lbs a few years ago and is keeping it off and trying to applaud us. But the more I hear her talk about her own struggles, the more issues I realize that she also has with her weight. Even at goal weight, she has weeks where she's put on a few pounds, and has to go back to tracking. Sometimes those discussions of "those" people who eat whatever they want, well, that's just jealousy talking. Because my leader knows that to stay at her weight, she's going to have to watch what she eats for life. And she's so driven, so frustrated with herself sometimes. It kind of makes me more sympathetic to her. I'd rather be happy than pushing myself into a situation that is near impossible just so I can stay at a particular number on the scale.

My Little Crack Problem

I had a busy day on Saturday. I was running around, filled in at the Humane Society for a few hours, and then was coming home to get ready to change and go to Kailyn's bday party and then down to C's after that. So I was carrying a bunch of stuff in my hands, including a bag of cans of cat food and my iPhone, and then in a second, the iPhone slipped out of my hand, and onto the concrete. Great right, I have a case so the back won't get scratched. Um, except it fell right on the front, on the screen, and cracked. And cracked. At a certain point, I was thinking that pieces were going to go falling off of it. I called AT&T which told me to go to the Apple Store to get it looked at. I ended up having to go to the Apple Store that was further away at a mall I'd never been to, because they had appointments available. The "genius" took one look at my poor phone and basically said it was DOA and I'd have to get a new one. Thankfully they only charged me the basic AT&T price, not the list price, but still that was a crapload of money that I didn't need to spend. Particularly since I'd only had my other phone for about a week before completely fucking it up, putting that cost per day on it to about 60 bucks a day.

I didn't really feel like I had a choice about replacing it, because it was growing non-functional and I was pretty sure the bits from the cracked screen were going to chip off and fall into my ear or something. And just having one for a week, well, I didn't want to be without it. And it's not like it wouldn't cost me money to have to get some other phone to work, even if it wasn't a pricey iPhone. And I'd miss the functionality and features of the iPhone, not to mention having all my contact information for friends finally in one place. I got a new one. Then the next day, I got a case, a screen protector sheet, plus another leather case to hold it together. And I think after one mishap, I won't have another one. Still, it would have been better to avoid such problems.

Nurturing the Inner Child

I had a one-on-one therapy session yesterday. I actually think that my therapist wants to work one on one with people who are more screwed up than me, and I don't really have that much to talk about. One thing about her is that she is very goal-oriented, very organized, and wants to have an agenda of things to focus on, and not just sit and listen to stories and babble. She's big on the "what does that mean?" instead of the "how does that make you feel?" So I made a short list of things to talk about before I came in, and we talked for about an hour. She attended some group thing a few weeks ago about personal myths, and what your personal myth of yourself is. Think back, to when you were eight or ten years old, what did you want to be? How did you see your life? What was important to you? And then, how different is your life now? The theory to this is that we are living someone else's myth of how we should be, usually our parents, and not our own ideas of what would make us happy.

The whole concept of inner-child sounds kind of 70s to me, and some part of me automatically rejects anything that is too 70s because of when I grew up and my disdain for "that kind of thing" but then I started thinking about it a little more, and maybe it's not such a bad idea. Start thinking about the person I'd be without the voices telling me that I couldn't do this or that, that I should do this other thing. I remember so much disdain about my skills when I was a teenager, especially in college, and all the family members saying shit like "how will you ever get a job if you don't major in something practical?" I think listening to other people's fears like that was very limiting, and made me feel like I was somehow useless and that what I wanted to do wouldn't be practical. And, I majored in what I wanted anyway, and ended up getting a job right out of college, and have managed to support myself since then. And I'm living at least 350 miles away from family members, which made it easier for me to walk away from those limiting ideas they had.

My therapist told me about ten things I could work on, and I thought I'd just do this one first, my inner child. Thinking about what she wanted that she didn't get, what kind of messages that were told to her that were hurtful, and how to replace those with helpful, gentle, soothing messages. Reprogramming myself, as it were.

Anxiety Lifting

I've been in a really good mood lately. I wouldn't say that I have zero anxiety, but the level seems so low that it's almost negligible. Anxiety is one of those things that I never really understood until I had it myself, because my mom had panic attacks all the time when I was a kid, and I couldn't comprehend why she didn't just take a deep breath and relax. Doesn't work that way, sadly. Anyway, I feel like the height of my anxiety level was sometime in the middle of my relationship with my ex, and we were traveling for KJ's wedding, and I was driving everywhere on rainy roads to places I didn't know, and he was offering me no assistance. In any way. And it was expensive, and I had little money at the time, and I just felt pulled in every direction. Lately, I feel kind of at the opposite end of that. Well, there are issues and problems and whatnot, but I don't feel them stressing me out, and getting rid of my ex was such a huge burden lifter. Also, meeting someone that I really like, and having this relationship that so far seems really good, that has greatly reduced my anxiety.

The annoying thing though is that I haven't been anxious or depressed at all, but I've been kind of groggy often lately. I was talking about it in therapy, trying to figure out why I was tired all the time, and started to realize that I just have a lot less free time than I used to. I see C every weekend, and in between that, I'm also doing my other weekend stuff like volunteering and seeing people. Then in addition, I end up doing a lot of my cleaning and grocery shopping during the week. The actual amount of free time I have is less. But I like spending as much time with C as I am doing, and I like having a clean house, so I'm thinking about how I'm going to manage it all, and also make some effort to get in some regular exercise during the week as well.

Got My iPhone

And two calls and one in store visit later, it's finally up and running. Woohoo. I'll post more later but just wanted to note this fabulous event. Teehee. It's a 16gig 3GS in white.

Expectation Frustration

I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks, because I didn't go the week of my birthday and then last week, my therapist was sick. I feel almost like I need to just go into the group and do the equivalent of a data dump, get rid of all my weird angsty feelings about everything. In typing that, I am thinking I wish I had a better way to do it, a sort of emotional black box that I could drop off somewhere. I guess having a paper diary is kind of like that. A blog not so much, because there is an audience there.

I feel some frustrations sometimes with my relationship with C, and I know so much of it is just my past history. My ex R was the kind who would tell you everything (and then some) of how he was thinking, feeling, etc, and most people, most men, including C, aren't like that at all. I'm left having to just look at his actions instead of his words, which is more challenging, and I think somewhat open to interpretation. Also, after being in a long term relationship where we were living together, I tend to want to go back into a long term relationship living with someone. But I think you can't just say to someone, "this is a long term relationship" and you need to take it day by day, week by week, without expecting anything specific.

So, I find myself trying to be open-minded, manage my expectations, and take things slowly. Sometimes I feel like my heart (or whatever it is) is a giant sloppy dog on a leash, and I find myself grabbing the leash tightly so I don't get so carried away. I make the choke-chain motion with my fist, and it reminds me that I need to take things slowly. Doesn't keep my frustration at bay, but at least it keeps me from acting like too much of a spaz.

Family Matters

If you are in therapy enough, and lord knows that I've been in therapy for long enough, you end up talking about your parents. Because let's face it, no one can fuck you up the way your parents can. I would think that blaming stuff on your parents is pretty much inevitable at one point or another, but when you are getting into therapy, they end up being the root cause of everything according to some therapists.

That caveat said, well, I do think a lot of my issues in relating to men have to do with my strange relationship with my dad. I have, in the past, tended to date guys that are similar to my dad. Emotionally unavailable. Anti-social. Self-centered. Very critical but then very sensitive to when someone tries to criticize him. The worst of these was probably my last ex who pretty much was a younger, less functional version of my dad. So was it any wonder that my dad loved my ex? They got along so well that I felt like I could just leave the two of them alone together for a day and they'd get along just fine.

In liking my ex, I think my dad glazed over some salient facts, including the fact that my ex never had a job and was basically living off me, that my ex treated me crappily at times, criticizing me and emotionally manipulating me, and that my ex was the kind of guy who would try to monopolize conversations and not really listen to other people when they said anything. (That last one, my dad is famous for that, and that's why I usually have something else going on when I'm talking to him.)

I'm not sure how one deals with that, because I've unpacked it enough and come to the conclusion that my dad is whom he is. My therapist would encourage some sort of confrontation or at least a "this is how I feel" about things, and sometimes I've tried that before, but I think my dad is just at a level where he isn't going to get any of that, and is either going to laugh it off or ignore it and change the subject. And even if we did talk about our relationship, I'm not really sure how well that would go because he himself has so many unresolved issues about his parents.

Why am I bringing this up today? Because my dad is coming to visit next month, for the first time in over five years. He usually stays at a hotel, and this time I got him to stay at a hotel that is near my house, not near the airport. But I'm still going to have some amount of time where I have to come up with things for us to do. And conversations. And in addition to that, I told my dad that I want to introduce him to a friend of mine. This is pretty much the first time I mentioned C to him, other than some discussions of "someone" loaning me some books when I was last in LA. Because even though I'm thirty-six, my dad doesn't really deal with the idea of me dating very well. And I will say that he got along fine with my ex, but he was openly hostile to a college boyfriend and basically ignored another boyfriend I introduced him to.

So, I want to introduce my dad and C, but in some way, if they don't get along, that is just fine and it improves C's rating. But how do I end up telling C something like that without coming off as a humongous bitch? I guess I can spell out my relationship with my dad to him in the next month, or just gloss over some of it, and maybe then have us meet for some kind of loud entertainment like seeing a movie, which won't involve too much conversing.

Party Poopers

Had my birthday "party" at Maggiano's last weekend, and I think I'm over the party thing. It really wasn't that much effort to organize, and despite some last minute flaking by a nameless guest, well, it ended up being the right amount of people, the food was good, the wine was good, and everyone seemed to have fun. But it still seemed like too much work for me somehow, and I ended up feeling like I would have been better served doing individual things with people or not doing anything since I already had a really good actual day of my birthday with C. I'm not really sure why I was feeling that way. I used to love to be the center of attention, and having my birthday day was one way to do that. At least, that's how it was when I was a kid. Now, well, I've realized that not only is it easy to get the spotlight, and I don't always relish it, well having a birthday dinner doesn't necessarily mean you are the center of attention anyway. In fact, there is something about introducing all your friends to each other that ends up taking you out of the equation.

There have been a few times in my life when I've had a circle of friends, mostly in high school and in college, but lately my friends are primarily discrete and I like having it that way. This way, I can see people when I want but not feel obligated to invite everyone. Also I feel like I connect better to people in small groups or one on one, and that when I'm talking to a group of people I'm either lecturing or listening to someone lecture and not really connecting. And also, I admit, a certain paranoid sector of my mind thinks that when two of my friends are talking privately, they are talking about me. And you know, sometimes that happens, particularly when I was with my ex, where my friends would talk about the situation behind my back. I ended up snapping at them for doing this because it made me uncomfortable.

So, I was kind of thinking of doing a moratorium on feeling like I need to celebrate my birthday in a big way. Then again, it is only the first week of June, and I basically have a whole year to go until my next birthday and I very well could end up changing my mind (and then changing it back), so I should probably just table the idea for at least 2009. And my next birthday, 37, seems to be one of those odd in-between years with little to be too excited about.

I did get to trot C out for inspection by friends, and thus far haven't heard anything negative about him, but admittedly, he was pretty quiet. I think the whole situation is a little bit intimidating to someone who is basically something of an introvert, to be introduced to all those people chattering away, and occasionally being put on the spot for some teasings, and well, I think he did fine. I do think about the issue of the whole "do your friends like your boyfriend?" a lot because my friends primarily did not like my last boyfriend but didn't really feel comfortable telling me until that relationship was pretty much over. I know that for long periods in that relationship, I was repressing my uncomfort and denying his abusive behaviors, but I wish I had listened to more of what my friends were saying about him. I want to feel like I'm learning lessons here, but I'm not sure if swinging in the other direction is really a good idea. Any thoughts on that? How much do your friends influence your romantic choices?