I was contemplating of writing a post about my overly emotional weekend, but I don't know if I need to repeat that. Suffice to say, everything is fine. And hormones suck. I really do think that I should be able to wear a hat that says "proceed with caution" and then people could be nicer to me. Though I know from years of therapy that it's not that people are just doing what they are going to do, and it's really all about my reaction to them. But seriously, would it kill some of the mean people to take a day or two off?
One week until Thanksgiving. And I finally convinced C that I'm spending it with him. Not sure what is going to happen, possibly hanging out with his "family" which is really friends of his family, and that is fine with me. They like me. Middle-aged people love me. Families love me. It's one of those things, I cut back on the swearing and tell enough jokes, and there you go.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Falling Down
It amuses me to title this after the Michael Douglas movie in the early 90s, you know the one where he somehow makes it from what looks like east LA but seems more like the south areas by the airport to Venice in one day. Um yeah. I'm sure if you've never been in LA, that all seems perfectly logical.
I've been feeling kind of blah and blue lately. And I am pretty sure that it's just a seasonal issue, mostly with daylight savings time and how it is dark when I leave work. I freaking hate that. It's probably coupled with the fact that my neighbors keep parking their trucks too close to my spot and I feel once I get home, I just don't want to leave. Ever. I remember feeling like this last year, and we still have a month to go until the days keep getting longer again. I was meant to live closer to the equator, I think.
The tights that I was wearing today were falling down. I'm not really sure what the problem was, perhaps the elastic at the top, because they went from staying on my hips to somehow having the crotch around my knees. I tend to have a problem with pantyhose type things fitting me because my legs are disproportionately short compared to the rest of my torso, and maybe if I were a size 2 that wouldn't matter, but since I'm not I either have pantyhose that are too tight or too long in the crotch or I need to pull them right up under my bra strap like old man pants. I don't know what I expect from tights that were only four dollars at Target, maybe a little more use before they started falling down.
I've been feeling kind of blah and blue lately. And I am pretty sure that it's just a seasonal issue, mostly with daylight savings time and how it is dark when I leave work. I freaking hate that. It's probably coupled with the fact that my neighbors keep parking their trucks too close to my spot and I feel once I get home, I just don't want to leave. Ever. I remember feeling like this last year, and we still have a month to go until the days keep getting longer again. I was meant to live closer to the equator, I think.
The tights that I was wearing today were falling down. I'm not really sure what the problem was, perhaps the elastic at the top, because they went from staying on my hips to somehow having the crotch around my knees. I tend to have a problem with pantyhose type things fitting me because my legs are disproportionately short compared to the rest of my torso, and maybe if I were a size 2 that wouldn't matter, but since I'm not I either have pantyhose that are too tight or too long in the crotch or I need to pull them right up under my bra strap like old man pants. I don't know what I expect from tights that were only four dollars at Target, maybe a little more use before they started falling down.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Just Another Tuesday
I was just thinking about how it's been two months since I've had group therapy. I would find myself on Tuesday afternoons trying to think of a good story for therapy, generally something related to my therapeutic process or my life. But not having thought that way for a few months, instead I was thinking of something random my walking partner said about her son looking kind of like that guy from Twilight and all these girls in his school having a crush on him. Which is no way related to anything I'd do in therapy. But it's funny.
Had an unpleasant blast from the past yesterday. Back when I was doing a massive dating thing, what, soon after I broke up with my ex, I ended up going on all kinds of dates and meeting all kinds of people for coffee. Most of them, I honestly barely remember. I am much better at remembering faces than names anyway, and I could probably break it down into "that weird looking guy with facial hair" and "the weird looking guy without facial hair." If that. I consider myself functional if I remember to wear undergarments on a daily basis, so remember stuff that happened a few years ago is just gravy.
So, when I got a random email from OKCupid supposedly from some guy I had gone out with for coffee, with no photo attached or no name, I was really perplexed. All that this guy included in the message was his phone number. Which I called from my desk at work, thinking that our PBX system blocked caller ID. I called, heard his voicemail with his name, remembered whom it was and that I wanted NOTHING to do with him, and proceeded to hang. Well, with the magic of caller ID he phoned me right back. So I picked up the phone and hung up. Then he called me again, and I let it go to my voicemail where he left a business-like sounding message, "I got a call from this number, call me back at my number." And then, when I didn't call him back, he tried me one more time and didn't leave a voicemail message.
I always wonder when someone falls out of the blue like that, what exactly is going on. I'm pretty sure it is just something to do with the person being horny. I could be flattered in the "oh he remembers me" but quite frankly I could care less. I barely remembered him, and what I did remember was somewhat creepy and inappropriate.
Had an unpleasant blast from the past yesterday. Back when I was doing a massive dating thing, what, soon after I broke up with my ex, I ended up going on all kinds of dates and meeting all kinds of people for coffee. Most of them, I honestly barely remember. I am much better at remembering faces than names anyway, and I could probably break it down into "that weird looking guy with facial hair" and "the weird looking guy without facial hair." If that. I consider myself functional if I remember to wear undergarments on a daily basis, so remember stuff that happened a few years ago is just gravy.
So, when I got a random email from OKCupid supposedly from some guy I had gone out with for coffee, with no photo attached or no name, I was really perplexed. All that this guy included in the message was his phone number. Which I called from my desk at work, thinking that our PBX system blocked caller ID. I called, heard his voicemail with his name, remembered whom it was and that I wanted NOTHING to do with him, and proceeded to hang. Well, with the magic of caller ID he phoned me right back. So I picked up the phone and hung up. Then he called me again, and I let it go to my voicemail where he left a business-like sounding message, "I got a call from this number, call me back at my number." And then, when I didn't call him back, he tried me one more time and didn't leave a voicemail message.
I always wonder when someone falls out of the blue like that, what exactly is going on. I'm pretty sure it is just something to do with the person being horny. I could be flattered in the "oh he remembers me" but quite frankly I could care less. I barely remembered him, and what I did remember was somewhat creepy and inappropriate.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
My Bike-Muscles Hurt
I'm currently exhausted. It was definitely one of those days where everything seems to take longer. I met a friend of mine from college for a bike riding lesson in Santa Cruz. I am sad to say that I never learned how to ride a bike. Well, I did some balancing and gliding and whatnot, and I feel like some of my fear of cracking my head open like a bunch of eggs is somewhat gone. It's definitely not one of those things that comes easy to me. It's funny, Heather said that if I should be able to do step aerobics, it can't be any harder than that. Well, hard in a different way. I think me feeling out of shape and lazy didn't help matters.
Then I came home, earlier than usual, from over the hill, and figured I'd stop and do some errands. And well, my ATM card wasn't working. Thanks Bank of America, for looking out for me, by randomly canceling my old card and sending me a new card in an unmarked envelope so I couldn't tell it was from you. And thanks for having me wait on hold for almost thirty minutes (well, to be fair, they did have to transfer me two times for some reason) to get what the answer was with that, and then find that random unmarked envelope and find my brand new card. Joy. I pretty much am sick of BofA's random "customer disservice" however, they seem to be one of the few stable banks left in this country, so we'll see.
I feel myself clinging to the last few hours of the weekend. The past few weeks at work have been far too long and few of the weekends have felt long enough. I have no concrete plans for Thanksgiving and some part of me just wants to vegetate for the four day weekend at home. I'm sure I'd get some feline assistance with day-long naps.
Then I came home, earlier than usual, from over the hill, and figured I'd stop and do some errands. And well, my ATM card wasn't working. Thanks Bank of America, for looking out for me, by randomly canceling my old card and sending me a new card in an unmarked envelope so I couldn't tell it was from you. And thanks for having me wait on hold for almost thirty minutes (well, to be fair, they did have to transfer me two times for some reason) to get what the answer was with that, and then find that random unmarked envelope and find my brand new card. Joy. I pretty much am sick of BofA's random "customer disservice" however, they seem to be one of the few stable banks left in this country, so we'll see.
I feel myself clinging to the last few hours of the weekend. The past few weeks at work have been far too long and few of the weekends have felt long enough. I have no concrete plans for Thanksgiving and some part of me just wants to vegetate for the four day weekend at home. I'm sure I'd get some feline assistance with day-long naps.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Breath of Fresh Air
I have been cold at work for a year and a half, since we moved into this building. I was cold in the other building, sure, but when we moved over here, we were told that we couldn't use space heaters anymore. And I had been running a space heater every day. Once we moved here, I couldn't turn mine on. And thanks to my boss, I couldn't even plug it in. The one or two times I tried to plug it in, she'd come into my cube and unplug it.
So I complained. I complained to my boss. I complained to our admins. I complained to Facilities. In this process, people would ask if other people in the area also felt cold. The answer was always no. What was the problem with me? I mean, it must be me, right? Though I noticed that the only time I was ever feeling cold was when I was at work, and at home, in the car, at other people's homes, at restaurants, I never felt that bone-chilling cold that I feel at work.
A few weeks ago, I finally ascertained where the cold was coming from. And was able to point directionally to the A/C guy who came out from Facilities. And he discovered there was a big hole in the floor. Yes, a hole, where the cords came up, and a spout of cold air was hitting me directly. Every day. For a year and a half. And then as soon as he found it, he went out and found something to plug up the hole.
I felt somewhat vindicated.
So I complained. I complained to my boss. I complained to our admins. I complained to Facilities. In this process, people would ask if other people in the area also felt cold. The answer was always no. What was the problem with me? I mean, it must be me, right? Though I noticed that the only time I was ever feeling cold was when I was at work, and at home, in the car, at other people's homes, at restaurants, I never felt that bone-chilling cold that I feel at work.
A few weeks ago, I finally ascertained where the cold was coming from. And was able to point directionally to the A/C guy who came out from Facilities. And he discovered there was a big hole in the floor. Yes, a hole, where the cords came up, and a spout of cold air was hitting me directly. Every day. For a year and a half. And then as soon as he found it, he went out and found something to plug up the hole.
I felt somewhat vindicated.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Relatively Unscathed
So, the day after I posted that, my period came. I've been feeling kind of hellacious ever since, as though a five days of waiting made it much worse. I feel pretty much like I've been napping most of the weekend and could easily go to bed really early tonight. I think some of my napping powers are acquired from hanging out with cats as a hobby since they are champion sleepers.
I finally got rid of my cable service. I hadn't really been watching it much in the last few months, mostly watching stuff online, and I got to a point where I wasn't even turning it on to have a background noise (welcome to the world of living alone, that is what we do here). I called in and went through a song and dance on the phone to get it terminated then I had to go in person to drop off the box. While I was talking to them, both on the phone and in person, it seemed as though they were offering me the same service I have had for years for about half of the price. Which pisses me off further with Comcast. Because all signs point to me having paid way too much for way too long. I resisted the temptation to try to renew. Not saying I'll never get cable again, but I don't foresee it anytime soon.
After I dropped off my cable box, I drove over to Supercuts. My last haircut which I did myself ended up being a little weird and disastrous, as there were some odd strands that were too long and didn't fit in with anything else. So, I got a haircut and not just a trim, but an actual hairstyle that looks pretty cute. They also do waxing, so I got my brows waxed as well. I used to go with Heather to a woman who was a professional waxer, and she did a really great thorough job, but even having this cheap wax at Supercuts made a huge difference. I'm going to make some effort to stay on top of that. I think the thing about being in a relationship for a while, I tend to slack on some of the grooming things and really only shave my legs once a month. But I realize it wouldn't be too tragic to look a little more put together.
Oh yeah, and right now, the sun is setting and it's still about 75 degrees. And late October. I love California weather.
I finally got rid of my cable service. I hadn't really been watching it much in the last few months, mostly watching stuff online, and I got to a point where I wasn't even turning it on to have a background noise (welcome to the world of living alone, that is what we do here). I called in and went through a song and dance on the phone to get it terminated then I had to go in person to drop off the box. While I was talking to them, both on the phone and in person, it seemed as though they were offering me the same service I have had for years for about half of the price. Which pisses me off further with Comcast. Because all signs point to me having paid way too much for way too long. I resisted the temptation to try to renew. Not saying I'll never get cable again, but I don't foresee it anytime soon.
After I dropped off my cable box, I drove over to Supercuts. My last haircut which I did myself ended up being a little weird and disastrous, as there were some odd strands that were too long and didn't fit in with anything else. So, I got a haircut and not just a trim, but an actual hairstyle that looks pretty cute. They also do waxing, so I got my brows waxed as well. I used to go with Heather to a woman who was a professional waxer, and she did a really great thorough job, but even having this cheap wax at Supercuts made a huge difference. I'm going to make some effort to stay on top of that. I think the thing about being in a relationship for a while, I tend to slack on some of the grooming things and really only shave my legs once a month. But I realize it wouldn't be too tragic to look a little more put together.
Oh yeah, and right now, the sun is setting and it's still about 75 degrees. And late October. I love California weather.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Late
My period is four days late. After a day or two well, we can all see a day or two variation right, but four days. I look at everything as a sign. Oh I'm extra hungry, maybe I'm pregnant. Oh I feel tired all day, maybe I'm pregnant (and have been pregnant straight through the last few years of having to get up early every day and go to work, yeah. I'm on a mini-pill, have been for months, and I've had very regular periods on that. And I've just felt every day like I've been very close to getting my period (and some of that extra hungry was me laying in snacks for my period, saying, oh I'll have this chocolate chip cookie in preparation of my period). I feel sort of crampy and bloated (but the latter could very well be from those extra snacks, right?). But as the days have worn on, my very regular period has not arrived.
After work, I went to a drugstore I don't normally go to, paid cash (which I don't normally do), refused to use their special members card (which would identify me), and came home and pulled the test out. I read the instructions, which were basically "pee on the stick and see what happens in two minutes." So I pull down my pants, thinking there is no way I could go to the bathroom as nervous as I am, but sure enough my tiny bladder does not fail me and I manage to pee all over the stick for the full five seconds. I'm kind of too nervous to realize that the sound of my peeing doesn't sound quite right and am wondering why I'm starting to feel my hands get wet from the underside, maybe the toilet is backed up. Imagine my surprise when I stand up and I haven't even put the toilet lid up and have just peed all over the lid.
Instead of spending the two minutes waiting for the plus or minus sign to appear on the test, I am spending the two minutes cleaning up my own urine, wondering if it is really sterile (not like I'd drink it, but do I need to drag out bleach to clean everything) and how on earth I could have forgot to put the fucking lid up. And then I look at the test and it's negative. Negative. Negative! I'm sure there are plenty of women out there, women my age, who would be depressed to see that solitary minus sign in the window without the bar crossing it and turning it into a plus sign, but not me.
Still don't know why my freaking period hasn't arrived yet, but that seems somehow much more manageable without the thought of an unplanned pregnancy hanging over me.
After work, I went to a drugstore I don't normally go to, paid cash (which I don't normally do), refused to use their special members card (which would identify me), and came home and pulled the test out. I read the instructions, which were basically "pee on the stick and see what happens in two minutes." So I pull down my pants, thinking there is no way I could go to the bathroom as nervous as I am, but sure enough my tiny bladder does not fail me and I manage to pee all over the stick for the full five seconds. I'm kind of too nervous to realize that the sound of my peeing doesn't sound quite right and am wondering why I'm starting to feel my hands get wet from the underside, maybe the toilet is backed up. Imagine my surprise when I stand up and I haven't even put the toilet lid up and have just peed all over the lid.
Instead of spending the two minutes waiting for the plus or minus sign to appear on the test, I am spending the two minutes cleaning up my own urine, wondering if it is really sterile (not like I'd drink it, but do I need to drag out bleach to clean everything) and how on earth I could have forgot to put the fucking lid up. And then I look at the test and it's negative. Negative. Negative! I'm sure there are plenty of women out there, women my age, who would be depressed to see that solitary minus sign in the window without the bar crossing it and turning it into a plus sign, but not me.
Still don't know why my freaking period hasn't arrived yet, but that seems somehow much more manageable without the thought of an unplanned pregnancy hanging over me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Heels
Recently, I started making a move to wearing more dresses more often. I generally wear the same kind of "uniform" most days of jeans and shirts, or jeans and sweaters when it is cooler. I found a couple of cute dresses at the Lane Bryant outlet store, and have been wearing those, then I found another one a few weeks ago. I read something online about this woman who went for a year just wearing dresses, and managed to really work this for all seasons. Now, I couldn't tell from reading it where the woman lived and if that place had more of "four seasons" than Northern California does, but she seemed to make it work by adding cardigans and heavier tights. And if you click through, she had some really cute outfits there. And the last photo shows her with a bicycle. Dresses and a bicycle!
I found that the dresses idea works really well in the hot months, because it just feels far less burdensome than having pants and a shirt on. And I could easily wear a dress with Spanx on underneath (mostly to avoid my thighs rubbing together) and flip-flops and I was ready to go. I have wide feet that aren't really comfortable in a lot of shoes, but for some reason, flip-flops are super comfortable on my feet. Even cheap flip-flops. So it wasn't too hard to pick up a few pairs that match everything. But now I'm finding the days are getting cooler, and I went out and got some tights to wear under my dresses for more warmth. But you can't really wear flip-flops with tights, can you? I mean that is just weird, right? But the number of shoes that I have that actually go with dresses that aren't flip-flops is very small. As in two. Well two black ones anyway, I do have a pair that are golden colored, but those will look weird with black tights.
So I have two pairs of black shoes. One are flats that are only moderately comfortable, like, I could walk around work in them but I wouldn't do any serious walking in them. And the other pair is two inch heels. Which I'm wearing today. When the last time I wore these shoes, I do not know. I have had these for at least 10 years, and I remember wearing them frequently when I first got them. But they seem incredibly uncomfortable now. Perhaps because I'm older and far less tolerant of pain. And I'm going to a wedding this weekend (speaking of pain tolerance), and trying to decide which of my shoes to wear with my dress. I'm thinking it is going to be too cold to go without tights or hose of some sort, and that leaves me probably with these heels. Which I can probably kick off for dancing, if I really want to.
I found that the dresses idea works really well in the hot months, because it just feels far less burdensome than having pants and a shirt on. And I could easily wear a dress with Spanx on underneath (mostly to avoid my thighs rubbing together) and flip-flops and I was ready to go. I have wide feet that aren't really comfortable in a lot of shoes, but for some reason, flip-flops are super comfortable on my feet. Even cheap flip-flops. So it wasn't too hard to pick up a few pairs that match everything. But now I'm finding the days are getting cooler, and I went out and got some tights to wear under my dresses for more warmth. But you can't really wear flip-flops with tights, can you? I mean that is just weird, right? But the number of shoes that I have that actually go with dresses that aren't flip-flops is very small. As in two. Well two black ones anyway, I do have a pair that are golden colored, but those will look weird with black tights.
So I have two pairs of black shoes. One are flats that are only moderately comfortable, like, I could walk around work in them but I wouldn't do any serious walking in them. And the other pair is two inch heels. Which I'm wearing today. When the last time I wore these shoes, I do not know. I have had these for at least 10 years, and I remember wearing them frequently when I first got them. But they seem incredibly uncomfortable now. Perhaps because I'm older and far less tolerant of pain. And I'm going to a wedding this weekend (speaking of pain tolerance), and trying to decide which of my shoes to wear with my dress. I'm thinking it is going to be too cold to go without tights or hose of some sort, and that leaves me probably with these heels. Which I can probably kick off for dancing, if I really want to.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
There's Always Facebook Status To Remind Me
Even though I never talk to him anymore, Seattle guy (SG) is still amongst my friends list on Facebook. Hell, I need all the Mafia members I can get. In all honesty, I have over 800 people as friends on there and most of them are not even people that I know. And with so many "friends," I end up with tons of status updates and all kinds of crap that I sift through, knowing that I'm missing out on a lot of things from the people whose status I actually want to read. But fixing up crap on FB isn't very high on my to-do list.
But I did notice the other day that SG and his girlfriend were driving down to Mendocino. And I thought, huh, how funny, he's in California. Then the next day, they were in San Francisco. And today, they were at the Winchester Mystery house, which is not far at all from where I reside. Are they stalking me? I had a weird dream last night that we (including C) all had dinner together, and SG was complaining about his girlfriend in some weird way, like he was trying to score points with me.
The dream made me think about some of my mindset about SG. He was really the first guy I kind of liked and could see myself dating after my ex, even though he did live far away. He was roughly in the same situation as me, that is, getting out of a long term relationship a year or two ago (in his case, a marriage) and we were both in the world of online dating, going out and meeting people who were weird or crazy or just totally incomprehensible. So, it was nice to talk to someone about something like that without a lot of pressure. And while I didn't necessarily feel like he was the guy I wanted to date, he was like the kind of guy I wanted to date, if that makes any sense. And right after we met, he started dating his current girlfriend and we stopped talking. Then a month or so later, I deleted him from my IM list.
So just because he's in my town, not like I expected him to call or anything. But it seems kinda funny, like I should show him around because he's here, because he showed me around Seattle, even though I'm sure he has no interest in my guided tour (which usually involves going to a lot of malls unless you are my dad in which case it involves going to a lot of supermarkets). But I did have all these weird feelings of some sort, then I started to think about them and break them down and realized they were just remnants from some time, almost two years ago, and not how I really feel today.
But I did notice the other day that SG and his girlfriend were driving down to Mendocino. And I thought, huh, how funny, he's in California. Then the next day, they were in San Francisco. And today, they were at the Winchester Mystery house, which is not far at all from where I reside. Are they stalking me? I had a weird dream last night that we (including C) all had dinner together, and SG was complaining about his girlfriend in some weird way, like he was trying to score points with me.
The dream made me think about some of my mindset about SG. He was really the first guy I kind of liked and could see myself dating after my ex, even though he did live far away. He was roughly in the same situation as me, that is, getting out of a long term relationship a year or two ago (in his case, a marriage) and we were both in the world of online dating, going out and meeting people who were weird or crazy or just totally incomprehensible. So, it was nice to talk to someone about something like that without a lot of pressure. And while I didn't necessarily feel like he was the guy I wanted to date, he was like the kind of guy I wanted to date, if that makes any sense. And right after we met, he started dating his current girlfriend and we stopped talking. Then a month or so later, I deleted him from my IM list.
So just because he's in my town, not like I expected him to call or anything. But it seems kinda funny, like I should show him around because he's here, because he showed me around Seattle, even though I'm sure he has no interest in my guided tour (which usually involves going to a lot of malls unless you are my dad in which case it involves going to a lot of supermarkets). But I did have all these weird feelings of some sort, then I started to think about them and break them down and realized they were just remnants from some time, almost two years ago, and not how I really feel today.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Porklips Now!
It's already Wednesday somehow. I went to work on Monday, felt okay, pushed myself through the day, had dinner with my friend Susannah at Olive Garden, came home and threw up. And I haven't felt right since then. I thought maybe it was too much pasta (damn you never ending pasta bowl) or something too rich, but usually you start feeling better once that is out of your system. I went into work for a few hours on Tuesday and just couldn't make through the day, so I came home and went to sleep, intending to come in today. Which I didn't.
There are things I like about being able to stay at home, like wearing pajamas all day, and hanging out with the cats, but for the most part, I just get bored. There have been times where I was so sick and could do nothing but sleep, and I didn't really notice it, but today I was starting to itch to get out of the house. I did manage to do two loads of laundry (yay) and went out to buy some groceries. This stomach bug hit at a bad time, grocery-wise, because I had very little left in my cupboards.
How exciting is my life that I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow? Well, I am mostly just looking forward to feeling well enough to be able to work all day. It's not that different from staying at home, other than dealing with stupid callers instead of cute cats, and I definitely can't wear pajamas all day.
There are things I like about being able to stay at home, like wearing pajamas all day, and hanging out with the cats, but for the most part, I just get bored. There have been times where I was so sick and could do nothing but sleep, and I didn't really notice it, but today I was starting to itch to get out of the house. I did manage to do two loads of laundry (yay) and went out to buy some groceries. This stomach bug hit at a bad time, grocery-wise, because I had very little left in my cupboards.
How exciting is my life that I'm looking forward to going back to work tomorrow? Well, I am mostly just looking forward to feeling well enough to be able to work all day. It's not that different from staying at home, other than dealing with stupid callers instead of cute cats, and I definitely can't wear pajamas all day.
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